Don't fall, don't fall back.

♠
Yesterday, few hours before I fell asleep I watched movie "Perfume: The Story Of A Murderer".
Very dark movie.
Very taunting movie.
Ugh.
I loved it!.

The ending was suprising, though. Got a small suprise over it.
The picture of how civilianz eat Jean-Baptiste Grenouille alive.
How they rip the flesh with their hungry mouths.
Yukk.
Yukk, yet fascinateing.

I would love to read the book.
I know it was the favourite one for Kurt Cobain, the man who I honour,
even though, yes, he is dead.


Trailer to it:


♠

I finally got some rest and woke up half six in early morning.
Now when I have had two meals in a row, my stomach aches, cause it is so full and I haven't eaten like this for a long time.
And I feel sleepy over all that digesting.

Music: Tricky ♥

Sinking in Christiansands.
Rocka Chase
xxx

*

My big big bad bad bad.

The dreamer.

Added a playlist to the page. Gives a sample of my large variety in music taste. So diddley doo. Don't want to listen, press the button II and be in peace. Mew.

I was ill, for a one day again. So stupid stupid stupid. Had stomach problems, like usual. This time I didn't drink alcohol, this time I just ate an apple, unwashed. But I hope it wasn't the reason, though.

Nothing haven't changed. When I sleep I get no rest at all. And I am constantly tired. Those astral projects exhaust me. I can't even recall when was the last time when I actualy S-L-E-P-T!.
Geesh. Even these tranquilizers dosen't help me. I feel still tired and next morning ((when I have taken the pill)) and the whole day I am like high zombie, so calm and everything is sooo beautiful.
Hei. Perhaps I should take these more often, cause I dont have those angerbursts then.. xD
Mwahahha.

Diddle diddle doo.
Rocka Chase
xxx

Ps. My mood swings faster than I can start counting the first millisecond.
Ps2. I want to rest // sleep. ><

Another dreamadventureland.

Well I had another... interesting dream. I was on an adventure again, but I can recall only some things, and everything is mixed up.

At first I was alone, then there were three of us. We had a stone, that I think we were supposed to keep safe and protect. Then were captured and we had to quess two riddles that were on a two smooth papers. Each had a black and white photos about some men.
/-/
I stood on my one leg, the other leg I bended and laid on the others knee. Then I drank sake. It had mixture of tastes like bitter and sweet and sour, which ended up like didnt have no taste at all.
/-/
In between those pictures was something else going on. There guards and there were a room. Five girls were standing in a water, that reached to their chest. They were holding a small stone each. And there was someone else on the otherside of the room, pushing someking of a button. The same stone that were captured was in somekind of a machine. I couldn't see clearly. When the person said "Ready?", the all five women//girls dived in the bottom of the flushed floor. But nothing worked.
Oh they had big white board beside them. Then they discovered that one girl, who had long black hair and wore short black leather jacket, wears gloves. Black leather gloves. Then she stood beside the board and liftes some colorful stones on it like a puzzle and set up a picture.
/-/
Next picture was how a man, with long hair ((Sometimes I was in his skin, and then I wasn't)) and looked like a chinese man, held the stone in his jacket. He escaped, looking for the exit. The building was big and he found the room. Before reaching outside, he met a family. I think there were two men and a powerful woman.
/-/
Next pircture. The same chinese man found a bycicle, that had no brakes. Through his mind reflects a memory how he saw someone riding with the bike, pushing the brakes and falling on the ground. He reaches to his other two mates who seemed to be free for now. They were sitting behind the gardenfurniture - white table and three chairs. In the middle of nowhere. He layd the stone on the table, and somekind of a bread, that one of his mates starts to lick. The bread had seeds. Then he takes out a ((gray clay?.)) bowl with a wooden ((?.)) spoon and buckwheat porridge. I was in one of his mates body, eating the porridge. It was still hot.
The chinese man told: "The family gave me food..."


It is like I am missing some pices. It all was built up like a movie or I was in other dimension, in other realm. And mostly I was just seeing things through other peoples eyes, being in their bodies. Cause I don't recall myself being in this reality. I was like completeely switched off.

