Everything and nothing // 19th April

During the night.

Typical is that I get to sleep early in the morning 

& don't have no desire to eat some of those tranquilizers. 

Nor painkillers either.

When I would go to sleep in "normal time", I know that I will be up

within two to three hours and this is something that isn't fun to cheer for.

Certainly.

Pain is everywhere, and it hasn't left me. I am sure that it won't for some time soon

either. So here I am. Getting used to it, and the "time" is dragging me behind its

tail, like I am nothing but a corpse of my own illusions and dreams.

Until now, there hasn't been no one on my path, who would have this abstract and crazy

mind like I do. Would there be people, who would enjoy the ride?. Because it ain't

a pretty ride at all. There is this haunting beauty, for sure, but it is stained with the

love of death, gore, blood; flies, moths, human hearts and other grotesque.

The more I evolve, the more I am able to show it all in my art.

And you know what?.

I fucking enjoy it.

I fucking love it.

It gives me life.

Doing and messing with all those paints, brushes, colors, and so forth.

It is the only thing that makes me actually feel alive.

A reason, why to make movies and films. 

Sometimes it drives me insane.

& for sure - paranoid on certain level.

Maybe films can become the second chance to feel alive.

Second matter and thing that is the air for me to breathe.

I understand people more than they may ever realize.

I can read them like open books, some are more readable than others.

Even through and via Internet.

The energy patterns tell me all that I need to know.

Such a shame, though, that they keep being plainly in unknown,

in darkness and in blind.

Without digging deeper, they rely on the good ol' preconception.

This is the very first mistake to do.

"What do you know?," they would say and ask,

being afraid of what others might say or think about their actions,

sayings and even life overall.

This is not important what others think!.

They are not living your life - You are!.

They are not making choices for you,

it is you, who needs to rely on your own judgment,

your own strength, because what would you do,

from whom to ask, 

when life has set things this way, where you find yourself

being all alone?.

If you are lucky enough you might realize - there is only you

and yourself; there is only one person to rely on - 

and this is you, yourself and only your shadow,

because everyone else are gone.

* * *

I miss the noise, which means music. I miss my laptop.

I miss the world to end.