Aloha.

♥

Damn this pain in my stomach. I can't even walk normally. Arrrgghh.
Now I'm drinking marigold tea.
Walking around, my Capricorn cup everywhere where I dare to go.
Rawr.

Music: Marmaduke Duke & MGMT

I downloaded Public Image Ltd discography with utorrent.
Yesterday I spent some time with their videos from youtube.com.
I am downloading, or should I say the utorrent is...
... Criminal Minds first season. Yumm. I can't wait.
Allthough I have seen A LOT from them,
I still can't have enough.
*drool*

It is like with Dexter.
My mother thinks, that these series are too wierd.
And psycho.
But I do like "too wierd ...and psycho".
I can't help it.
Allthough I have never watched the first two seasons
twice.
I should watch the third as well.
But I have no clue, why I haven't got to that, yet.
Oh, oh, oh...
I think that the man, Michael C. Hall...
...he has like the most amazing eyes I have ever seen..
layed all over the damn television or lappy screen.
Geesh.
And the begginning of the series is THE BEST I have yet seen in my short life.

But, but, but...
On saturday I go and have fun.
No drinking ofcourse.
Just a juice or tea.
Or water - my dearest secret addiction.
I have ruined my dear stomach with alcohol and painkillers.
All together.
And actually... I dont even wanna drink.

Haven't seen those people for so long. Not all of them together at least.
And everytime there is another reunion. I am busy or somewhere else.
Or working. Or living far away.
Or just being an ass.
And this time I seriously want to go.
I wanna speak my mind open.
And, and, and...
I wanna hear them to talk about their first, one or two year old child.
I wanna hear what they have to say about passing life.
I wanna hear them laugh and talk like an grownups.
Will we all eventually be something like grownups?.
I know... the truth... about myself, though.
I am and allways will stay a little bit child in my heart.
It is actually kind of fenomenal.
That...
When you are a child, you want to be grown up.
Or.
Never leave the state of mind, being a child.
And.
When you are all big and are dealing the issues of life.
You end up thinking
Why I had to grow up?.

9th grade class reunion.

Well.
I would say that I am kind of big ropleplayer.
Not as sex games, though.
Don't be stupid, child.
But as in Vampirefreaks.com different RPG cults.
The first cult I joined over than three months ago was
Vampire Kingdom.
And it became my home.
But this home, like the rest of mine...
...crumbled into ashes.
It never changed.
It stood the same.
'Cause of the stubborn owner and Empress.
(A Russian girl, btw).
Lemme say one thing:
she is a bitch!.
And I HAVE the rights to say that out loud.
'Cause I am living on a free country.

And I left it.
Only two other members know about this.
I dont care about others.
I have to think of MYSELF at first.
Not letting them step on my head again. And again. And again.
Fuck you!.
Seriously!.

I have many other cults too.
Vampire Monarchy III
Lamia Ordinatio
Vampyre Sect
The Gathering Court
and some else.
Also my dear baby Coma.
My own RPG cult that is sleeping now
and waiting me to return to it.
Well.
I will.
Eventually.

♥

MHK.
Kisses with thorns.
xxx
♥

PS. I saw the most akward dream today of all. Bahh. As I had a boyfriend, japanese guy, pretty one. Some band member. And he left me, cause I gave him too much freedom. He was wearing white shirt and black pants. And he was a little bit stoopid and childish. Oh c'mon you cant fill a plastic cup with hot hot water!?. And one Kill Hannah song haunted me. "Kennedy". The chorus part. Over and over again. It drove me nuts. And then I was in Viljandi Cultural Academy. And so on... WTF?.

Elumängud

Muusika: Kill Hannah

Jäin lõpuks peale seitset magama ja ärkasin circa kümme mintsa tagasi.

Mõned mu haavaõmblused on taas lahti rebenenud.

Minu jaoks on õudne see, et ma ei oska oma siseasjadest enam kirjutada. Olen umbes, kaks kuud olnud lukus. Joonistada ega maalida ka ei taha. Üldse ei taha. Ei taha...

