Yesterday was quite interestind day 'n' night. Drinkin' and smokin' some hookah. Mmmmmm... What a joy!.
Well. I have decided to move on. And smile. And say "Fuck you!".
Music:Yellowman - Bam Bam
I can get rid of two paintings. Yay. I have had enough of them stayin' in ma room. So. Rauno/Raq is the lucky person, who will get these. Free. ^^
Actually I am tired of just sitting around and doing nothin' but drinkin', listening to good music (I can do it anytime, tho), foolin' aroun' and so on. Sick and tired of this. Oh yeah I am. Someone has a work to offer?. Id think that there is. Even some Americans have hard time finding ONE decent job. What to talk about Estonians, eh... But at least they have SOMETHING. And we have NONE. I wouldn't say that I'd "Hooray!" for that...
Hey everyone!. Just got home. It's like 04:09 in the middle of the night, going to mornin'.
At first, before goin' out I opened my window and the fresh air welcomed me with chaotic Limp Bizkit and song "Nookie". The song is pure gold o'course. At first I went out in little hippie outfit: flowery dress over my black rebel jeans and a leather corsetlike jacket on, I was wearing simple purple shoes with flowers and small pearls on, that matched my dress. And all my hair were in such a damn mess. When I walked towards our town small sk8park, I understood a fact, why the music is so loud. And good. In our town is every year "Towndays". Somekind of several day long festival. And this year, like the last (I think???.), we had a sk8competition. I took out some money from my mom's account and went back home. Changed my clothes. Took some things I needed and off I went.
Our class reunion didn't go like it should in the first place. I looked others everywhere, but nah. Then I continued to watch the competition and the ppl around me. Very interesting and somewhat troublesome. My jaw dropped constantly against the damn muddy ground. Yes, the God thought it was good to pee on us. Again. And again. Fuck you!. Okay.
http://www.saarde-kings.blogspot.com/ I think this is right to do a introduction to those brave youngsters. This is the page. In Estonian, though. Bet they drool!. Why?. 'Cause there were (bmx) riders who were like... W.O.W!!!. I really enjoyed it. As well the music and ppl. Well. Those I know, but still. Emilie dragged me into a group and I met many new ppl. And some old ones, who I didn't recognize at first, though. Some childhood friends and so on. All younger than me. Suddenly it occurs me. I didnt even felt like an old fag between them... Oh well...
Even though I halfly promised myself that I won't start to drink. I did. Vodka at first, with some juice. Then I think.. whiskey?. Beer?. Cider?. And so it went.. I never got drunk, perhaps with the vodka in the begginning. And everyone else were soooooooo drunk around me. Funny to see and vitness this kind of foul thing. With Emilie and one of my best friends little sister we went to a concert. At first there were local band, ewww. The guy dosen't even know HOW to play that guitar. What a shame and waste of an instrument. Then I suddenly sat there all alone, guarding Emilie's bag. And the God desided to pee on us. First time on this day. I sat there and thought: "I am sitting in the middle of local ppl and some other disgusting fouls. Wtf am I doing here after all?"
I moved away and lurked everywhere. Including, playing a deliver gal to one of my best firends Liisa and her friend Jane. Some cig's and ciders. Three of us witnessed a crime. One small and thin girl argued loudly over small monument park. The guy who she barked at, was taller and seemed to have more might. He dragged her and treated like she was somekind of a dragdoll. I and Liisa watched this and talked about it lightly. I asume and am pretty sure, that if she would've fought back, or we would gone between them, she'd be beaten up more later. Liisa is right: "The self-preservation instinct".
Some so called local "belly-dancers" had a slight show. Ewww... And then came the band, for what I payed 100 estonian krones. Smilers.
The song is "Only For Dreaming" in english. And it is one of the best from them. And they played it too. MHK is happy puppy. (if everyone wants to know the words in english, lemme know, 'kay?) ^^ They were happy and the mass before the stage went insane and somewhat wild. All drunk and done. I jumped my back and feet and every other body part. Idk how I get myself move, after I wake up. This happens, when you are used to lay in your bed all day and night long. 'Case you have no fucking else to do in this small depressive town. (Besides goin' out for a walk with a dog). (Besides goin' out to shop, to get some groceries and beer for fam). (Besides goin' out for a walk with Liisa). (Besides goin' out for a drink and some stupid language games).
