Music: OT3P

Book: Dan Simmons "Hyperion"

Food: Rotten Strawberries

(Copy from VF journal).
It has been some time, when I have been ill. Right side of my face and throat has been swollen and the jaw is locked. Yes, it is getting better, but I still can't speak, eat and swallow normally (not to mention the yawning, I have to do that with my mouth closed). It drives me insane...

And I have been doubting in myself for some time now... Idk why and 'cause of what (I don't dare to look deeper into that), but tonight I have another panic attack and I know my relief will be Otep and any sharp thing.

To concentrate on something right now... this is something really harsh and painful thing to do, cause I am not able to.

I can be , but when someone dares to pick on me, poke me, touch me, I will explode and something bad will happen. I don't want to say bad things to other, those who I care about. More or less, but still care.

Q: Can't you control these attacks?.
A: Only with medical drugs and I don't want to eat these. They make me feel numb and I become zombie. I dont want that.

Q: Can't you control these attacks?
A: How I can control the thing, when I have no damn knowledge, when the fucking come and drag me down, so down that I feel I am drowning.

Q: What cause these attacks?
A: Sometimes - overthinking. Mostly - I DON'T FUCKING KNOW!

♥

I wan't to smash. And yet everything stands still.