Velvet Goldmine

Music: David Bowie (L)

I was playing one of my favourite games Mahjong and listening to David Bowie. I started to think back to my life and all these jobs that I have done.
I have been an ice cream seller; the customer service; the hall service in the market; newspaper seller on the street ((when I was only a kid)); I have picked strawberries; and some more that I can't recall at the moment. The longest period of time that I have worked on one place has been around 5 months, no more.

I am the rake. There have been times when I have lived from mouth to mouth, traveled from city to city, from floor to floor. Sometimes, if I were lucky, I got to sleep on the bed, in the empty closet, in the wheelbarrow with a mattress and a warm blanket, in a cold tent without no blanket, on a bench, in the grass, under the tree.
The roads have been open to me. The glasses were allways full... or was I full of alcohol.
It happened when I attended the most craziest parties in my life.
A birthday party of my hippiefriend. His cake was dressed up with three red toadstools and it was cut in pieces with chainsaw. No scratch were found on the plate, yet everything and everyone around it were covered with splashes of the biscuitcake.
Or those things I had to go through.
When the toilet was stuffed and to do my everyday natural thing, I had to go to supermarket or in a popular and my favourite bar near by. Just to pee, you had to take a plastic small bowl with long handle, filled it with a yellow or less yellow liquir, flushed it down to sink, washed these both and you were happily ever after lucky when you got to go to the next round after a while. When I felt like a lot of gases and wanted to shit, just simply shit, I went to supermarket; into the public femme toilet. Willingly. And left it filled with quite pretty smell of something brown and thick.

*

Six different cities to "live", over 10 to 15 different places to pass by. Choose next "lets play a family a little while, shall we". Moving over and over again. 23 going to 24. What a shame?. I have no money of my own nor a job. I am living on my parent's wallet. All my friends are gone, dissappeared and I am standing still... or moving on... I have no idea.
The fear to live in the reality is bigger than any other fear I possess. Reality has too sharp edges and it has too much "lets think now like adults... oh fuck... lets be the adults... lets be lovers with money and capitalism... lets have the best job with the best salary... lets have the best clothes from Dolce & Gabana and own the most expensive apartment... lets fuck with every different model, singer, rocknroller every fucking night... lets be the rocknroll suicide... no, it is just too cheap for me... lets just be the slave of the society".

*

Lately I have no need after alcohol, yet if I drink something and get the feeling that now I want some more, more, more, moooooore. And if I eventually get more it ends up with tears. Blah. So stupid. Broken nervs, viva la trashed nervs. Booyaa!.
Lately I have no need for alcohol, I just want to smoke cigarets. Pack, then another, then third. Just to smoke, fill my launges with more dirt. Kill my soul with nicotine heaven.


Booooyah!.
Rocka Chase
xxxx

Top 13

1. Leandra - Inverted Mirrors Of Decay
2. Otep - Head Of Medusa
3. Angelspit - Kill Kitty
4. Otep - Necessary Accessories
5. Otep - Special Pets
6. Oomph!. - Labyrinth
7. Evanescence - Lithium
8. Angelspit Vs. Crystaline Effect - Fallen Angel (Gabriel Remix)
9. Otep - Numb & Dumb
10. Eddie Vedder - Society
11. Riverside - Egoist Hedonist
12. Deep Dish - Flashdance (Radio Mix)
13. The Prodigy - Hot Ride

Okay...

I haven't written here for a damn long time. There haven't heppened much. I am allright now. The toothpain is gone. Whoooray for that one!.

I found a good vidoe, just watching at MTV, cause here aint nothing else to do anyhow. Sleepy. Hungry. Lately I can constantly eat and eat and eat and I still weight around 58-60. Geesh. Can someone give me around 3-5 kilogramms, so I could feel better?.
This means I am back on the tracks of being an underweight.
Sucks ass!.

*



*

I'm finishing a "project", a poetrybook handwritten with my own writings and illustrations to one of my best friends Liisa. I just need to do four more illust. and I am done and she may have it. (:
At the very moment I feel tired. Soooo tired. I am used to sleep during that time. And I need to make food for my family again, like yesterday. But it is allright. It is glad to know that I can help my mother, since I have no work or school or no life at all ((besides writing, painting, drawing, vampirefreaks.com and just foolin aroun)). And I am glad to know that she trusts me on these things like takeing out the laundry and bringing it in, which takes only about five to ten minutes. At least I don't throw it just-like-that on that green // pink clothes line like my a year younger brother once did. And cooking food. If I recall it right it has gone wrong during my capability of makeing food perhaps twice, so I have no problem with these things.

