Today I felt like talking about this matter[s] of substitute persons and people alike.
I have always felt that I am one, and when I watched the movie called "Elizabethtown" I found out the writer had written down, and said out loud by the characters, something that I have always thought of, but never said out loud.
Here are qoutes and little thoughts throughout the internet that I have found so far.
I have provided the link as well, since I am not the original artist.
Introduction
From Little Nuances blog ::
On one night in the movie, as two main characters [Claire and Drew] are walking through Elizabethtown, she turns to him and says: "You and I have a special talent. And I saw it immediately. We're the substitute people. I've been the substitute person my whole life. I'm not an Ellen. I never wanted to be Ellen. And I'm not Cindy either. Although Chuck's love me. I like being alone too much. I mean, I'm with a guy, who is married to his academic career. I rarely see him and I'm the substitute person there. I like it that way. It's a lot less pressure."
Who hasn't felt like a substitute person at some point? While being a substitute person does mean that you had to be close enough to the real thing to earn the title of substitute, it also means that you weren't quite good enough, or funny enough, or smart enough, or good-looking enough. And the worst thing about it is—you know it, but since being a substitute person is better than not being in the game, you accept the position.
But when two people, like Drew and Claire are drawn together, neither has the look or feel of a substitute to one another. Instead, each person becomes the new standard for originality. But originality often leads to an internal struggle between grasping it while one still can and freedom—without which, originals quickly move into the past tense.
Obviously, a lot of people can relate to Claire's character. I really don't believe Claire when she implies that she likes being a substitute person. She tries to convince Drew, and I'm sure herself, that she likes not feeling needed or in demand all the time during a relationship.
But if that were really true, she wouldn't have spent the entire night on the phone with Drew. She wouldn't have switched her work schedule so she could be with him as he dealt with his father's death. She wouldn't have shared her dreams, and fears, and insecurities with him. She wouldn't have told him that their first kiss was more intimate than most of the sex she'd had in her life. She wouldn't have made him the travel kit. And she wouldn't have been willing to let him go—hoping that he'd choose to be with her at the end of his journey.
Nobody wants to be a substitute person. We just claim that the position is acceptable because we're afraid that nobody will ever consider us an original. But along with way, most will consider us substitute people and that's not a knock against them or us. They have an original in mind and for whatever reason—justified or not, we don't live up to it.
The problem comes when we embrace substitute person status, like Claire did, because embracing it means that we'll never get to see wonder in the other person's eyes as we tell him or her about our theories, our beliefs, our hopes, and our dreams. It means we'll never get that all-knowing, all-understanding hand-squeeze, or look from the person we love that says, "I know exactly what you are thinking or feeling and I want you to know that it means just as much to me as it does to you.
No matter how much we try to convince ourselves that being a substitute person is better than not being in the game, the seeming cruel and mocking indifference we receive from someone who doesn't consider us an original slowly crushes our will to live a vibrant life. I'd much rather be out living the life I choose right now because it allows me to save my experiences in an emotional place where one day I hope to invite a person who considers me to be her original.
Deeper Views
So much for the Introduction part. Let's move on, shall we?.
"If you watch movies long enough, eventually you'll see your life up on the screen."
I have always felt that I am one, and when I watched the movie called "Elizabethtown" I found out the writer had written down, and said out loud by the characters, something that I have always thought of, but never said out loud.
Here are qoutes and little thoughts throughout the internet that I have found so far.
I have provided the link as well, since I am not the original artist.
Introduction
From Little Nuances blog ::
On one night in the movie, as two main characters [Claire and Drew] are walking through Elizabethtown, she turns to him and says: "You and I have a special talent. And I saw it immediately. We're the substitute people. I've been the substitute person my whole life. I'm not an Ellen. I never wanted to be Ellen. And I'm not Cindy either. Although Chuck's love me. I like being alone too much. I mean, I'm with a guy, who is married to his academic career. I rarely see him and I'm the substitute person there. I like it that way. It's a lot less pressure."
Who hasn't felt like a substitute person at some point? While being a substitute person does mean that you had to be close enough to the real thing to earn the title of substitute, it also means that you weren't quite good enough, or funny enough, or smart enough, or good-looking enough. And the worst thing about it is—you know it, but since being a substitute person is better than not being in the game, you accept the position.
But when two people, like Drew and Claire are drawn together, neither has the look or feel of a substitute to one another. Instead, each person becomes the new standard for originality. But originality often leads to an internal struggle between grasping it while one still can and freedom—without which, originals quickly move into the past tense.
Obviously, a lot of people can relate to Claire's character. I really don't believe Claire when she implies that she likes being a substitute person. She tries to convince Drew, and I'm sure herself, that she likes not feeling needed or in demand all the time during a relationship.