Finally I found some of my old classmates. There were few of us, but the main char's were there. Thank you, dear Jorma Kervin Triin Airi Kadi Ilona (I hope I didn't forget anyone). I lost them in some moments again. Went with Liisa and Jane to Ankru Bar (Anchor Bar). A local... yeah. I seem to find no right word to it. [[ funny scream and laughs toward it. no offence, o'course. ]] Some punk'n'rollers and other interesting old friends.
After I spent some more time with my old classmates. It was a reunion after all. Memememe, Airi, Triin and Kadi witnessed some gang and youngsters show off. "Oh, let's beat this guys ass. He seems to need that!" What a stupid fighting ppl. I went so mad, so Kadi offered me some cider, to "calm" me down. xD I seriously was ready to jump in and talk them outta of this stupid and unnecessary beating argument. Bahhh. Do you really have to push your chest into others and show, who is better male, better and stronger bull. Well, I tell ya one thing. None of you, who deal things like this, will never be a true male. Get over this allready!.
In the middle of this all we spent some more time in sk8park. And again, everything is so messed up in my head.
Oh. Someone found a youngster, a guy. Perhaps 16-17 years only. In a drunkcoma. Ambulance came. He was awake. Sort of. Even the cops showed up. And those Bulls fled, afraid of themselves. Most of them underage. Idk if he was taken away or not. I hope he is okay. Somwhat I hope he wasn't local. Or actually. It dosent damn matter. This is a young human life we are talking about.
I desided to live one day/night at once. Not worrying about the next one. Or the day that might never even come. I used to know and live like this. But it seems that as I forgot truth about myself, I forgot the truth about true way of living. One day, one moment at the time. And take it and enjoy it as it is your last.
"Cause I am tired of fighting of lost cause.." by Beck - Lost Cause
Okay. This is time for my music and some sleep afterwards. I keep to remembering myself. One day at the time!.
Damn this pain in my stomach. I can't even walk normally. Arrrgghh. Now I'm drinking marigold tea. Walking around, my Capricorn cup everywhere where I dare to go. Rawr.
Music:Marmaduke Duke & MGMT
I downloaded Public Image Ltd discography with utorrent. Yesterday I spent some time with their videos from youtube.com. I am downloading, or should I say the utorrent is... ... Criminal Minds first season. Yumm. I can't wait. Allthough I have seen A LOT from them, I still can't have enough. *drool*
It is like with Dexter. My mother thinks, that these series are too wierd. And psycho. But I do like "too wierd...and psycho". I can't help it. Allthough I have never watched the first two seasons twice. I should watch the third as well. But I have no clue, why I haven't got to that, yet. Oh, oh, oh... I think that the man, Michael C. Hall... ...he has like the most amazing eyes I have ever seen.. layed all over the damn television or lappy screen. Geesh. And the begginning of the series is THE BEST I have yet seen in my short life.
But, but, but... On saturday I go and have fun. No drinking ofcourse. Just a juice or tea. Or water - my dearest secret addiction. I have ruined my dear stomach with alcohol and painkillers. All together. And actually... I dont even wanna drink.
Haven't seen those people for so long. Not all of them together at least. And everytime there is another reunion. I am busy or somewhere else. Or working. Or living far away. Or just being an ass. And this time I seriously want to go. I wanna speak my mind open. And, and, and... I wanna hear them to talk about their first, one or two year old child. I wanna hear what they have to say about passing life. I wanna hear them laugh and talk like an grownups. Will we all eventually be something like grownups?. I know... the truth... about myself, though. I am and allways will stay a little bit child in my heart. It is actually kind of fenomenal. That... When you are a child, you want to be grown up. Or. Never leave the state of mind, being a child. And. When you are all big and are dealing the issues of life. You end up thinking Why I had to grow up?.
9th grade class reunion.