I managed to bring laughter in the house yesterday. I haven't seen my mother laugh like this for a long time ((at least over my jokes)).
I told her: "Ma olen hea abikaasamaterjal. Söögitegemisega hätta ei jää. Kui ainult koristamisele ka pihta saaks.", which in enlgish means: "I am a good wife material. I will defenetly not fail in cooking. Just if I'd get the cleaning thing.".

*

Okay, I'm off. Gonna go to Liisa's place and then later will become a redhead again!.
Wooobay!.

Rawrhgh...

I ish being ill. AGAIN.
In past four months I dont even recall how many times I have been ill.
Stomach, then tooth, then my head, then insomnia.
I run in circles and I have got enough.

Now it is my left side tooth. And it makes my jaw locked almost instantly.
And it goes into tonsils and swollen my throat up from left side aswell.
And when I need to take really large bite, it hurts like hell.
Mew.

Stupidness.

Whineing mood.

Now I am ready to go to Tartu, though it is
not the same for me anymore. It is ruined.
The scent and electricity is dead.
Though there are a lot of good memories
and all, but the bitter emotion wages
everything up and the scale is broken.
Today I understood, I can't listen to
indiepop nor blues that way like I used to.
Many bands are ripped into small paper
pieces. Torned apart. Washed away with
the muse and with the wind. With the
seawater.
I am restless. This is one of those reasons
why I change the blog layout so often
lately. Being satisfied is like a cage and
there is no other one but myself, who can
catch the tide and brake free.
I have hobby. It is introspection. And this
blog is one part of this self-examination. I
whine, yeah. But I whine with results.
Starting to think more... what is good and
what is not so good for me and my
alteregos. I take a deep breath and sigh, as
You all have to tolerate me and my
confused thoughts over these games that
life plays with us, and yet I am ready to
swallow every tiny bit of a refelction of
myself and my mistakes. Will ever learn?.
Three times it has happened. Three times
have my parents payed my mistakes and
depbts. What the hell is wrong with me?.
Why I keep doing this over and over again?.
I ask it constantly. More than just once
every single day in past four months.
Mistakes should be for learning and not
commiting them again, but still some dont
learn or refuse to learn, like me. Three is the final number. Enough!. If I dont start to think and act like someone in my age, then I will loose the last sober corners in my damned brain.
Speaking of my poor tortured and overthinking brain.. I need to find a job. I need to go and see this my new psychiatrist ((Rein Luuk was sooo mucho mucho better than this dandy)) and ask a letter from him. He wants my brain to get examined. But as being unemployee means I have to pay like A LOT money for doctor visits and this sucks big time. It is enough that I am living on my parents shoulders.
So yeah, you have to suffer under my bubbleing brain and read those stupid, meaningless words that walk through the doors on the top of my fingertips.

*

Today I finished another new improvisation painting/drawing. Cartool-like as allways. Unfortunately I dont have the picture about it, so you'd have to wait, but I do have the description for it:

On that pic i have some stitched "human"/"ragdoll" that is poisongreen and has dreads and heath-hens all over its face; its legs have roots and its fingers have grown together and it has one "ear" that is actually a speaker stitched to its head. Then in the sky is purple head, with an eye. the sky is in red/brown/yellow/orange; the ground is with black roots and poisonyellow and indigoblue.
on the lowest edge of paper are three classcans, each have mutant embryos; and through the ragdools neck are going through three spikes and the longest goes through the biggest can and embryo and there are some "water" splash, stiped; also there is grass growong between the cans; and bubbles come out from them too.

Rocka Chase
xxx

Speaking Up!.

Well. Today's subject is racism.
Before I start I will mark out that I will speak with two terms:
"white people" (shortly wp, no it dosen't mean white pride!!!) &
"black people" (shortly bp, no it dosen't mean black pride either!!!).
Here is meant NO insult @ all. I can swear it with my hand on my heart!.