Ja asi ei ole emotsemises (oh, kuidas ma ei kannata üleüldist leibeldamist), asi on enesega läbisaamises ja iseenese tundma õppimises. Muud midagi. Iseendaga ära leppimises, sest seda on minul hetkel kõige rohkem vaja.

See, kui inimesel on raske aeg ja ta üritab kuidagigi toime tulla, seltsiks vaid internet, muusika ja kiskjaliste poolt lõhki rebitud hing, siis see ei tähenda, et oled kohe emo. Baah. Ei ole.

Mida iganes.

Saage enne iseenestest aru ja siis tulge minu konte närima.

Ausalt ka.
Mida iganes.


★


Muidugi olen tänulik ka nende inimeste eest, kes toeks on olnud ja lihtsalt... on olemas olnud.
Marju. Liisa - sa lihtsalt võtad kratist kinni ja vead mu õue, see on hea. Liina - minu väike sinine sisse-välja-sisse-välja-aga-lapsi-ei-tule-päikeseratas.
Ja ongi kõik?. Oi, Marlén on ka... Jah.
Aga siiski, see ongi kõik, kellega viimasel ajal kõikse tihedamini kontaktis olen olnud?.
Teistel on ju muudki teha, enda haavu lakkuda. Ei ole mõtet rohekmatki küsida ja leppida sellega, mis on antud.
Ja tegelikult, ega nemad ju minu hinge nõeluma ei hakka, pean ikka ise endale näppu torkides ja verega määrides asjad korda ajama.



★


Kas kõik on olnud unenägu?. Kus ma tripin?. Kuhu järgmiseks viib mu tee?.

All that I do is running away.
Millal see lõppeb?.

Segadus. Meeletu segadus.

Asjakohane lugu mängib:
Kill Hannah - Believer

It took eight years just to realize,
No one looks when we say goodbye.
Dying just to survive.
It feels like the first time.

All the things that you set aside.
All the friends that you leave behind,
Just so the curtain would rise.
And it feels like the first time.

Take this heart. It's tickin' like a cheap clock.
Oh, I need you to believe in me 'til there's nothing left of us.
Oh, I need you to believe in me.
Oh my God.

We were under the skyline.
Through the sirens and flashing lights.
Told me "it's no use to try anymore.
Does it mean that much to you?"

At that moment when time stops all at once, see the pressure drops.
Way in the back of my teeth I knew,
That we all could make it.

Take this heart. It's tickin' like a time bomb.
And I'm not running anymore!
I'll stand to face it all!
I'll fight for every breath until there's nothing left of us!
Oh, I need you to believe in me.
Oh my God.

And I'm not running anymore!
I'll stand to face it all!
I'll fight for every breath until there's nothing left of us!
Oh, I need you to believe in me.
'til there's nothing left of us.
Oh, I need you to believe!
I need you to believe!






Ehk mul tuleks tõesti peatuda sel meeleheitlikul elukarusellil. Lihtsalt peatuda, hinge tõmmata ja rahulikult edasi liikuda, ah?. Mis arvate?. Et aitab sellest enese lõhki kiskumisest?. Mõelda kasvõi natukene iseendale?. Jah?. Ei?.

I just need to believe in myself... perhaps ever again.


Siiski, veel naeratades,
M.
xxx

Night with Kill Hannah (L) ^^

★

Esiteks, alustasin looga "Lips Like Morphine"



My comment: I wanna have a boy with lips like morhine... and make him mine!. ^^

★

Siis jätkasin teiste mõnnade lugudega. .
Mõni on kurvem, mõni paneb jala tatsuma. *shakes her ass* Jep.



★

See on mu üks esimesi lemmiklugusid, mis ma neilt avastasin.



★

Ja Mat Devine on elunämma. ^^ Siin ta on. Kill Hannah imekaunis vokalist:




& Dan Wiese




& Greg Corner




& Elias Mallin




★

Ja kõik lemmiklood neilt:

★ Crazy Angel
★ Lips Like Morphine
★ Believer
★ Kennedy
★ Love You To Death
★ The Song That Saved My Life
★ Rebel Yell
★ Boys & Girls


So. Take care ja järgmise korrani, krokodillid!.
^^

Mari-Heleen.