Well. I would say that I am kind of big ropleplayer. Not as sex games, though. Don't be stupid, child. But as in Vampirefreaks.com different RPG cults. The first cult I joined over than three months ago was Vampire Kingdom. And it became my home. But this home, like the rest of mine... ...crumbled into ashes. It never changed. It stood the same. 'Cause of the stubborn owner and Empress. (A Russian girl, btw). Lemme say one thing: she is a bitch!. And I HAVE the rights to say that out loud. 'Cause I am living on a free country.
And I left it. Only two other members know about this. I dont care about others. I have to think of MYSELF at first. Not letting them step on my head again. And again. And again. Fuck you!. Seriously!.
I have many other cults too. Vampire Monarchy III Lamia Ordinatio Vampyre Sect The Gathering Court and some else. Also my dear baby Coma. My own RPG cult that is sleeping now and waiting me to return to it. Well. I will. Eventually.
♥
MHK. Kisses with thorns. xxx ♥
PS. I saw the most akward dream today of all. Bahh. As I had a boyfriend, japanese guy, pretty one. Some band member. And he left me, cause I gave him too much freedom. He was wearing white shirt and black pants. And he was a little bit stoopid and childish. Oh c'mon you cant fill a plastic cup with hot hot water!?. And one Kill Hannah song haunted me. "Kennedy". The chorus part. Over and over again. It drove me nuts. And then I was in Viljandi Cultural Academy. And so on... WTF?.
Kes arvab ära mis sündmusest on järgnevalt keegi väga õigesti ja geniaalselt kirjutanud, siis postitage mulle kommentaaridesse/tšillikontidesse.
Kõikide õigestiarvanute vahel loositakse välja... hm... million tšillikonti... või ehk isegi külaskäigu minu poolt (kui ma terveks saan ja raha saan).
"Igal aastal, kui Jaanipäev seljataha jäänud ning suveke täie hoo sisse saanud, leiab ühes Eesti linnakeses nimega Vana-Vigala aset üks kummaline loodusnähtus. Nimelt just sellesse kohta toimub teatava inimtõu Homo sapiens ver. karvicus aesticus iga-aastane migratsioon. Seniajani ei ole juhtivad akadeemilised ringkonnad julgenud anda paikapanevaid vastuseid, mis täpselt sunnib selle alamliigi nii isaseid kui emaseid isendeid oma igapäevategemised jätma ja kurnavat retke ette võtma. Välja on pakutud nii paaritumisrituaali kui liigi geneetilisse mällu kodeeritud sõgedaksminekut. Viimast teooriat toetab võrdlus lemmingute massilise enesetapuga - nii nagu karvased väikeloomad hüppavad kaljult kindlasse surma, hüppavad karvased inimesed kaks-kolm päeva kestvasse tsüklisse. Ehkki ükski teadlane pole julgenud kohtlaste olendite sekka minna, on nende käsutuses piisavalt andmeid selle kohta, mis väikelinnnas toimub: lüüakse püsti ajutised varjualused, suheldakse röökival häälel ning lesitakse kõrvetava päikese käes õllemärjukest trimbates. On täheldatud ka teatava rituaalse muusika olemasolu, ehkki normaalsele inimkõrvale tundub see hirmus traadikangutamine ja ebaloomulik kurgurögin eemaletõukav. Kummalise palvetännaku eesmärk on teadmata - mõned teadlased on välja pakkunud mõnu tundmise eesmärgi, aga need ettepanekud on akadeemilistes ringkondades valjuhäälselt välja naerdud..."
Läheb lahti. Kuna ma olen hispaania keele, flamenko, jazzi, kuumavereliste inimeste, mustlaste fänn niikuinii lapsest peale olnud, siis see muusika lummab mind ja niidab maha. Hääs mõttes.
Olen austanud seda kultuuri niikaua kuni ma mäletan. Filmid. Muusika. Fotograafia.
Kaunis. Kaunis. Lihtsalt nii kaunis.
♥
Esimene, kelle peale ma oma kõrva sain oli Concha Buika. Metsik ja naturaalne.
Sündinud '72 aastal, Palma de Mallorcal. Ta perekond on päris Guineast ning kasvas üles mustlaste keskel. Tema muusika on segatud flamenko, soul'i, jazz'i ja funk'iga.
