Is it too strange, that I want to cry... when I allow myself now.
I so want to, and yet, something still holds me back, and instead of that I write deepened storylines for my characters for Rp and just... *sigh*
Creating worlds has become my only sanctruary again. Writing poems and stories in my own head, since I am just way too restless to actually write them down, though I should. There is this story, that needs to be continued on, an entire world created. A whole system.
I shall not let you know about this here, since you'll never know who comes and steals it. My ideas are way too unique, so I better keep them to myself and for those, who honor it.
Of course, my father knows perfectly how to make my days brighter. He managed to come home and tell me :: "Yes, continue smoking, so you could end up in the hospital as well with the lung cancer like your grandfather did."
GOD!.
Why can't people tell about these things in a better way?. Why he has to be like a total jerk all the time?. Yes, and he screams at me and my brother, when mom is at work. Then she won't protect us, and he can release his nerves and distress on us.
We discussed about this a little with Elizabeth today, when I went out to meet her and couple of more people, and we were left waiting in the middle of the winter, when these other went to the shop to buy some wine.
She told me that pshycical abuse is a lot better than mental abuse. She is right. The mental bruses tend not to heal, yet the flesh wounds heal.
I know... I know that I will get better, when I finally get away from here, move away. Even my health will get better, as the constant abuse [and the parents even don't realize it] is making things stressed, and this transfers over into a pain. This way my damn organism and body suffers all the time, not to mention what my nerves are doing. Blah. Assholes.
I try. I try so hard and my best, but life is not easy. Yes, I have told many times that nothing is complicated, everything is simple. But my dear person, 'easy' and 'simple' are very different aspects of two sides of a coin. Makes any sense?. No?. Then fuck off.
I don't have to spend my time on useless people. Hah!. I used to be kind and easily used, yet now... the change came long time ago. Few years back. Two and something to it, actually. I became a bitch. I speak up. I am who I am, and I am proud to be here. Not in this damn house, but as a person.
Woke up today, with a huge migraine. It was hard to stand up, was possible only to lay down and do practically nothing. It felt good.
It still hasn't left me, though, but I manage. I just have to find something to make it go away.
To watch anime.
RP.
Listen to music.
Sleep.
I so want to, and yet, something still holds me back, and instead of that I write deepened storylines for my characters for Rp and just... *sigh*
Creating worlds has become my only sanctruary again. Writing poems and stories in my own head, since I am just way too restless to actually write them down, though I should. There is this story, that needs to be continued on, an entire world created. A whole system.
I shall not let you know about this here, since you'll never know who comes and steals it. My ideas are way too unique, so I better keep them to myself and for those, who honor it.
Of course, my father knows perfectly how to make my days brighter. He managed to come home and tell me :: "Yes, continue smoking, so you could end up in the hospital as well with the lung cancer like your grandfather did."
GOD!.
Why can't people tell about these things in a better way?. Why he has to be like a total jerk all the time?. Yes, and he screams at me and my brother, when mom is at work. Then she won't protect us, and he can release his nerves and distress on us.
We discussed about this a little with Elizabeth today, when I went out to meet her and couple of more people, and we were left waiting in the middle of the winter, when these other went to the shop to buy some wine.
She told me that pshycical abuse is a lot better than mental abuse. She is right. The mental bruses tend not to heal, yet the flesh wounds heal.
I know... I know that I will get better, when I finally get away from here, move away. Even my health will get better, as the constant abuse [and the parents even don't realize it] is making things stressed, and this transfers over into a pain. This way my damn organism and body suffers all the time, not to mention what my nerves are doing. Blah. Assholes.
I try. I try so hard and my best, but life is not easy. Yes, I have told many times that nothing is complicated, everything is simple. But my dear person, 'easy' and 'simple' are very different aspects of two sides of a coin. Makes any sense?. No?. Then fuck off.
I don't have to spend my time on useless people. Hah!. I used to be kind and easily used, yet now... the change came long time ago. Few years back. Two and something to it, actually. I became a bitch. I speak up. I am who I am, and I am proud to be here. Not in this damn house, but as a person.
Woke up today, with a huge migraine. It was hard to stand up, was possible only to lay down and do practically nothing. It felt good.
It still hasn't left me, though, but I manage. I just have to find something to make it go away.
To watch anime.
RP.
Listen to music.
Sleep.
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