*

Racism in any possible way is untolerant & disgusting.
No one can't say that bp are stealing our jobs & women. What a stupid thought!.
The races have started to mix a long ago, as are entwineing all these "gay" and "lesbian"
and other beliefs and orientations. Why are you fighting against something, that dosent change,
and most of all, something that dosent matter anymore. Races, styles, orientations. They are all One allready.
So, when You are takeing away bp's rights to choose and live freely, this means only one thing. You are commiting a crime. You are takeing away their chance to be humans. They are not animals, they are not slaves, they are not ragdolls, that you can toss around, abuse, beat, threat, kill. They are like us, and in a way, they are even better.


Don't think that I am betraying my own "race" (pfft, how I dont like to say race), own nation, country. Want to kick my ass for speaking up my mind?. Feel rage?. Feel your racist blood pumpin' and boilin'?. Well. I'll tell You!. GET OVER IT!.
Why are you so selfish and arrogant?. You aint the "only and right race" under this one sun, in this world, in this country, state, city, street, house, room!. Open Your eyes and begin to see others around You!. Don't let your brain get washed over & over again, You fool!.

If someone pulls a line in the soil between "black" and "white", giving me a choise. I would take the better "side". Black people. I would choose them!. I respect them more than "white". I honour them!. They have given a lot more in this world. In music, art, literature, life. Jimy Hendrix, Slash - famour rock mucisians. Michael Jackson - look what people did with a talented person!. This is only a few examples. What community, massslavery does with people!. I get so angry and pissed over this stupid games that you all play. All brainwashed!. Are You happy like this?. I dont think so!. I know that you aint!. Listen to Your heart and intuition. You actually don't like all this violence and abuse!. I know!.

*

I am ashamed to be "white"!. This is the truth!. And if there is a need to fight over their rights, count me in!. It dosent matter what color has your skin, or what orientation you have, with whom you are having sex with or just how many children you adobt. This is no ones business.
You all live in a free country, but why you keep setting high bars and keep drawing lines and building fences?. Yes, freedom is one of the most strongest cages, but You need to find the right freedom for yourself. You need to find Yourself.

*

Music: Dub Session 48 Dub Revolution

*

It is not betraying my own country and nation, when I dare to speak up.
It is not the same. I am thinking about how things are in reality. I am thinking outside of the box. Look, ppl, I care. I truly care. And I want to change all this violence and abuse, starting simply with mental abuse!. Call me traitor if you think this is all you can say about me, but I will say and I know I have the rights to speak freely, I will say that I think I aint one. I am just me. The one who dares. The one who sees. The one who hears!.

Become one, who is One.

Rocka Chase
Peace and love!.
xxx

Don't think...

...don't think, or You'll drown again.

*

Food: blueberry cake & some chocolate-waffel candybar

Music: A Perfect Circle

Drink: natural applecider

Mood: drunk & tired & numb & crashing

Book: Dan Simmons "Hyperion" &

Laurell K. Hamilton "Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter 3 - Circus of the Damned"

*

Being an unemployee, in a way it has been good to and for meh.

At first I tried not to analyse things

and problems in meh and with meh,

but now... I have done it even not noticeing,

it has become one of meh,

like it is natural.

I begin to understand myself more.

I begin to understand my own wantings & needs.

*

I used to be in love.

I used to be dumped.

I used to be broken & angry.

I used to be desperate & out of mah head.

I used to be single & looking.

I used to be single & looking...

Now I outlined myself from the flesh market

&

became single & not looking.

Before I even start to look & search

another meaningless & unnecessary relationship

with another mutherfucking asshole,

I need to accept my own self.

Being constantly on the top of the argument mountain

don't do the things easier for meh.

In any possible way!.

*

Rocka Chase

Bitter and emotionless.

xxx

Music: Huecco (L)
(I just cant do nothing but to love this band. Awsomness!!!).

I have had a lot of different names and faces,
a lot of different masks and costumes,
but do you really know who I AM?.

Within 2 and half years I managed to live
about in 6 different places.
Kilingi-Nõmme.
Kuressaare.
Viljandi.
Sindi.
Pärnu.
Tartu.
And now I am back in Kilingi-Nõmme.
My so called hometown,
where I have finished the highschool and stuff.
I am back in nonsenss and bullshit.
I am constantly wandering.
Where does my road take me next?.
What will I do in future?.
The most difficult answer:
What do I want from life?.
What do I want from MY OWN life?.

All the people I know are all worn out.
Everything is so old and stitched up,
so they would hold on through the storms of life.
Nothing is the same old same old anymore.
Everything drifts slowly along these waves.
I am drifting away of the others.