♥
Pastora Soler. Tugeva vokaaliga luljatar. Alguses ei osanud oodata mis sealt tuleb, aga hinge võtab siiski kinni. On see dramaatilisusest või tema hääle kõlast. Kaunis!.
♥
Albert Pla
♥
Albertucho Üiks lõbusam lugu. Miski lummab. No minul lummab mõnus mustlas-hispaania-muusika niikuinii, olgugi et olen valiv. ^^
♥
Huecco Lalja Ivahn on endine liige ühest hard roki bändist Sugarless. Stiili nimi on Rumbaton - ehk segu rumbast, reaggest, rockist, hispaania helidest, sambast, pungist, hip-hopist ja skast. Ta on seganud flamenco kitarri elektri kitarri omadega, et riffe luua.
See meeldib isegi rohkem:
♥
Sugarless Kuna mulle meeldis, mida eelnev noormees uue bändiga tegi, hakkas mind huvitama, mis see Sugarless siis teeb või tegi. Ja ma ei pidanud pettuma.
♥
Pata Negra Blues vs flamenco. Mõõõõõnus. Paneb mul jala tatsuma ja keha liikuma.
Jäin lõpuks peale seitset magama ja ärkasin circa kümme mintsa tagasi.
Mõned mu haavaõmblused on taas lahti rebenenud.
Minu jaoks on õudne see, et ma ei oska oma siseasjadest enam kirjutada. Olen umbes, kaks kuud olnud lukus. Joonistada ega maalida ka ei taha. Üldse ei taha. Ei taha...
Ja asi ei ole emotsemises (oh, kuidas ma ei kannata üleüldist leibeldamist), asi on enesega läbisaamises ja iseenese tundma õppimises. Muud midagi. Iseendaga ära leppimises, sest seda on minul hetkel kõige rohkem vaja.
See, kui inimesel on raske aeg ja ta üritab kuidagigi toime tulla, seltsiks vaid internet, muusika ja kiskjaliste poolt lõhki rebitud hing, siis see ei tähenda, et oled kohe emo. Baah. Ei ole.
Mida iganes.
Saage enne iseenestest aru ja siis tulge minu konte närima.
Ausalt ka. Mida iganes.
★
Muidugi olen tänulik ka nende inimeste eest, kes toeks on olnud ja lihtsalt... on olemas olnud. Marju. Liisa - sa lihtsalt võtad kratist kinni ja vead mu õue, see on hea. Liina - minu väike sinine sisse-välja-sisse-välja-aga-lapsi-ei-tule-päikeseratas. Ja ongi kõik?. Oi, Marlén on ka... Jah. Aga siiski, see ongi kõik, kellega viimasel ajal kõikse tihedamini kontaktis olen olnud?. Teistel on ju muudki teha, enda haavu lakkuda. Ei ole mõtet rohekmatki küsida ja leppida sellega, mis on antud. Ja tegelikult, ega nemad ju minu hinge nõeluma ei hakka, pean ikka ise endale näppu torkides ja verega määrides asjad korda ajama.
★
Kas kõik on olnud unenägu?. Kus ma tripin?. Kuhu järgmiseks viib mu tee?.
All that I do is running away. Millal see lõppeb?.
Segadus. Meeletu segadus.
Asjakohane lugu mängib: Kill Hannah - Believer
It took eight years just to realize, No one looks when we say goodbye. Dying just to survive. It feels like the first time.
All the things that you set aside. All the friends that you leave behind, Just so the curtain would rise. And it feels like the first time.
Take this heart. It's tickin' like a cheap clock. Oh, I need you to believe in me 'til there's nothing left of us. Oh, I need you to believe in me. Oh my God.
We were under the skyline. Through the sirens and flashing lights. Told me "it's no use to try anymore. Does it mean that much to you?"
At that moment when time stops all at once, see the pressure drops. Way in the back of my teeth I knew, That we all could make it.
Take this heart. It's tickin' like a time bomb. And I'm not running anymore! I'll stand to face it all! I'll fight for every breath until there's nothing left of us! Oh, I need you to believe in me. Oh my God.
