Every relationship that I have.
Friendship. Or any other.
They all brake and fall in pieces.
There are only few, who have left;
and yet, I do not know, if they will leave me soon too...

My soul is restless,
longing for something that might never happen.
Something that is just an illusion.

Here I am, thinking of quitting VF for good.
But it is not like a full thought and decision.
Just a reflection of pain...

There is no need to say "I'm sorry", cause it dosen't mean a shit to me.
There is no need for hug or feeling pity.
There is no need for any of this human like, emotional bullshit.
It dosen't give me anything.
It dosen't mean anything for me.
Since I don't feel nothing anyhow.



You all, or just most of you, eventually will leave me, will leave my side and go away.
You find me being a bullshit, what I actually am.
Or you just find, that I can't offer you this person, who you simply want to see in me.
You better leave now, and let me breathe with ease.
Not saying that you all are a burden for me.
I am saying that I am burden for all of you!.

Many of you have said, that they wish there were more people like me in the world.
Wrong wish. Don't.
There would just be more good people, who is taken advatage of others, how much they try to keep the guard up. There would be more those people, who are sincere, yes; but who feel more, deeper and therefor go through the hell over and over again. There would be more of those, who wish they were dead and who embrace and admire Death with all of their soul and heart and mind and existence.
Just don't. It won't take you no fucking anywhere.

Yes, I am pushing you all away!. I am pushing you all away, even when some of you all still kindly amuse me. Even, when some of you truly care. I know, one word or statement from me, that is not meant as an insult and you woll flee from me. I am built to hurt. I am built to suffer and you have nothing else to do, than watch my drowning.

I bet many of you even don't read this entry. I bet many of you just slide over with your tiny little bleeding eyes. All you say these good things about me. All you say you "love me", but when I do something, that you dont like, then I am thinking - where you hide this fake I love you thing?. It seems like I am a doll to most of you. Just a puppet, who to pull and push around, and I am stupid enough to let it happen. Yes, you don't know me, and there is only TWO souls in VF, who KNOW me. One more than the other. And here I will drag the line. For now, the devil is the only one, who gets over that border and only, when he comes to claim my life, only when he comes and reaches his hand, so I could leave this phatetic world.