Thoughts of Nightbird

30.november.2010

I am just another insomniac in this night. Hot peppermint tea with last sugar from the can & Ray Bradbury's book in English, called ::

"The Golden Apples of the Sun".

I smell like garlic, with the tint of cheese. Choice of taste. & I hoped to hear some better music from the radio's night channel, but my wishes fell for the deaf ears.

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Bradbury's work has always thrilled me with its stunning simplicity, no doubt. The usage of words & everything else just flows in its unnatural path. He makes me want to write again, write better, write better even via roleplay, that lately has made things harder occasionally for me... The will is tempting to brake down, & yet I hold onto it, since RP is my bittersweet sanctuary, just like grapes without taste...

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I wrapped the cracks in my window frames today. The room feels a lot warmer, that is for sure. & no cold breeze taints my back and back of the neck with freezing games. It feels better.

& lately I get any normal sleep at all. I run over the right time to fall into dreams, and that means, that this little angel is totally, completely awake; yet body wishes to rest, not to mention the stress in my mind that keeps gathering from nowhere and little things from life battles.

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& some people are worrying way too much about me lately. I know why, as well, but please, don't... I am way more afraid losing the two of you more... & worrying about my own safety.

I feel like a little child, but I guess we all have one kid inside all of us. This is not a bad thing, though. This inner child supports us and gives strength on the moments, where we imagined to be crashing down like a falling star. On a point, where this "energy" shows us the way through dark, it guides us and we always will know that we will be okay!.

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[That next paragraph... if some figure and don't understand what I am talking about, don't bother & don't ask. It means that it is none of yours to be worrying about!. I just need a place, where to write about these things and for one person!.]

My dear Elizabeth, what you are going through, is more familiar to me, in more ways than one; and I know that we are not the only ones struggling against the big bad wolf = world!. Yet it is different, because we have different backgrounds. The abuse tends to take forms that might still be unknown to us all, and we even can't be totally sure, if the participants haven't been pulling other strings behind the curtains of our lives as well. Some more than the others...

The fact that I never figured nor noticed & how you spoke that you never let it shine out either, made me understand in two main matters ::

She is stronger than she might ever realize.

To hide it so well, means, again... that person is strong... or at least has the strength to play itself as one.

I have to admit, I admire her for that. I am not at all that kind of a person. I have to let it come out of me somehow, in some way. Roleplay, doing my twisted art, write poetry, watch anime, and//or just ramble through riddle-talk in the blog//journals.

And even that isn't enough, because this struggle seems to be never ending, and as she said [being completely right about it too], it always grows worse.
Fighting all alone against the big bad wolf, you seem to know that you really aren't alone, but why we feel that it is not the truth, then?. What stops us on the way?. What freezes us on this life-journey and steals every bit of hope?.

How to face this giant wave & stop it from crushing us over and over again?.

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Some would call it a depression, They would say that I am just "ill" again, but I have my own explanation to it, better...

If you are "gifted", which includes empathy and many other things to it, you feel the pressure that is placed upon you more. You FEEL way more than other people. From this another birth.

We are just more sensitive to it all, and it comes to affect us like this.