Every relationship that I have.
Friendship. Or any other.
They all brake and fall in pieces.
There are only few, who have left;
and yet, I do not know, if they will leave me soon too...
My soul is restless,
longing for something that might never happen.
Something that is just an illusion.
Here I am, thinking of quitting VF for good.
But it is not like a full thought and decision.
Just a reflection of pain...
There is no need to say "I'm sorry", cause it dosen't mean a shit to me.
There is no need for hug or feeling pity.
There is no need for any of this human like, emotional bullshit.
It dosen't give me anything.
It dosen't mean anything for me.
Since I don't feel nothing anyhow.
You all, or just most of you, eventually will leave me, will leave my side and go away.
You find me being a bullshit, what I actually am.
Or you just find, that I can't offer you this person, who you simply want to see in me.
You better leave now, and let me breathe with ease.
Not saying that you all are a burden for me.
I am saying that I am burden for all of you!.
Many of you have said, that they wish there were more people like me in the world.
Wrong wish. Don't.
There would just be more good people, who is taken advatage of others, how much they try to keep the guard up. There would be more those people, who are sincere, yes; but who feel more, deeper and therefor go through the hell over and over again. There would be more of those, who wish they were dead and who embrace and admire Death with all of their soul and heart and mind and existence.
Just don't. It won't take you no fucking anywhere.
Yes, I am pushing you all away!. I am pushing you all away, even when some of you all still kindly amuse me. Even, when some of you truly care. I know, one word or statement from me, that is not meant as an insult and you woll flee from me. I am built to hurt. I am built to suffer and you have nothing else to do, than watch my drowning.
I bet many of you even don't read this entry. I bet many of you just slide over with your tiny little bleeding eyes. All you say these good things about me. All you say you "love me", but when I do something, that you dont like, then I am thinking - where you hide this fake I love you thing?. It seems like I am a doll to most of you. Just a puppet, who to pull and push around, and I am stupid enough to let it happen. Yes, you don't know me, and there is only TWO souls in VF, who KNOW me. One more than the other. And here I will drag the line. For now, the devil is the only one, who gets over that border and only, when he comes to claim my life, only when he comes and reaches his hand, so I could leave this phatetic world.
I had a fotosession with my Liisa yesterday. Here are some pics for you to see. They are edited by me, but still. I know these are blurry, but I like them as they are. Blurryness gives them something... this something that the clear ones just can't simply have... the blurryness. xD
When I think of to look someone certain up... I say "shhh" to myself. When I want to.. I say "shh". When I feel like... I say "shh". I say "shh" to a lot of things lately, somehow. I just have the need to feel free of this pain of self agony.
Some qoutes from comic called: "Looking for a Group" (( http://www.lfgcomic.com/page/1 )) Krunch: Cow Pinky: Cale'Anon
Note: These qoutes are written along with the path of my two days and nights filled with stupid decision to drink coffe, take painkillers and stay up overall.
Richard: I'm no physician, but there appears to be a dagger through my chest.
Richard: Is anyone going to apologize for the dagger through my chest thing?.
Richard: A mountain that eats people. /-/ I want one.
Richard: I know I'm not usually the emotional one here. /-/ But I feel it needs to be said. /-/ I love this mountain.
Pinky: Do we enter the camp now and challenge stoll to a duel?. Krunch: No. We sneak in during the middle of the night and you put arrow through his head from a safe distance.
Richard: Life is a bucket.
* Pinky: For Gamlon!. Richard: For Pony!. Pinky: What?. You can't use that as your battle cry. Richard: Why not?. You have one. Pinky: Mine is for nobility, honor and a decased yet no longer forgotten people. Richard: Mine is for ponies. Pinky: That's not- Richard: FOR PONY!.
Richard: The light reflecting off the mast is magnificently engaging. Krunch: Enjoying the view?. Richard: Oh yes.
Pinky: The ground just blinked at me. Richard: As the ever vigilant voice of reason, I feel we should seriously consider dismembering Cale before his crazy infects us all.
Pinky: What now?. Richard: Take a step forward and see if it eats you. Pinky: And what will that tell us?. Richard: That it's hungry.
