was it all for nothing?.

★

she is... now gone from my life
but still breaths in these wounds

even if i would like to talk, tell, scream, whisper
about it.
i am unable to.
i am unable to find the words


★

kuidas saavad inimesed teistele halba teha?.
ma saan aru, kui see minulgi juhtub, aga... ma ei tee seda meelega.

miks leiavad nad sellest naudingut?.

★

Muusika: Katatonia - The Great Cold Distance (album)


MH.
xxx

★

Elumängud

Muusika: Kill Hannah

Jäin lõpuks peale seitset magama ja ärkasin circa kümme mintsa tagasi.

Mõned mu haavaõmblused on taas lahti rebenenud.

Minu jaoks on õudne see, et ma ei oska oma siseasjadest enam kirjutada. Olen umbes, kaks kuud olnud lukus. Joonistada ega maalida ka ei taha. Üldse ei taha. Ei taha...

Ja asi ei ole emotsemises (oh, kuidas ma ei kannata üleüldist leibeldamist), asi on enesega läbisaamises ja iseenese tundma õppimises. Muud midagi. Iseendaga ära leppimises, sest seda on minul hetkel kõige rohkem vaja.

See, kui inimesel on raske aeg ja ta üritab kuidagigi toime tulla, seltsiks vaid internet, muusika ja kiskjaliste poolt lõhki rebitud hing, siis see ei tähenda, et oled kohe emo. Baah. Ei ole.

Mida iganes.

Saage enne iseenestest aru ja siis tulge minu konte närima.

Ausalt ka.
Mida iganes.


★


Muidugi olen tänulik ka nende inimeste eest, kes toeks on olnud ja lihtsalt... on olemas olnud.
Marju. Liisa - sa lihtsalt võtad kratist kinni ja vead mu õue, see on hea. Liina - minu väike sinine sisse-välja-sisse-välja-aga-lapsi-ei-tule-päikeseratas.
Ja ongi kõik?. Oi, Marlén on ka... Jah.
Aga siiski, see ongi kõik, kellega viimasel ajal kõikse tihedamini kontaktis olen olnud?.
Teistel on ju muudki teha, enda haavu lakkuda. Ei ole mõtet rohekmatki küsida ja leppida sellega, mis on antud.
Ja tegelikult, ega nemad ju minu hinge nõeluma ei hakka, pean ikka ise endale näppu torkides ja verega määrides asjad korda ajama.



★


Kas kõik on olnud unenägu?. Kus ma tripin?. Kuhu järgmiseks viib mu tee?.

All that I do is running away.
Millal see lõppeb?.

Segadus. Meeletu segadus.

Asjakohane lugu mängib:
Kill Hannah - Believer

It took eight years just to realize,
No one looks when we say goodbye.
Dying just to survive.
It feels like the first time.

All the things that you set aside.
All the friends that you leave behind,
Just so the curtain would rise.
And it feels like the first time.

Take this heart. It's tickin' like a cheap clock.
Oh, I need you to believe in me 'til there's nothing left of us.
Oh, I need you to believe in me.
Oh my God.

We were under the skyline.
Through the sirens and flashing lights.
Told me "it's no use to try anymore.
Does it mean that much to you?"

At that moment when time stops all at once, see the pressure drops.
Way in the back of my teeth I knew,
That we all could make it.

Take this heart. It's tickin' like a time bomb.
And I'm not running anymore!
I'll stand to face it all!
I'll fight for every breath until there's nothing left of us!
Oh, I need you to believe in me.
Oh my God.

And I'm not running anymore!
I'll stand to face it all!
I'll fight for every breath until there's nothing left of us!
Oh, I need you to believe in me.
'til there's nothing left of us.
Oh, I need you to believe!
I need you to believe!






Ehk mul tuleks tõesti peatuda sel meeleheitlikul elukarusellil. Lihtsalt peatuda, hinge tõmmata ja rahulikult edasi liikuda, ah?. Mis arvate?. Et aitab sellest enese lõhki kiskumisest?. Mõelda kasvõi natukene iseendale?. Jah?. Ei?.

I just need to believe in myself... perhaps ever again.


Siiski, veel naeratades,
M.
xxx

Üks jõhker inglisekeelne luuletus teile. Ma ei ole eriti vormis olnud viimased paar päeva.

.. I am insensible and hurt.
I am back where I used to belong.
I know I have some drugs to take,
but I cant make myself and become the zombie again.
I want to think.
I want to move.
I want to feel...

... but right now I am feeling too much.
Everything turns and flushes me over with dirt.
My soul is in fire, burning in rage and fear,
that I wont find from life what I truly desire.

It feels like I am floating inside myself and my body is a cell, a cage.
It feels like I am screaming, but with no voice.
There is no one to hear it.
No one to see my suffer, my delusions, my dilemma.

I have wounded mind.
I am one of the Shadow Soldiers.
Her music, words, voice, message is only
what can offer a shield on these moments.
Who knows about whom I am talking,
ten points and a broken bones to them.
Good appetite.
But who dosent, then I'll get a barbed wire around your throat
and slice some pieces from you.

... see? I am in rage and anger.
I want to hurt someone so bad,
that it makes me insane.
And it swirls inside me.
Rushes along my body,
with blood
and disease of mankind.

Confusion.
Bad adrenaline rush.
Numbness.
Suffocation.
Invisible.
Perfectly flawed.

I can not be perfect for everyone.
I can not be happy all the fucking time.
I can not give you what you want.
I am not just a machine in this society.

I am individual.

I am better.

I am ME!.

Muusika: OTEP