Nevesis - 7 000 000 Years

I really, really didn't realize and think that this one is Estonian!. O__o

I love this song now!.

Last night and day.

We had the town fire and stuff. Band and dance and people and whiskey, baby!. I still feel like I am drunk, tho I have had some sex and sleep. And now trying to figure out what to eat. >.<

Also, we had this old car and motorcycles show in the town, today they are in Pärnu and it suppouse to be way larger. O.o I was walking around and those mop cars, OH MY FUCKING DEAR THOR!. This was so beautiful, I was in heaven!. I prefer old mop cars and hot rods any time to those modern piece of shits. <333

And old buses too!. OMG. This was more than beautiful!.

20th June of 2010

Driving back home by bus, from Pärnu.

* * *

Just bought a ticket and took a seat in the back. Well, almost. Heading towards the "home", not that I want to go there. After talk with J. his words made me think about one whole part of my own self, that I have kept behind thousands of locks and hundreds of iron doors. It heads back to the times of my childhood and I was so close to tell him more than I would have wanted to. We are more alike in certain matters than he may realize now, yet we both choce different paths.

What I mean is that not I start another battle with myself to become better individual. This means ripping all those comfort zone locks down and away, and this will take a lot of struggling, not to mention tears, but that eventually makes everything better. Yesterday I sat on the balcony of my dear friend, wore nothing but few clothes and a blanket around me. Lit another cig and slid down the road, and suddenly it hit me like mother would hit robber with a pan. This battle will be harder than I ever imagined. The understanding is there, though. It is something that needs to be done and practiced. But I do admit, certain matters make me be ashamed over myself and there is possibility that my mouth wont speak of it. I can't say never, because nevers and evers tend to take other turns. 

Half way have passed. A bit more and then I am back in the place that I have never taken and thought as of home. Also, some good news!. In august of 2010 there will be my first artshow!. If I am lucky, I may recieve a letter or diploma that I have done it. So then I can seek if I can register myself into Estonian Artists Union. But the system of the whole process kind of sucks. They know how to make simple things complicated. And I can't tell about those matters to my parents, because they won't have no good words left to me. Specially Father, who lately has chosent to scream or ignore me.

17th June 2010

During the time, when I rode to the other town, Pärnu.

* * *

I have understood that certain previous posts  in this blog may have no positive energy through thoughts, but from what I see, that through self analyze you won't get where you need to get. This includes the fact that you need to be absolutely, utterly and completely honest with yourself. It might and certanly will cause distress, hurt even, but this happens simply because you ::

a) are not used to this;

b) have been in this phase//state as long as you remember, where things have always been set for and about you

and foremost

c) you are not used to turn all this energy that you turn towards everyone else but yourself (for more about this topic read the previous entry).

I am not trying to tell nor telling you what you need to do and//or about your own life. I am simply opening your eyes, or well... at least give you the chance to open up. Not only your eyes, but also the heart, mind and soul.

* * *

Yes, I am seldom at showing my feelings and emotions, but it does not mean that I am cold or any other like that. I have become even more silent through certain choices that ended up being no right ones at all. I see and always have seen myself from "out of my own body"; as someone else standing in certain range. All of the memories I have, I see through someone else's eyes. Some see it as out of body experience, but the Truth is that I just work out of my human body, {which I call vessel}, most of the time. Though lately I am working on synchronicing body and soul.

About positivity and changes.

Started to talk with Monkey about some certain matters, and here are my thoughts, including some of his. Seems that we think the same.

So... He asked what I think about certain matters about the "big stars" like Lady Gaga & Co. From my point of view, this is all just pure commerce. Everything is done for them and about them, there is no time and no chance to do the work by themselves. They just don't think and there is no chance given to them, so they have a moment to think. They are being used and they just don't fucking realize it.

A good quote :: "When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace." {{Given to you all by Monkey, but from someone else. xD}}

I am glad that I have found someone, who don't take me as a loco or lunatic!.

Also, I have never taken "stars" as popular people or idols, because they are simple people like we all are; they are equal with us, with all of us. This is just their profession, the job that is famous.  And then people beside me are wandering, why I don't freak out like they do, when they see a famous persona or popstar in the mall or in the post office, or somewhere near to them or on the streets.

I think the same about the color of the skin, actually. It is just the pigment of the skin that is different, they are still like all of us. Humans. People. They feel the same way, the have the same jobs, they have families like we do. They are Us and We are One.

