25th // 26th April

She is still haunting me in my dreams. Why so?.

I don't understand it at all. Do we still have the connection

through those illustrations that I made for her poems and word-art

that I made a while back. A year back.

Yet it feels a lot more.

The bitter feeling in me is getting stronger and stronger with each day.

Need to take several steps back and think deeply,

what choices I have made wrong.

Why we make choices that we make?.

Why can't I let go of the past?. Why it comes and drags me down again?.

Why I feel like drowning?.

I figured today, that I don't want no one beside my side,

even though I'd need to. I am still a child, who has a sea full of fear

and this fear eats me up from inside.

I don't want to feel no touches of other people' skins against mine.

And all I manage to do is - h.u.r.t.

With my silence.

With my coldness.

With my words that people take way too seriously and personally.

With the peace and balance that sings inside of me like a blue sining bird.

With my stubbornness.

We choose the easiest paths, the easiest choices,

like alcohol, drugs and smoking, even killing yourself,

and you don't even see, that this is the one thing amongst many

that really is destroying you.

* * *

I see myself.

Standing on the beach.

There is silence, but there is also the wind.

A lonely small bird battling with the waves,

the rush against the shore with the best strength,

that they have to offer.

My toes sink into the cold sand.

The best way, the best sanctuary to find;

& the sun is drowning into timeless waves.

Not many of people passing by.

Red short hair caught into the wind

& cigarette smoke. She is bitter. She is the end.

She is the beautiful rose that stings.

This beach is inside of me.

And to get there,

you need to kill my eyes.

This is the key into

the beach that is inside of me.