20th June of 2010

Driving back home by bus, from Pärnu.

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Just bought a ticket and took a seat in the back. Well, almost. Heading towards the "home", not that I want to go there. After talk with J. his words made me think about one whole part of my own self, that I have kept behind thousands of locks and hundreds of iron doors. It heads back to the times of my childhood and I was so close to tell him more than I would have wanted to. We are more alike in certain matters than he may realize now, yet we both choce different paths.

What I mean is that not I start another battle with myself to become better individual. This means ripping all those comfort zone locks down and away, and this will take a lot of struggling, not to mention tears, but that eventually makes everything better. Yesterday I sat on the balcony of my dear friend, wore nothing but few clothes and a blanket around me. Lit another cig and slid down the road, and suddenly it hit me like mother would hit robber with a pan. This battle will be harder than I ever imagined. The understanding is there, though. It is something that needs to be done and practiced. But I do admit, certain matters make me be ashamed over myself and there is possibility that my mouth wont speak of it. I can't say never, because nevers and evers tend to take other turns. 

Half way have passed. A bit more and then I am back in the place that I have never taken and thought as of home. Also, some good news!. In august of 2010 there will be my first artshow!. If I am lucky, I may recieve a letter or diploma that I have done it. So then I can seek if I can register myself into Estonian Artists Union. But the system of the whole process kind of sucks. They know how to make simple things complicated. And I can't tell about those matters to my parents, because they won't have no good words left to me. Specially Father, who lately has chosent to scream or ignore me.