Yet there is so much I want to do in this life.
And there is nothing to catch on to.
What if.. echoes in the walls of my dreamcatchers.

Yet there are all those plans in my little mind.
In this mind that has so much of brilliant ideas.
But what I do with these, when there is no one to answer?.
Hello?.
Hello, hello, hello?.
Is anyone out there?.
Anyone to give me the hand and pull me over the edge?.
Hello, hello?.
Hello?.
You, me, us?.
What if... it echoes again.

Yes, I don't find metal and rock the only comfort for me anymore.
I am drifting along you all,
yet I am still far away.
And there are these millions of starmiles between us all.
Just don't me get smashed over your dissapointment and judgment and arrogance,
just cause I aint the same anymore
and I love colors,
and I aint into black and red this much anymore,
that I love reggae and spanish music,
that I love to dance along hip-hop and rap.
That I dare to entwine the old with the new.
What I was before, it has become too small space for me.
I have a need to feel more. I have a need to breath more. I have a need to know more.

Don't blame me for wearing colorful dresses.
Don't blame me for living free.
Don't blame me for drinking and smoking, just cause I am tainted to.
Don't blame me for knowing facts that somehow attatch to me.
Don't blame me for talking too much as I constantly do.
Don't blame me for being me.

If none of this dosent suit to you.
And you can not accept this "new" me that is not so new after all,
then you never will.
Leave me be and I will find a lot better persons to share the world with.

Goodbye.
Or.
Welcome.

This is your choice,
a choice to change the future.

Peace!.
Rocka Chase
xxx

Hot Like Fireh.

Here I am people.
All alone in this freaking Universe.
What has happened lately?.
All my male friends and "friends" have suddenly jumped on a womah,
and I aint got nuthin.
Great.
Just
so
fukcing
great!.

But oh, I dont whine.
I am allright!.
And I am good all alone.
I have mah music and bam bam reggae n hiphop boost.
I am happy with it.
I lurk in tha corners of movies
and roleplay a little a little,
as I have taken some brake from that.

Can't practice the footbag,
cause my not so olf jolt
gives a sign and fucking hurts,
plus i have jumped my right leg in pain again.
So a little bit I must rest.
Allthough I would like and love to play more.

Music: Dub Session Prodcast With DJ ChillWill // Dub Session 45 Burnin'

Top 13.

1. Angelspit . Kill Kitty

2. Otep . Necessary Accessories

3. Otep . Special Pets

4. Eddie Vedder . Society

5. Otep - Milk Of Regret

6. Sirenia - On The Wane

7. Riverside - Egoist Hedonist

8. Dolly Parton - Romeo

9. The Alchemist feat. Prodigy, Nina Sky & Illa Ghee . Hold You Down

10. Assemblage 23 - Lullaby

11. Skinny Puppy . Pro-test

12. KMFDM . Dogma

13. Ayria . Counterblow

Okay, my pretty pretty morning begin with a letter in the fucking inbox around here:

"When you send an invite check your grammer."

Well.
Excuse me, that I aint american or someone else, who's fucking motherlanguage is ENGLISH, people.
Excuse me, for being ESTONIAN.
Excuse me, if I try everyday to write better.
Excuse me, if I don't speak it as perfectly as you sonofabitches would love me to.
Excuse me, if I have grammar mistakes.
Excuse me, for even trying, cause I like this motherfucking language called English, get it?.

You are all such a fucking hypocrites.
I mean those, who just spit and suppose and mark out,
when they don't fucking know the mothergoddamnfucking TRUTH about the other person.
And it dosent go to the "being foregin".

Ha. I should say the same thing to that Mr.Manson. It is grammAr, and not grammEr.
Ergh.

So now I have my claws sharpened and who dares to fucking poke me or touch in any way, you can count on being sliced in little pieces.
Fuckers.

Excuse me, if I make mistakes, when I am angry and mad.
Excuse me, not being perfect!.

End of Rant.

*

Some moments ago I arrived from my "practice".
I finally found my footbags and I have been playing that
like about three freaking hours
and i am soooo tired now.
Alone.
I was alone.
Since I have no one here to play with meh.

Music: Aesop Rock

Rocka Chase
Tired and wicked.
xxx