Don't think...

...don't think, or You'll drown again.

*

Food: blueberry cake & some chocolate-waffel candybar

Music: A Perfect Circle

Drink: natural applecider

Mood: drunk & tired & numb & crashing

Book: Dan Simmons "Hyperion" &

Laurell K. Hamilton "Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter 3 - Circus of the Damned"

*

Being an unemployee, in a way it has been good to and for meh.

At first I tried not to analyse things

and problems in meh and with meh,

but now... I have done it even not noticeing,

it has become one of meh,

like it is natural.

I begin to understand myself more.

I begin to understand my own wantings & needs.

*

I used to be in love.

I used to be dumped.

I used to be broken & angry.

I used to be desperate & out of mah head.

I used to be single & looking.

I used to be single & looking...

Now I outlined myself from the flesh market

&

became single & not looking.

Before I even start to look & search

another meaningless & unnecessary relationship

with another mutherfucking asshole,

I need to accept my own self.

Being constantly on the top of the argument mountain

don't do the things easier for meh.

In any possible way!.

*

Rocka Chase

Bitter and emotionless.

xxx

Tahate teada kuidas ma olen tundnud ...

.... need viimased KUUS KUUD???

Siin on teie võimalus:

Here is just a perfect song telling you that:



Lyrics:

/he/

I don't feel quite myself
I think I'm losing heart
I'm sick and tired of all those words
Voices in my head
I think I have become
Another suffering of my soul

You ask me how I'm feeling
Looking in my eyes
Hearing only what you want to hear
I'm holding my breath
Holding my time
I wish you knew how I was hurt

I'm really scared of getting lost in real life
So please stop asking me for more
Let me get this straight
Let me get this right
I need a place to be alone

I need a place to be
I need a breath to take
Don't wanna scream with my mouth shut
It leads us nowhere
Stop looking at me like that
This is not what I had in mind

I'm really scared of getting lost in real life
So please stop asking me for more
Let me get this straight
Let me get this right
I need a place to be alone

Let me get this straight
Let me get this right

Let me go
You've just helped to get me out of myself


*****

Sellest on saanud minu hümn.

Pain

ütleks, et... igatsus on.
ja ma ei saa aru, miks?. miks see nii järsku pidi tulema?. ja miks ta nii lameda vabandusega üldse lagedale tuli?.
like why?.

nüüd olen haige ka. hambavalujamad. katsun ravida koduste emdikamentidega, et natukenegi parem oleks.
täna tuli koer vaatama, et miks ma nii kohutavaid hääli teen elutoa diivanil.
nutsin.
valust.

lõugu väga laiali ajada ei saa, sest mingi oga lööb sisse ja vsjoo.
rohkem lahti ei tule.
(muigab. okei. mitte vasakule mõelda, ma üritan tõsisest asjast rääkida).
ja neelata on ka raske.
ma ei tea kas väljalõikamata mandlid on sellega kuidagi seotud,
aga kergelt paistes on kõri ka vist.
närvipõletik ma pakun.
ja EI!.
ma ei lähe hambaarstile.
ma kardan, just, KARDAN neid rohkem kui tuld.

ja ma tahaks kõikidel meestel munad maha võtta.
kas ta rääkis neid mesisõnu vaid selleks, et mind voodisse saada?.
kas ta rääkis üldse tõtt?.
(kuigi mu sisetunne ütleb, et selleks on suur tõenäosus!.)
(et tõde rääkis.)
kui sa oled mageda vabandusega lagedale tulnud,
siis võiks ju tagajärgede eest ka vastutada ja vastust anda,
kui ma püüan oma küsimustele vastust saada.
seda nimetatakse kõrgiks ebaviisakuseks.

ja ma olen jälle puruks.
sodi.
nii palju siis lootmisest ja enese avamisest.
aitäh.
et murdsid mu.

Ma ei saa aru...

...kõik on nagu ju korras?!. Ja miks ma tunnen, et ma tahan endale noa kätte lüüa siis?.

Mingid paranoiad käivad peal.
Et ega Ta ikka ei kahetse nüüd. Et ega ma... Et ega ta minus pettunud ei ole või...

Faaak.

*halahalahalahala*

was it all for nothing?.

★

she is... now gone from my life
but still breaths in these wounds

even if i would like to talk, tell, scream, whisper
about it.
i am unable to.
i am unable to find the words


★

kuidas saavad inimesed teistele halba teha?.
ma saan aru, kui see minulgi juhtub, aga... ma ei tee seda meelega.

miks leiavad nad sellest naudingut?.

★

Muusika: Katatonia - The Great Cold Distance (album)


MH.
xxx

★

Elumängud

Muusika: Kill Hannah

Jäin lõpuks peale seitset magama ja ärkasin circa kümme mintsa tagasi.

Mõned mu haavaõmblused on taas lahti rebenenud.

Minu jaoks on õudne see, et ma ei oska oma siseasjadest enam kirjutada. Olen umbes, kaks kuud olnud lukus. Joonistada ega maalida ka ei taha. Üldse ei taha. Ei taha...

