Sunday, January 9, 2011

New Location

Dear readers, I have moved into another location ::

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Through Time // Playlist I

Through time I have adored, embraced and loved these songs.
Through time they have been my most valuable sanctuary.
These songs make my soul bleed, or shiver in the joy.
And they have literally saved my life.
Many many times.



[Original is by Kate Bush]

[Gives me goosebumps!.]

[Edgar Allan Poe in 1847]


Saturday, December 11, 2010


Just finished watching the last aired [10th] episode of
"Ore No Imouto Ga Konna Ni Kawaii Wake Ga Nai"
And there was one place, that I rewatched MANY MANY times,
because it was so damn kawaiiiiiiiiii.

I giggled and sang with it like a little girl.
But I couldn't resist it!.



 Stardust Witch Meruru Cosplay

How can one thing be so
*just had her first fangirl kawaiiiiiiiiiiii moment.*


Is it too strange, that I want to cry... when I allow myself now.
I so want to, and yet, something still holds me back, and instead of that I write deepened storylines for my characters for Rp and just... *sigh*

Creating worlds has become my only sanctruary again. Writing poems and stories in my own head, since I am just way too restless to actually write them down, though I should. There is this story, that needs to be continued on, an entire world created. A whole system.

I shall not let you know about this here, since you'll never know who comes and steals it. My ideas are way too unique, so I better keep them to myself and for those, who honor it.

Of course, my father knows perfectly how to make my days brighter. He managed to come home and tell me :: "Yes, continue smoking, so you could end up in the hospital as well with the lung cancer like your grandfather did."

Why can't people tell about these things in a better way?. Why he has to be like a total jerk all the time?. Yes, and he screams at me and my brother, when mom is at work. Then she won't protect us, and he can release his nerves and distress on us.

We discussed about this a little with Elizabeth today, when I went out to meet her and couple of more people, and we were left waiting in the middle of the winter, when these other went to the shop to buy some wine.

She told me that pshycical abuse is a lot better than mental abuse. She is right. The mental bruses tend not to heal, yet the flesh wounds heal.

I know... I know that I will get better, when I finally get away from here, move away. Even my health will get better, as the constant abuse [and the parents even don't realize it] is making things stressed, and this transfers over into a pain. This way my damn organism and body suffers all the time, not to mention what my nerves are doing. Blah. Assholes.

I try. I try so hard and my best, but life is not easy. Yes, I have told many times that nothing is complicated, everything is simple. But my dear person, 'easy' and 'simple' are very different aspects of two sides of a coin. Makes any sense?. No?. Then fuck off.

I don't have to spend my time on useless people. Hah!. I used to be kind and easily used, yet now... the change came long time ago. Few years back. Two and something to it, actually. I became a bitch. I speak up. I am who I am, and I am proud to be here. Not in this damn house, but as a person.

Woke up today, with a huge migraine. It was hard to stand up, was possible only to lay down and do practically nothing. It felt good.

It still hasn't left me, though, but I manage. I just have to find something to make it go away.
To watch anime.
Listen to music.

Just Names

No, I am not starting to have a baby.
Names generally have a strong power behind them.

The names that I have begun to like.
[And that I use for my RolePlay doll characters.]

Claudette :: little lame one
Charlotte :: man, little and womanly
Constance :: steadfast
Cecile :: blind
Cendrillon :: little ashes
Colette :: victory of the people

Other names that I just adore.

Constantine :: firm, constant

Friday, December 10, 2010

Gone Gone Gone [Poem]

The wings you spoiled,
used to be the only enchantment
    in the passing of eon.

"Gone, gone, gone,"
    the dawn weeped.

& then you left her,
went with the last shuttle.

"What is my name,"
the swallow asked,
spreading its soul
    & went with the boy.

"Next Summer, we will meet again!."
echoed your last promise,
uncoiling from her long mane
& turning its cheek towards the tomorrow.

"Gone, gone, gone,"
she whispered, the lips dry.
"The name is Jaqueline,
    & I will be a star in your sky."

Yet in the next year,
she never came,
    but the air was full of her,
full of the girl,
who bowed down to the death.

Inspiration ::
Ray Bradbury stories & AM "5 Centimeters Per Second"


Usually I haven't made these kind of things, but the times are different. 
From time to time, we all have needs, right?. ^__^

...for coming Christmas & Bday [7th Jan.] ::

  • Headphones >> I have only right ear working, and it is kind of annoying from time to time. *le sigh*

  • Webcam

  • Catring >> the one I saw in this accessories shop. *mew*

  • A lot of black ink- and gelpens

  • Pokki >> I know that you can't have it from Estonia *sob sob*

  • Chopsticks >> my own chopsticks!.