But if that were really true, she wouldn't have spent the entire night on the phone with Drew. She wouldn't have switched her work schedule so she could be with him as he dealt with his father's death. She wouldn't have shared her dreams, and fears, and insecurities with him. She wouldn't have told him that their first kiss was more intimate than most of the sex she'd had in her life. She wouldn't have made him the travel kit. And she wouldn't have been willing to let him go—hoping that he'd choose to be with her at the end of his journey.
Nobody wants to be a substitute person. We just claim that the position is acceptable because we're afraid that nobody will ever consider us an original. But along with way, most will consider us substitute people and that's not a knock against them or us. They have an original in mind and for whatever reason—justified or not, we don't live up to it.
The problem comes when we embrace substitute person status, like Claire did, because embracing it means that we'll never get to see wonder in the other person's eyes as we tell him or her about our theories, our beliefs, our hopes, and our dreams. It means we'll never get that all-knowing, all-understanding hand-squeeze, or look from the person we love that says, "I know exactly what you are thinking or feeling and I want you to know that it means just as much to me as it does to you.
No matter how much we try to convince ourselves that being a substitute person is better than not being in the game, the seeming cruel and mocking indifference we receive from someone who doesn't consider us an original slowly crushes our will to live a vibrant life. I'd much rather be out living the life I choose right now because it allows me to save my experiences in an emotional place where one day I hope to invite a person who considers me to be her original.
Deeper Views
So much for the Introduction part. Let's move on, shall we?.
"If you watch movies long enough, eventually you'll see your life up on the screen."
~ Roger Ebert, in reviewing the movie Angus.
From the Joe Guse ::
This exchange from the movie Elizabethtown truly hit me like a ton of Bricks. This was it. This captured a feeling I’ve had my whole life. I was a substitute person. A second choice. Someone people “settled” for.
How did this happen? In many ways I’ve lived a spectacular life. I’ve been a comedian on some of the most popular stages in the world, I’ve written books, had wonderful adventures, gotten degrees, and been, generally speaking an outgoing, kind, generous, and compassionate person.
And yet……… I’ve always felt second best. Always been the guy in the bar walking out with the cleaning crew. The shoulder to cry on, the “friend”, the third wheel, the seat filler, the loner, the single, the guy by himself at the dinner table.
How does one become a substitute person? Is a substitute person made or are we born? We’re second best because we’ve slowly grown into these roles and now it’s what we think we must deserve. As with many types of pervasive personality patterns, this likely starts in childhood.
From the Joe Guse ::
This exchange from the movie Elizabethtown truly hit me like a ton of Bricks. This was it. This captured a feeling I’ve had my whole life. I was a substitute person. A second choice. Someone people “settled” for.
How did this happen? In many ways I’ve lived a spectacular life. I’ve been a comedian on some of the most popular stages in the world, I’ve written books, had wonderful adventures, gotten degrees, and been, generally speaking an outgoing, kind, generous, and compassionate person.
And yet……… I’ve always felt second best. Always been the guy in the bar walking out with the cleaning crew. The shoulder to cry on, the “friend”, the third wheel, the seat filler, the loner, the single, the guy by himself at the dinner table.
How does one become a substitute person? Is a substitute person made or are we born? We’re second best because we’ve slowly grown into these roles and now it’s what we think we must deserve. As with many types of pervasive personality patterns, this likely starts in childhood.
From the Facebook Group ::
What is a substitute person? They are people that go through life, being there at events or gatherings or are always there for someone, even if they never get noticed, or talked too. This includes friendships, dating relationships, or engagements sometimes. People can even call you friends but in the end, they don't really know you, just cause they don't take the time "to" know you. But for us, most of the time, that is alright. Cause were there if they need us.
What I Felt...
...going through all this?.
When I read many people talking about how they are as the same as I am, then it cut through me like I was a simple butter. This is no easy life for us, the Substitute People, but we survive, somehow.
It did start for me in the childhood. When my a year younger biological brother was born. He was ill, very ill, but I felt like pushed aside. I still do and there is nothing I can change about it. I can't make people think or feel in different way that they really are. It is not fair, and I have never pushed them to do what they really feel like shouldn't. They make their own decisions, as I make my own. And if someone takes it away, it is actually unwritten law, a real criminal act, barriering someone's freedom of choice.
Even though I am the older child, I still get the "left overs" from my brother, since he gets everything first. The first red bike. The first cd-player. The first mp3-player. The first choice. The first... and I just get what is left of it. Of course this is what the life brings us, we just need to swallow and move on.
"They are the sidekicks, the loyal friends, the fans, and the men and women behind the scenes."
~ Joe Guse
And some people just fantasize being one. Yes, do that, but you never know what it really means to actually be one, be one to the end of your deepest core.
And some people just fantasize being one. Yes, do that, but you never know what it really means to actually be one, be one to the end of your deepest core.
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