And I'm not running anymore! I'll stand to face it all! I'll fight for every breath until there's nothing left of us! Oh, I need you to believe in me. 'til there's nothing left of us. Oh, I need you to believe! I need you to believe!
Ehk mul tuleks tõesti peatuda sel meeleheitlikul elukarusellil. Lihtsalt peatuda, hinge tõmmata ja rahulikult edasi liikuda, ah?. Mis arvate?. Et aitab sellest enese lõhki kiskumisest?. Mõelda kasvõi natukene iseendale?. Jah?. Ei?. I just need to believe in myself... perhaps ever again.
1. Put Your iTunes, Windows Media Player, ETC on Shuffle. 2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer. 3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS. 4. Put any comments in brackets after the song name.
If someone says, “Is this okay?” You say: Guns 'N' Roses - I.R.S.
How would you describe yourself? Disturbed - Deify
What do you like in a guy/girl? Dave Gahan - Kingdom
How do you feel today? Katatonia - Chrome
What is your life’s purpose? A Thorn For Every Heart - Dead Man's Partry
What is your motto? Elvenking - The Divid Heart
What do your friends think of you? Cypress Hill - No Rest For The Wicked
What do you think of your parents? INXS (Michael Hutchence solo) - Possibilities
What do you think about very often? Mortal Love - Memory
What is 2 + 2? Busta Rhymes - Milkshake (RMX)
What do you think of your best friend? Bon Jovi - Living On A Prayer
What do you think of the person you like? Sinead O'Connor - Vampire
What is your life story? XPQ-21 - Jesus Was Gay
What do you want to be when you grow up? Faithless feat. Cat Power - A Kind Of Peace
What do you think of when you see the person you like? Evanescence - The Only One
What will you dance to at your wedding? Blink 182 - Easy Target
What will they play at your funeral? Draconian - On Sunday They Will Kill The World
What is your hobby/interest? Kill Hannah - All That He Wants (American Jet Set)
What is your biggest fear? Opeth - The Moor
What is your biggest secret? Nirvana - Heart-Shaped Box
What do you think of your friends? Mötley Crüe - Porno Star
What do you think of your body? Jack Bruce - Ballad For Arthur
What is the best music style? David Newman - Trading Station Robbery
What do you think how will you die? Coal Chamber - Sway (Hypno-Submissive Mix)
What would you choose for truth? Sirenia - Star-crossed
What would you choose for dare? Skid Row - Shut Up Baby, I Love You
What will you be your first date? Katatonia - Omerta
What will be your first kiss? Metsatöll - Metsaviha I
What is your biggest hate? Iona - Turning Tide
What is your biggest love? Adiemus - Chorale I (Za Ma Ba)
What do you think of men? Hardcore Superstar - Hey Now
What do you think of women? Blink 182 - Dumpweed
What do you think of love? White Zombie - One Big Crunch
What will you think of yout first child? Kelis ft Nas - Popular Thug
What do you think of classical mop cars? Deftones - Elite
What do you think of motorcycles? Evanescence - Whisper
What do you think of Jack Daniels? David Bowie - Don't Sit Down
What would you choose for fun? Within Temptation - Enter
What you think of your RPG friends? Native American - Dance Of The Warrior
What do you say if he/she says "I hate you"? Black Label Society - Hey You (Batch Of Lies)
What do you say if he/she says "I love you"? David Bowie - Queen Bitch
What do you say for meat? Skid Row - The Threat
What do you think of vegetarians? Cartel - Wanderwall
What do you think of trance? Manowar - The Ascension
What do you think of me? Cruachan - To Invoke the Horned God
Nonii. Unustasin mainida, et Avantasia album The Scarecrow on üliheaaa!. Ja Ayreoni viimane ka.
RIVERSIDE ESINEB 25NDAL TALLINNAS TAPPERIS. Oh kurja!. Vanamehele pajatasin, tal oli kohe et "Ausalt või!" Ta ju ka fännab ja armastab neid. Einoh. Papsilt ma saingi nendega tuttavaks üldse. Eks näis kas ta läheb v mitte. Karta on et läheb.