  • Sake

  • SUSHI. AND A LOT!!!!.

  • Mangas.

  • Monday, December 6, 2010

    D & Asagi-san


    A Japanese hard rock band formed in 2003 by Asagi, Ruiza and Sin, after their previous band Syndrome disbanded.
    Asagi-san, when... okay... when the first time I heard "Snow White", and his voice, I understood that he is equally placed on the same level as Gackt is.
    If there was a perfection, it would be named as Gackt or Asagi, for sure.


    Beautiful, just beautiful.
    I am crying inside again.
    And my body is in the shivers.
    What a vocal!.
    What a perfection!.

    03. December. 2010

    Music :: KOKIA - Anshin no Naka

    When I went to lock the door of our apartment building in the passing of midnight, two hours late, I took the liberty for a smoking brake. There were single nights shining in the night, as I stood under the lamp. Only the wind whispered, and the other sound beside the quietly howling air, my own breathing and falling, glittering snow, was click-click-click against the shed's wooden body.

    As I did have minimum access to the computer, the limited time was filled with other things, so I will post these entries later...

    Lately all I feel is the feeling of crying, and no Kai... this time I have not said to myself that I can't. I am taking the challenge & let it come over me. I know, though, that in the end there is no use of it, but for a short while it makes me lighter. A lot... lighter & stronger, too.

    Talking about Kai and his girl, whom I also love and whom is also my friend, too. Yes, a friend.
    There are people, who are also part of my closest range of friends, and don't have the best views about him & her. Then there is this third side, with whom Kai's girl can't get along... So there I am, in the middle of it, but don't get me wrong. This has been fully my own choices, whom to trust, honor and love. You can say that I am a chameleon, I can get along with different kind of people, though it doesn't mean tat I plat to be someone else. Nor I have lied. 


    One main fact is certain ::
    Love doesn't choose.

    Music :: KOKIA - Tomoni

    Yes, I come back to this, but I understand that people are worried of me. Try to lessen it and focus more on your life.
    I am a big girl & have been for a long time.

    I can take care of myself, okay?.

    I can't become strong if people keep their focus on me, which makes me focus on their worry, if that even makes any sense here now. Don't want that, and remember, it is not pushing you away. It is simply keeping you safe... as I manage to make many mistakes, or pull out unnecessary drama, since I have way too big mouth, which makes people take my words wrong or//and way too personally. This is the main problem, too, though. People need to get over of everything in general and understand that anything does not revolve around them. That includes everything. xD

    So... please my friends, stop pressuring me!. I live my own life, choose my own friends, live through my own mistakes. & even IF I come to ask advice, it doesn't mean that I fully will follow its path. & where I do ask advice, keep in mind that there [in most cases and situations] are not only two sides of people, but much more. Though taking sides is stupid enough, so better remain in safe place :: simply being neutral.

    Yet, who I am to tell, what & how you need to act. I have nothing to do with your life and choices you have taken to made, make or about to be done. These are just tips, how to "get along with me", so huss... huss, my child. Better listen the song of murmuring snowflakes, dancing in the wind.

    So, no hard feelings, ye?.


    Saturday, December 4, 2010

    Read Me

    02. December. 2010

    "They were ordinary hands. Not thick, not thin, not long, not short, not hairy, not naked, not manicured, and yet not dirty, not soft, and yet not calloused, not wrinkled and yet not smooth, not murdering hands at all - and yet not innocent."

    ~ Ray Bradbury, "TGAOTS", story 5, "The Fruit of the Bottom of the Bowl".

    Blueberries & Nighthowls

    01. December. 2010

    "I feel like I'm dead, thought Janice, and in the graveyard on a spring night and everything alive but me and everyone moving and ready to go on with life without me. It's like I felt each spring when I was sixteen, passing the graveyard and weeping for them because they were dead and it didn't seem fair, on nights as soft as that, that I was alive. I was guilty of living."

    ~Ray Bradbury's "TGAOTS", story 4, "The Wilderness".

    + + +

    It is another night awake, by choice mostly, yet there is no cure found for insomnia. When it has spread its roots into you, there is no escape. Even the drugs and medications won't help. These are just an excuse, and people sure do love to make them. Just for escaping or imagining that this way they will have the control back.