Richard: Killing means never having to say you're sorry.
Gid: I'm suprised you're not weeping with pride. Richard: Do I have tear ducts?.
The Richard's Pet: Itwasalljoke!.Iloveyou?. Richard: The mistake was making me cute. Gid: Awfully cute.
Richard to Pinky: You've been doing a lot of staring lately. It's creepy.
Richard: I'm adding lord of the dance to my titles.
Krunch to Richard: How many have we killed?. Richard to Krunch: Give me a moment to count ears. Krunch looks him with a wierd emotion. Richard: What?. Were we not keeping ears?.
Krunch's Father: Warlocks. Richard with bear's arms: I'm bearlock now.
Note: Suddenly Richard became Rachel in my mind. Damn coffe and painkillers and backpain in the middle of the night.
Pinky: Explain our noble intentions!. Richard: Will do. Richard: I mean you harm. Pinky: NO harm!. You mean him NO harm!. Richard: That dosen't sound like me.
Note: I would love to marry Richard. He is sooo cute and.... fluffy!. xD
Richard: Objection!. Judge: On what grounds?. Richard: I wish to stab him.
Note: Anyone recognizes something familiar in the next one?. xD
Richard: As usual, the warlock will get things done. I'll take care of things, Cale. /-/ Look to my coming on the first light of the fifth day. /-/ At dawn look to the east. Richard: I'm not going to be there.
Pinky: Dickzilla... Richard: Rawr?.
Pinky: My cloak's on fire. Richard: Once it reacher your eyebrows, that's when hilarity really ensues.
Misionary Priest: Did your pet just try to maul me, Maikos?. Maikos: No your holiness, he's just playing. Misionary Priest: Carry on then. Maikos: Ha ha. He's got my liver.
Rocka Chase Remember, duckies, life is a bucket. x) xxx
Magnificent story and movie!. I love it with every nuclear of my body. Love it!. Love it!. Love it!.
Just finished watching it. And besides... John Travolta's one of the best roles is in that movie. If not the best!. Damn...
*
The Movie is now in the same catecorie with movie Elizabethtown. There is something that takes you down with you, drowns into you and leaves behind a mark. A purest feeling. Yourself.
*
Quotes from the movie:
Lawson Pines: Time was never a friend to Bobby Long. It would conspire against him, allowing him to believe in a generous nature and then rob him blind everytime. We'd lost Lorraine. All of us. But long before she died.
Georgianna: So now what? Lorraine finally kick ya'll out? Bobby Long: No... she never would. Besides, God wouldn't let that happen. Lawson Pines: Really? And why not? Bobby Long: Cause God knows me and I know God.
Lawson Pines: New Orleans is a siren of a city. A place of fables and illusion. A place Lorraine had to escape from and Bobby and I had to escape to. Away from Alabama, away from lives that no longer belong to us.
*
They were constantly playing a game of qoutes.
*
Bobby Long: We cannot tear out a single page of our lives, but we can throw the whole book in the fire. Lawson Pines: George Sand. Bobby Long: Now I thought that would be a hard one.
Pursy Will: Why'd ya'll leave that school? Lawson Pines: It's complicated. So many reasons. Pursy Will: Tell me one. Lawson Pines: A lot happened really fast. And New Orleans, all this, seemed romantic at the time. Pursy Will: Is it? Is it romantic? Lawson Pines: It has its moments.
Bobby Long: Now just exactly who is Plato and who is Socrates in this equation? Cause fuck, I'll just stay out. Lawson Pines: You are Socrates, of course. You are the teacher. Bobby Long: Goddamn right I am. Pursy Will: I wish you'd all just shut up. Cause if it's gonna be like this, I ain't learning nothing. Bobby Long: Girl, your English is fucking atrocious!