"People's time is being wasted to the admire others. This actually should be changed as admire themselves. If everyone would be admirable... then no one would be that no more and then there won't be no jealousy and no other shit like that. People think that they don't have control over themselves, even though the reality is absolutely something else." - Monkey.

People need to realize that every thought, even the slightest and the tiniest bit, is actually an energy; and every that energy is becoming alive on the moment, when it is thought. When someone thinks that she/he feels so bad all the time, then he/she IS feeling bad, because this is the energy that he/she creates for him/herself. This reminds me of one friend, who is having hard time from time to time, like we all do; and when I told to this person that don't try to think positive; to think the opposite way; but just actually THINK differently, it will get better, he told me that he can't lie to himself. From what I see and felt, he has been stuck in this moment, in this energy for a quite long time, and you get used to it in time; and when there is a chance to feel better, to think better it is told to yourself that this is hard to change, because you are USED TO IT!. Take the risk and change it, become happy, become satisfied and balanced; toss away the shell that you carry around with you and look up in the sky with joy and admire about yourself, not for others.

Some qotes and sayings...

Some geniuses have once said ::

"We are not human beings on a spiritual journey. We are spiritual beings on a human journey".

*

"There is an old Indian saying that the farther man's feet are removed from the earth, the less respect he has for living, growing things. It follows that the less man realizes his dependence on nature, the more he is apt to foolishly destroy it".

*

"Life can only take place in the present moment. If we lose the present moment, we lose life".

*

"So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism.The very basic core of a man's living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a different sun".

*

"There is no way to happiness, happiness is the way".

*

"Right now, and in every now-moment, you are either closing or opening. You are either stressfully waiting for something - more money, security, affection - or you are living from your deep heart, opening as the entire moment, and giving what you most deeply desire to give, without waiting".

And something good, something a little bit unknown, something precious and talented ::

the Malady

The room is full of notes,
sharp like knives and daggers.
Cutting through the solitude,
ripping it apart, ripping it sharp.

Hole in this soul is full of poison.
Black as the demon wings.
Every island is burnt down,
by the storms that remain as your eyes.

I take the pleasure and rip you down,
down from that high pedestal.
I want to watch how the blood flows,
how the heart slows down from the eternal beating.

You are wearing a mask on this rotten face.
Hiding, like I don't know.
Like I don't know how everything about you
is just a clockwork of another malady.

* * *

Monkey was right.

I do cry secretly.

Because I can't let no one see one weakness of mine,

because it is Warrior thing you know.

Some have said before,

why do you suffer in silence?.

I need to, I have to, this is how I work.

In silence. In secrecy.

So no one would ever know that I actually feel more than people may ever realize.

That I need to be strong not only for the sake of my own existence,

but for those, who are counting on me,

since I have made so many bad mistakes,

since so many have been disappointed in me,

since I have been a fool and hoping that this is not too late

to fix things right...

Hearit.

I want to dig into your lying corpse,
dig my fingers behind those bones.
Drink empty your fading, beating heart.
You are the Butterfly and I am the Butcher.

I nail you on the wall with all these colorful paperpins.
Feel it.
Feel it drop down behind your toes.
I cover the floors with flies,
and lay you sleep on their shattered wings.

Hear it.
Listen every muttered word of those stitched lips.
I cover the floors with masks,
and lay you sleep on their shattered eyes.
Sleep, my child, sleep, like there is no end
to the day that has just begun.

We have lost the immunity...

I am here, after all these battles with my own self. Not fun, when the human body gives up and gives the ropes in the hands of one and only pain, that you have caused for yourself, by fucking everything up previously. Then you work hard, even harder, just to maintain the peace that you have won between your arms. You scream, when it starts to slid off, slid off and away. You battle again, bleed like never ending river of Memphis.

Carving into the hope, that this time you will survive, no matter what. Because what else you have left?. Who else to count on than just you and your shadow, that doubles, when the nights are extra cold?. Cold... a feeling, an emotion that burries itself, and resembles the pure poisonous minds of masses. Caring is outfashioned, and you are out numbered anyhow. Why to bother?. Why to keep fighting for the sake of Gaia?.

Because the world changes, everything changes and you will change too. You will die. And the stronger will survive. Good luck. Good luck, because you will need it. 

Just don't lie to yourself, stop doing it. Just... STOP, for the sake of your own sanity.

Stop fucking with your own self. Stop, stop, stop, stop doing it!.

You all disgust me.