Some thoughts...

Today I woke up with Breaking Benjamin in my mind, two songs, one, then another one, then the first and then the second. Switching places, like it is absolutely okay. It isn't okay. Not for me. Never. Because so many have cried into these songs, so many have gone into death, carrying them in themselves. There are so many solutions and no real consequences, because people simply do not like to take the responsibility. They fear, and from fear comes hate. Why do we need to be afraid and therefor, why we need to hate?.

I live on, just because I am not ready to quit yet. There are things to cross my path. Things to be done. I want to have a road trip in United States. And there are so many other things and peoples, to become part of my stupid human life. It is pathetic, simply pathetic, because I am afraid to live. My mind and body freezes, when I need to go and do those everyday things. It all freezes, I turn my back once more and run away, leaving disasters behind me. This brings me to one thing - who am I to speak about responsibility. This is certainly something that I should keep my tongue away from.

It is always good to give advice to others, and never follow them. Good to deny the truth, as so many are doing. Just want it all to disappear and disappear with me. People giving me hope, the same hope that has shattered long ago. Don't want to step into the same pool of dirt, where all that lies are fake memories and stupid illusions. Held it all inside of me, the feelings and thoughts, not letting them sink out and get to others. They don't need my judgement or my worries over something that for them is nothing. Their problems have engaged them, there is no room for others.

Many have called me with a name of "Angel", promised me never hurt me and yet they do. Because they are afraid. Because I am not good enough. This is just another reason in the list. Like the same person, who broke my nerves and just accused and accused and kept doing it, until I just broke. She is another reason in the list as well. There are so many days, when I wish I don't feel. I want to trash my empathic powers and just slide away from the view. Shedding tears, silently in my room. Or hoping that I don't wake my brother, who have come home over such a long time, because I just can't stop the tears. I want to disappear. Can I disappear?. May I...

...disappear?.

*

And I'm here because of faith
And not all of the times you left me bleeding
It was faith and not all of the times you left me bleeding
/-/
I've been awakened
By the lonely tears falling down my face again
And the bitterness on my skin
It's not forgotten
But you've forgiven everything I've ever done

- Puddle of Mudd "It Was Faith" lyrics