    Lies & Slander!.

    In a way I just adore to be awake, yet I am a professional sleeper.
    So you can imagine my sweet dillemma, right?.

    Can you see it?.
    Feel it?.
    Will you embrace it as it was your own humane disease?.

    + + +

    Visited Elizabeth during the last day, drank tea, gossiped & checked things from the internet of her little sister's computer. Finally dressed, we headed for a small, crispy walk.

    The winter has finally reached in full force & in makes me quite happy. The silence that comes with all of this is completely something different, and possibly the only matter during what I can rest, with body, mind, soul, spirit, heart & every core of my own self.

    Friday, December 3, 2010

    Thoughts of Nightbird


    I am just another insomniac in this night. Hot peppermint tea with last sugar from the can & Ray Bradbury's book in English, called ::

    "The Golden Apples of the Sun".

    I smell like garlic, with the tint of cheese. Choice of taste. & I hoped to hear some better music from the radio's night channel, but my wishes fell for the deaf ears.

    + + +

    Bradbury's work has always thrilled me with its stunning simplicity, no doubt. The usage of words & everything else just flows in its unnatural path. He makes me want to write again, write better, write better even via roleplay, that lately has made things harder occasionally for me... The will is tempting to brake down, & yet I hold onto it, since RP is my bittersweet sanctuary, just like grapes without taste...

    + + +

    I wrapped the cracks in my window frames today. The room feels a lot warmer, that is for sure. & no cold breeze taints my back and back of the neck with freezing games. It feels better.

    & lately I get any normal sleep at all. I run over the right time to fall into dreams, and that means, that this little angel is totally, completely awake; yet body wishes to rest, not to mention the stress in my mind that keeps gathering from nowhere and little things from life battles.

    + + +

    & some people are worrying way too much about me lately. I know why, as well, but please, don't... I am way more afraid losing the two of you more... & worrying about my own safety.

    I feel like a little child, but I guess we all have one kid inside all of us. This is not a bad thing, though. This inner child supports us and gives strength on the moments, where we imagined to be crashing down like a falling star. On a point, where this "energy" shows us the way through dark, it guides us and we always will know that we will be okay!.

    + + +

    [That next paragraph... if some figure and don't understand what I am talking about, don't bother & don't ask. It means that it is none of yours to be worrying about!. I just need a place, where to write about these things and for one person!.]

    My dear Elizabeth, what you are going through, is more familiar to me, in more ways than one; and I know that we are not the only ones struggling against the big bad wolf = world!. Yet it is different, because we have different backgrounds. The abuse tends to take forms that might still be unknown to us all, and we even can't be totally sure, if the participants haven't been pulling other strings behind the curtains of our lives as well. Some more than the others...

    The fact that I never figured nor noticed & how you spoke that you never let it shine out either, made me understand in two main matters ::

  • She is stronger than she might ever realize.

  • To hide it so well, means, again... that person is strong... or at least has the strength to play itself as one.

    I have to admit, I admire her for that. I am not at all that kind of a person. I have to let it come out of me somehow, in some way. Roleplay, doing my twisted art, write poetry, watch anime, and//or just ramble through riddle-talk in the blog//journals.

    And even that isn't enough, because this struggle seems to be never ending, and as she said [being completely right about it too], it always grows worse.
    Fighting all alone against the big bad wolf, you seem to know that you really aren't alone, but why we feel that it is not the truth, then?. What stops us on the way?. What freezes us on this life-journey and steals every bit of hope?.

    How to face this giant wave & stop it from crushing us over and over again?.

    + + +

    Some would call it a depression, They would say that I am just "ill" again, but I have my own explanation to it, better...

    If you are "gifted", which includes empathy and many other things to it, you feel the pressure that is placed upon you more. You FEEL way more than other people. From this another birth.

    We are just more sensitive to it all, and it comes to affect us like this.

  • Saturday, November 27, 2010

    Even If

    She brought it back to me, when I saw her brake between my hands like a tender glass. The way I have broke many times before. The way that I only know.

    She brought it back to me, and I realized, just a moment ago... that this wish hasn't gone anywhere, even though I have promised. But then again... this promise to myself is worth to brake. It is worth to brake, so I could get free from this inner and endless agony, which seems to grow through time.

    Even though it is gone from inside of me, now there is this emptiness, this hole. And the screams hasn't gone anywhere. I do. I do feel lighter and better.

    Yet, deep inside...

    ...we all are still suffering.