Ja asi ei ole emotsemises (oh, kuidas ma ei kannata üleüldist leibeldamist), asi on enesega läbisaamises ja iseenese tundma õppimises. Muud midagi. Iseendaga ära leppimises, sest seda on minul hetkel kõige rohkem vaja.

See, kui inimesel on raske aeg ja ta üritab kuidagigi toime tulla, seltsiks vaid internet, muusika ja kiskjaliste poolt lõhki rebitud hing, siis see ei tähenda, et oled kohe emo. Baah. Ei ole.

Mida iganes.

Saage enne iseenestest aru ja siis tulge minu konte närima.

Ausalt ka.
Mida iganes.


★


Muidugi olen tänulik ka nende inimeste eest, kes toeks on olnud ja lihtsalt... on olemas olnud.
Marju. Liisa - sa lihtsalt võtad kratist kinni ja vead mu õue, see on hea. Liina - minu väike sinine sisse-välja-sisse-välja-aga-lapsi-ei-tule-päikeseratas.
Ja ongi kõik?. Oi, Marlén on ka... Jah.
Aga siiski, see ongi kõik, kellega viimasel ajal kõikse tihedamini kontaktis olen olnud?.
Teistel on ju muudki teha, enda haavu lakkuda. Ei ole mõtet rohekmatki küsida ja leppida sellega, mis on antud.
Ja tegelikult, ega nemad ju minu hinge nõeluma ei hakka, pean ikka ise endale näppu torkides ja verega määrides asjad korda ajama.



★


Kas kõik on olnud unenägu?. Kus ma tripin?. Kuhu järgmiseks viib mu tee?.

All that I do is running away.
Millal see lõppeb?.

Segadus. Meeletu segadus.

Asjakohane lugu mängib:
Kill Hannah - Believer

It took eight years just to realize,
No one looks when we say goodbye.
Dying just to survive.
It feels like the first time.

All the things that you set aside.
All the friends that you leave behind,
Just so the curtain would rise.
And it feels like the first time.

Take this heart. It's tickin' like a cheap clock.
Oh, I need you to believe in me 'til there's nothing left of us.
Oh, I need you to believe in me.
Oh my God.

We were under the skyline.
Through the sirens and flashing lights.
Told me "it's no use to try anymore.
Does it mean that much to you?"

At that moment when time stops all at once, see the pressure drops.
Way in the back of my teeth I knew,
That we all could make it.

Take this heart. It's tickin' like a time bomb.
And I'm not running anymore!
I'll stand to face it all!
I'll fight for every breath until there's nothing left of us!
Oh, I need you to believe in me.
Oh my God.

And I'm not running anymore!
I'll stand to face it all!
I'll fight for every breath until there's nothing left of us!
Oh, I need you to believe in me.
'til there's nothing left of us.
Oh, I need you to believe!
I need you to believe!






Ehk mul tuleks tõesti peatuda sel meeleheitlikul elukarusellil. Lihtsalt peatuda, hinge tõmmata ja rahulikult edasi liikuda, ah?. Mis arvate?. Et aitab sellest enese lõhki kiskumisest?. Mõelda kasvõi natukene iseendale?. Jah?. Ei?.

I just need to believe in myself... perhaps ever again.


Siiski, veel naeratades,
M.
xxx

Üks jõhker inglisekeelne luuletus teile. Ma ei ole eriti vormis olnud viimased paar päeva.

.. I am insensible and hurt.
I am back where I used to belong.
I know I have some drugs to take,
but I cant make myself and become the zombie again.
I want to think.
I want to move.
I want to feel...

... but right now I am feeling too much.
Everything turns and flushes me over with dirt.
My soul is in fire, burning in rage and fear,
that I wont find from life what I truly desire.

It feels like I am floating inside myself and my body is a cell, a cage.
It feels like I am screaming, but with no voice.
There is no one to hear it.
No one to see my suffer, my delusions, my dilemma.

I have wounded mind.
I am one of the Shadow Soldiers.
Her music, words, voice, message is only
what can offer a shield on these moments.
Who knows about whom I am talking,
ten points and a broken bones to them.
Good appetite.
But who dosent, then I'll get a barbed wire around your throat
and slice some pieces from you.

... see? I am in rage and anger.
I want to hurt someone so bad,
that it makes me insane.
And it swirls inside me.
Rushes along my body,
with blood
and disease of mankind.

Confusion.
Bad adrenaline rush.
Numbness.
Suffocation.
Invisible.
Perfectly flawed.

I can not be perfect for everyone.
I can not be happy all the fucking time.
I can not give you what you want.
I am not just a machine in this society.

I am individual.

I am better.

I am ME!.

Muusika: OTEP

Too much...

★
Muusika: Jon Bon Jovi - Little City

I'm drifting off. Too much rock tv-show "Rockstar INXS". Too much M.Hutchence.

Too much gameing @ Vampire Kingdom. Too much no lifeing.

Too much being alone. Too much living in my own head.

Too much "i want to drink myself up" - feeling.

Too much not thinking "Whats next.."

Too much..

... yeah. Whats next?.

★

Too much rocknroll. Addiction. Can not be without it anymore.

★