Bobby Long: Someone should have told those Creole people we got something called winter in Louisiana Pursy Will: Well, y'all might've improved on their oversight with this cool new invention called HEAT. Bobby Long: Pursy, where'd you put the vodka? Pursy Will: You told me to hide it. Bobby Long: I did. But where did you hide it? Pursy Will: I'm not supposed to tell you, remember? Bobby Long: Goddamn, you don't do anything else I tell you to do. Now where is it? Pursy Will: Lawson! Bobby's trying to get me to tell him where the vodka is again. [Lawson enters] Lawson Pines: Pursy, it is Christmas. Pursy Will: Oh whatever. It's under the back stairs.
Bobby Long: Lawson is not in love with you. Georgianna: Bobby, I don't think thats any of your damn business. Bobby Long: I've seen him with a woman that he can't get enough of. A woman that's crawled into every molecule of his being. That consumed his every thought and turned him into a creature of devotion and obsession. I have the scars of that love on my face, have ya told her about that? Have you told her about the difference between true love and a warm bed to pass the time away? Lawson Pines: Oh cool it man. Don't go after her, I never said I was going anywhere. Bobby Long: I only speak the truth. The woman deserves to know the truth. And you, you're free to do as you please. Lawson Pines: Am I, really? Finally free huh? Bobby Long: I wanna say something on this occasion where I celebrate my love and frienships with one another. Friend, my enemy, I call you out. You, you, you there with a bad thorn in your side. You there, my friend, with a winning air. Who pawned the lie on me when he looked brassly at my shyest secret. With my whole heart under your hammer. That though I loved him for his faults as much as for his good. My friend were an enemy upon stilts with his head in a cunning cloud. Lawson Pines: Bravo, man. Now why dont you come out and fucking say what you really mean. Does every word out of your mouth have to be in character? Or is that the idea? Just to be anyone but who you really are. You want to tell me that your disappointed in me? Cause maybe im disappointed in you. You know I never asked to write your damn book. Your redemption and my penance, right? Havent I paid? Nine fucking years. I'm sorry. I am sorry all right. I am so fucking sorry. Bobby Long: It's Dylan Thomas. That's an easy one.
Lawson Pines: Some people reach a place in time where they've gone as far as they can. A place where wives and jobs collide with desire. That which is unknowable and those who remain out of sight. See what it is invisible and you will see what to write. That's how Bobby used to put it. It was the invisible people he wanted to live with. The ones that we walk past everday, the ones we sometimes become. The ones in books who live only in someones mind's eye. He was a man who was destined to go through life and not around it. A man who was sure the shortest path to Heaven was straight through Hell. But the truth of his handicap lay only in a mind both exalted and crippled by too many stories and the path he chose to become one. Bobby Long's tragic flaw was his romance with all that he saw. And I guess if people want to believe in some form of justice, then Bobby Long got his for a song.
Pursy Will: Everyone knows that books are better than life! That's why they're books!
Bobby Long: Well, years ago he trusted my opinion. Lawson Pines: Years ago you were easier to trust.
Epitaph on Bobby Long's gravestone at the end of the movie: And were an epitaph to be my story I'd have a short one ready for my own. I would have written of me on my stone: I had a lover's quarrel with the world. - Robert Frost
*
The movie is very comforting, specially for me, as it helps me to forget my troublesome faith and heart; as it gives something invisible, something secretly: as it shares the hope and fake love; as it just is, leaving and giving and takeing and makeing the movie you and you as the movie. Beautiful!.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
...never I can truly tell, what I feel. It won't take me nowhere. 'Cause I am still drowning, and it won't stop. Just cause I don't want it to stop. Enjoying every bit of it. They say, reaching the bottom will hurt. They say many other things. I say, let it hurt. I say a lot more things, just 'cause I know myself more than these They and Them. These feelings will tear me apart. Let them. Let them have everything from me. Let them. I will let them take every bit and piece of me. Three more years. Three more years. And there won't be no one to stop me!. Never!.
...and still I know. Or don't know. What will happen with me. But three more years. And I will finish my last masterpiece. You all wait and see. Wait. And. See.
Eating my first brakefeast. Eating my second brakefeast after few minutes. Watching trailers of potential and digestable incredible movies. The sound of Clint Mansell, moves my body electroimpulses on another trajectory.
