Familiar Taste of Poison

Every day I wake up with sore body. There are thousand acid needles throbbing in my head. The pain is constant and never leaves me behind. It is like living hell...

... and lately it has been hard. Emotionally. These drowning and down periods//moments come and go as they please. Mostly they are available, when I stumble over my own rotting spots.

Yesterday I spoke with Kai, and he finally asked from me :: "You have something on your heart too, Sister?. Yes?."
I asked back, surprised that he noticed anything at all :: "How did you figure?."
He explained :: "I have felt it for some time now. I just wasn't sure to ask. I thought it would be unpolite."
[Though, I can't recall the exact wording, but it is the meaning that matters, right?. Right.]
And then we talked, some time... and it still isn't easier for me... the burden is not lighter. I keep wandering, how I can make it better... but the answers keep running away from me, leaving me on the shore of the sea of death.

Often, when I need to go outside and meet someone, hang out and have a good time, and during that time there is something going on, or that I am just gone with my own self, then I pull up this beautiful and happy and joyful facade, a mask that never lets anything through, and no one understands, no one sees that something is awfully wrong. There are very few people, who can dial it up, when they see me. They detect the pain from my eyes, even though these are one part that I can't control. Then I avoid looking into theirs. And one or two from these few feel it in my voice. It has no understanding in my mind. I try, I try my fucking best to hide it. But I guess the most precious, the bestest people around me, whom have known me quite a time, just know... well enough, when something is off. I just would like to shut that part off too, so they wouldn't feel burdened, maybe. I don't really... I just.... blah.

And I have this going with me, when I am down, then I just don't let anyone, and I mean anyone, touch me nor hug me. I just don't want them to see that I can be weak too. I just can't let them. Because there is no room for pity nor any other similar emotion nor act. If you don't understand, then fuck off. Seriously. If you don't have any advice, then you can fuck off even harder. I don't have time for this drama that some can pull off, if I refuse from their affection. Kai asked me once, a while back, when we talked about this, that what I would do, when he'd hug me suddenly like this. I said simply and with a slight pout that I fight back to get free. No touchy!. But then he kept going, and asked again, what I'd do if he would not let go. After a pause I just said giving up, that I just would calm down a little and let you hug me.

*Sigh.*
There is one thing, one energy, one emotion that I am most afraid of, and yet it is the second thing beside Death that I long for, crave for, desire for. People know it as Love. I am so afraid of it, that I just push every possible seed away, when there is any kind of chance, that someone feels the same about me as I feel about him//her. It pulls my all insides out and leave a shell behind, laying on the ground with no blood, but just soil. Rain dropping down, and yet never giving any water to the drought that I have in this landscape. I push people away, when they get too close to me. And then I run.

I.

Just.

Run.

And when I see couples. In the past I wanted to rip them both apart. Into little pieces. Just because I was jealous. But I learned to live with it, learned to honor the commitmet of relationships, and the jealousy disappeared. I feel happy for them, and yet from time to time, there is this tiny little dagger, making my soul sting alongside with my small sized human heart. The Spring is the most painful time, Summer is okay. I hide myself away from the world, and yet...

I still keep running, no matter what, until there comes wall on my way. Maybe this can stop me, for once.