Ja see pplaylist mida ma umbes kuradima kaks tundi nühkisin teha, endal koguaeg tunne, et ma oksendan oma liigkiiresti lööva südame iga hetk välja, sellest ei olnud kasu. Sest mu/venna vana mp3 keeldus T-Ö-Ö-T-A-M-A-S-T!. Fakk juu.
I am up and after about an hour and half I start to walk towards the local bus-station. Yay!. I can get out of the fucking small town that makes me insane. My bloodpressure and heart is pumping and I feel kind of dizzy and sick, cause I have like 5 COFFEIN TABLETS in. Usually my bloodpressure is about 80-90 and now it is like 115-119. For me this is EXTREMELY HIGH. Yahooooooo. Crazy. I am crazy. But this was the only thing that kept me awake, cause I need to catch my bus before seven o'clock in the freaking morning. This means. Soon. I just cant stay in one place too long, Im getting hyper and I cant wait til I get out from the house and in the fresh air. Hell Yeah!.
My mp3 musiclist for tomorrow/today. Hell Yeah!.
A Perfect Circle - Mer De Noms (2000) Blackstrobe - Burn Your Own Church (2007) Dagö - Dagö (2000) Fink - Biscuits for Breakfast (2006) Plus 44 - When Your Heart Stops Beating CD Tricky-Knowle West Boy (2008) CD
Black Stone Cherry - Maybe Someday Black Stone Cherry - Shooting Star blink-182 - Mother's Day (bonus track) Blink 182 - Adam's Song Blink 182 - Aliens Exist Blink 182 - All The Small Things Blink 182 - Dammit Blink 182 - Don't Blink 182 - Down Blink 182 - Dumpweed Blink 182 - I Miss You Blink 182 - Josie Blink-182 - Peggy Sue Blink 182 - Sometimes Blink 182 - Stockholm Syndrome Blink-182 - Strings Blink-182 - Wasting Time Blink 182 - What's My Age Again
Death In Vegas and Iggy Pop- Aisha Drowning Pool - Bodies (vrenna xxx mix)
Faster Pussycat - Big Dictionary Faster Pussycat - I Was Made For Loving U Faster Pussycat - Where There's A Whip There's A Way
Gavin Rossdale - Adrenaline Guns N' Roses - Cats in the Cradle and the Silver Spoon Guns N' Roses - Knockin' On Heavens Door Guns N' Roses - Night Train Guns N' Roses - Paradise City Guns N' Roses - Sweet Child Of Mine Guns N' Roses - Welcome to the Jungle
Hatebreed - I Will Be Heard
Iggy Pop - Lust For Life Iggy Pop - Private Hell Iggy Pop & The Stooges - Heroin Iggy Pop & The Stooges - I Wanna Be Your Dog Iggy Pop & White Zombie - Black Sunshine I Mother Earth - Juicy
Kill Hannah - Lips Like Morphine KoRn - Another Brick In The Wall KoRn - Evolution KoRn - Falling Away From Me KoRn - Word Up
LA Guns - Frequency LA Guns - Over the Edge
Moby - Landing
NERD (The Neptunes) - Truth or Dare
OT3P - Autopsy Song OT3P - Battle Ready OT3P - Buried Alive OT3P - Confrontation OT3P - Crooked Spoons OT3P - Fillthee OT3P - Home Grown OT3P - Hooks & Splinters OT3P - House of Secrets OT3P - Invisible OT3P - March of the Martyrs OT3P - Menocide OT3P - Milk of Regret OT3P - My Confession OT3P - Nein OT3P - Noose and Nail OT3P - Possession OT3P - Self Made OT3P - Special Pets OT3P - The Lord Is My Weapon OT3P - T.R.I.C.