Unremarkabley I lose my weight how to live in society. My own worlds in my own mind is so much more fun. Though the word "fun" is just a low subject over these matters that hide themselves under the dead flies. Pour the blood and pour the acid. The mind of brilliance and murder. I could write it. I could write it all in one big and fat book with urinary-yellow pages and ratblood ink.
The masterpiece of the butcher. White plane corpse inbetween these green fields of fake freedom. The electricity, the machinery takes it all away, cageing, chaining. Lesser real work with hands and brain. Lesser joy and passion. The orb of happiness has been painted into the Alice In Wanderland rabit-hole.
*
They sit beside the lake of cemetary. Smoking ciggaret by ciggaret. Menthol, without menthol. Pure nicotine heaven. Deepest drag, a push of words. - He tried. He tried his best. But he was afraid. - By overdoseing and failing. - It was brilliant movie. - They were, by the refusement. - Perfect ending for such a movie. - Ending of the Magnus.
*
Wish I had number 30. For ciggarettes. Wish I had bigger number than 3. For life. The mountains of clothes. Small acidflies. Some random cookies. Coctail, made for comfort. Worse than the mother.
*
If there were anyone, anything that could see through my eyes and hear through my ears. In my eyes is the cities of cameras. Everything I see, is filmed by apocalyptic scenes and race of mankind. The impulses of brain give me the talent. The hormones of my own brain give me the hallucinations of reality.
*
The concept of Death is my sanctuary. The secret love. The secret passion. It isnt about blood, or decaying body. It isnt about life or 3 gramms of soul. It isnt about hope or losing one. It isnt about everything and anything.
It is about the beauty. The simplicity. The purity. The It.
Music: 10 Years - Actions & Motives Book: Dan Simmons "Hyperion" ((I know, I know.))
No one is no one. No one is me. No one is you. No one is us and there aint no us.
*
To get to know me... it is rather fucking pumpy ride. Worse than those American Mountains shit, ya know.
*
We went to Pärnu with Liisa (the great gal, one of my two bests). In the middle of the ride, in the car was silence. Only some stupid disco music was doing its best on the bg. On the right side of the field. Green field with sweet little shitting cows. I smashed my elbow, gently, into Liisa's ribbs and growled: "Look. Mmmmeat." The man, who took us from beside the "super highway", looked at me... ...pretty wierd. But hey. You can't live, if you can't make ur life interesting enough.
*
I miss one book. Palanhiuk "Diary". It still haunts me. And I can't get away those pictures of burning building. And those statues in the forest. And the young girl. And the creepy hollow family. I want back into that world!.
*
And I still need to finish my dear Dan Simmons "Hyperion". Geeesh. I am so lazy lately. And yet. It is the best reading, on the holy ceremony - shitting. xD No, seriously.
*
Tin - tin - tin - tin - tin. Lets play the Hangman Game. You're the man and I am the rope.
*
Randomness.
*
The second evening I came home, my mother was drinking alcohol. Beer this time. Saku On Ice. The large bottle. Last evening, when I went away from home with rage and bullshit. And came back hours later. She had brought a white sour-sweet sticky wine. Blue Nun. It aint... cheap wein. I am starting to worry, okay, I already am worrying. And it is getting worse and worse. And father is not even home. He comes back in Tuesday. Fuck it. Suck it up, girl. But in deep, it burns and wounds. Takes the shovel and digs in deep. I am out of the cotton. And my pins and needles are all rusty. And then she whines that there aint no money. Or when I want to have a drink once in a while. And she is takeing the weakest Xanax. What the hell is she thinking?. Even I have more brain at the moment, than she does. Suck it. Fuck it up, girl.
* Penny = The only one beside me, whom knows my Mind.
* Monkey = A guy with big smile.
* Onee-chan = Almost-like-a-twin-non-biological-sister.
* Little L = A friend from past, from the childhood.
* Sunshine = a young man, who just shines.
* Naks = a guy with the big heart.
* Elizabeth = One of my bestest friends.
* Kai = Non-biological crazy Onii-chan.
* Onyx = My lost&found twin brother. Basically he is me as a male.
