Aloha.

♥

Damn this pain in my stomach. I can't even walk normally. Arrrgghh.
Now I'm drinking marigold tea.
Walking around, my Capricorn cup everywhere where I dare to go.
Rawr.

Music: Marmaduke Duke & MGMT

I downloaded Public Image Ltd discography with utorrent.
Yesterday I spent some time with their videos from youtube.com.
I am downloading, or should I say the utorrent is...
... Criminal Minds first season. Yumm. I can't wait.
Allthough I have seen A LOT from them,
I still can't have enough.
*drool*

It is like with Dexter.
My mother thinks, that these series are too wierd.
And psycho.
But I do like "too wierd ...and psycho".
I can't help it.
Allthough I have never watched the first two seasons
twice.
I should watch the third as well.
But I have no clue, why I haven't got to that, yet.
Oh, oh, oh...
I think that the man, Michael C. Hall...
...he has like the most amazing eyes I have ever seen..
layed all over the damn television or lappy screen.
Geesh.
And the begginning of the series is THE BEST I have yet seen in my short life.

But, but, but...
On saturday I go and have fun.
No drinking ofcourse.
Just a juice or tea.
Or water - my dearest secret addiction.
I have ruined my dear stomach with alcohol and painkillers.
All together.
And actually... I dont even wanna drink.

Haven't seen those people for so long. Not all of them together at least.
And everytime there is another reunion. I am busy or somewhere else.
Or working. Or living far away.
Or just being an ass.
And this time I seriously want to go.
I wanna speak my mind open.
And, and, and...
I wanna hear them to talk about their first, one or two year old child.
I wanna hear what they have to say about passing life.
I wanna hear them laugh and talk like an grownups.
Will we all eventually be something like grownups?.
I know... the truth... about myself, though.
I am and allways will stay a little bit child in my heart.
It is actually kind of fenomenal.
That...
When you are a child, you want to be grown up.
Or.
Never leave the state of mind, being a child.
And.
When you are all big and are dealing the issues of life.
You end up thinking
Why I had to grow up?.

9th grade class reunion.

Well.
I would say that I am kind of big ropleplayer.
Not as sex games, though.
Don't be stupid, child.
But as in Vampirefreaks.com different RPG cults.
The first cult I joined over than three months ago was
Vampire Kingdom.
And it became my home.
But this home, like the rest of mine...
...crumbled into ashes.
It never changed.
It stood the same.
'Cause of the stubborn owner and Empress.
(A Russian girl, btw).
Lemme say one thing:
she is a bitch!.
And I HAVE the rights to say that out loud.
'Cause I am living on a free country.

And I left it.
Only two other members know about this.
I dont care about others.
I have to think of MYSELF at first.
Not letting them step on my head again. And again. And again.
Fuck you!.
Seriously!.

I have many other cults too.
Vampire Monarchy III
Lamia Ordinatio
Vampyre Sect
The Gathering Court
and some else.
Also my dear baby Coma.
My own RPG cult that is sleeping now
and waiting me to return to it.
Well.
I will.
Eventually.

♥

MHK.
Kisses with thorns.
xxx
♥

PS. I saw the most akward dream today of all. Bahh. As I had a boyfriend, japanese guy, pretty one. Some band member. And he left me, cause I gave him too much freedom. He was wearing white shirt and black pants. And he was a little bit stoopid and childish. Oh c'mon you cant fill a plastic cup with hot hot water!?. And one Kill Hannah song haunted me. "Kennedy". The chorus part. Over and over again. It drove me nuts. And then I was in Viljandi Cultural Academy. And so on... WTF?.

Ma ei saa aru...

...kõik on nagu ju korras?!. Ja miks ma tunnen, et ma tahan endale noa kätte lüüa siis?.

Mingid paranoiad käivad peal.
Et ega Ta ikka ei kahetse nüüd. Et ega ma... Et ega ta minus pettunud ei ole või...

Faaak.

*halahalahalahala*

Nii ruttu...

nii ruttu ta mind unustaski... tartu oli kui happetripp, mis alguses tundus nõnda tähelepanuväärne ja kaunis, lausa uskumatu... kuid ma ei osanud eales arvata, et sellest järjekordne bädtripp saab...

kokku kukkumine.
oli see kõik uni, silmnähtamatu ja vaevata?.

egoism. valveta jäänud ööd, päevad ja tunded.

arm südames ja arm nahal.
tuhandeid seletamatuid haavu.

ma ei oska tartust kirjutada. ma ei talu, ei taju, mida tunnetangi.
kas on üldse mõtet?. kas ta teab... kas mäletab... kas tahab... tegelikult ei huvita.
või õigupoolest peaks?.

mõttehiiglane või alandlik geniaalsus?.
tegelikkus peitis vale ja valu.

kildudeks kukkus päike ja unustati ta sära.

kui palju on ta mind tegelikult mustanud?.
kui palju ta esitles valet, kui mind esimest korda reetis?.
kas...

... ma ei oska heita pisaraid inimese eest või pärast, kes minule haava lõi...
... ja mina samaga vastasin. eneseheitlik enesekaitkse.

kuulge, ma ei taha enam.
ma ei taha enam tartusse tulla. tegelikult. see valu teeb pimedaks.
niikaua kuni tema on läinud.
niikaua kuni vihm on pesnud puhtaks verest need tänavad.

kuulge, ma ei taha enam.
rääkida sest ajast... ei taha..

või kas ma üldse kunagi sellest rääkinud olen?.
ei taha.