Pulkas - Control Pulkas - Hippy Fascist Pulkas - Rubber Room Pulkas - This Is It
Rammstein - Feuer Frei
She Wants Revenge - Black Liner Run She Wants Revenge - I Don't Want To Fall In Love She Wants Revenge - Out Of Control She Wants Revenge - Sister She Wants Revenge - Tear You Apart She Wants Revenge - What I Want Side Effect X - Get Off Me Side Effect X - Golden Skies Sister Sin - Hostile-Violent Sister Sin - Love-Hate Sister Sin - Switchblade Serenade Skunk Anansie - And here I stand Skunk Anansie - And this is nothing that i thought i had Skunk Anansie - It takes blood and guts to be this cool but I'm still just a cliche Skunk Anansie - Only You - Infidelity Skunk Anansie - On my hotel TV Skunk Anansie - Little baby swastikkka Skunk Anansie - Milk Si My Sugar Skunk Anansie - Selling Jesus Skunk Anansie - Yes It's Fucking Political Stolen Babies - A Year of Judges Stolen Babies - Push Button Stolen Babies - Tablescrap Stolen Babies - The Button Has Been Pushed
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Üks jõhker inglisekeelne luuletus teile. Ma ei ole eriti vormis olnud viimased paar päeva.
.. I am insensible and hurt. I am back where I used to belong. I know I have some drugs to take, but I cant make myself and become the zombie again. I want to think. I want to move. I want to feel...
... but right now I am feeling too much. Everything turns and flushes me over with dirt. My soul is in fire, burning in rage and fear, that I wont find from life what I truly desire.
It feels like I am floating inside myself and my body is a cell, a cage. It feels like I am screaming, but with no voice. There is no one to hear it. No one to see my suffer, my delusions, my dilemma.
I have wounded mind. I am one of the Shadow Soldiers. Her music, words, voice, message is only what can offer a shield on these moments. Who knows about whom I am talking, ten points and a broken bones to them. Good appetite. But who dosent, then I'll get a barbed wire around your throat and slice some pieces from you.
... see? I am in rage and anger. I want to hurt someone so bad, that it makes me insane. And it swirls inside me. Rushes along my body, with blood and disease of mankind.
Confusion. Bad adrenaline rush. Numbness. Suffocation. Invisible. Perfectly flawed.
I can not be perfect for everyone. I can not be happy all the fucking time. I can not give you what you want. I am not just a machine in this society.
Tulin just laua tagant, kus võtsin tervisešnapsu koos paari toreda peresõbraga ja vanematega. Jõime punast itaalia mõrkjat veini, mis maitseb nii hea. Ja kuulsime-vaatsime üht Robert Planti DVD'd. Mõnus.
Lava oli onu Plantil ehitud Pärsia vaipade ja vidinatega. Tegid seal ka mõnusaid Zeppelii lugus. ^^
Nüüd istun enda toas, higistan ja joon terveisešnapsu koos veiniga. Kumb kummale pealejoogiks on, ei oska öelda, sest mõlemad on omatmoodi mõrudad.
Muusika: Vagabond - Dealers (üks neist Jorn Lande esimestest bändidest)
Nii et siis parimad albumid (minu jaoks) läbi mu kogu elu.
Ambeon - Fate of a dreamer
Coal Chamber - Giving the Devil His Due
Damien Marley - Welcome To Jamrock 2005 David Sylvian - Dead Bees On A Cake 1999 Deftones - White Pony Draconian - Arcane Rain Fell
Elizabethtown OST Epica - Consign To Oblivion
Kamelot - Epica 2003 Kamelot - The Black Halo Katatonia - The Great Cold Distance Katatonia - Viva Emptiness
Lisa Gerrard - The Best Of
m83 - Before the dawn heals us 2005 Metsatöll - Hiiekoda
Opeth - Damnation Opeth - The Ghost Revieres Otep - The House of Secrets 2004
Passenger - Passenger 2003 P.O.D. - Payable On Death 2003
Queen of the Damned OST
Satyricon - Now, Diabolical Side Effect X - Golden Skies 2004 Sinead O'Connor - Throw Down Your Arms 2005 Soulfly - Primitive Stone Sour - Come What(ever) May 2006
The Animatrix OST Tool - Aenemia 1996 Tricky - Knowle West Boy
* Penny = The only one beside me, whom knows my Mind.
* Monkey = A guy with big smile.
* Onee-chan = Almost-like-a-twin-non-biological-sister.
* Little L = A friend from past, from the childhood.
* Sunshine = a young man, who just shines.
* Naks = a guy with the big heart.
* Elizabeth = One of my bestest friends.
* Kai = Non-biological crazy Onii-chan.
* Onyx = My lost&found twin brother. Basically he is me as a male.
