Every relationship that I have.
Friendship. Or any other.
They all brake and fall in pieces.
There are only few, who have left;
and yet, I do not know, if they will leave me soon too...
My soul is restless,
longing for something that might never happen.
Something that is just an illusion.
Here I am, thinking of quitting VF for good.
But it is not like a full thought and decision.
Just a reflection of pain...
There is no need to say "I'm sorry", cause it dosen't mean a shit to me.
There is no need for hug or feeling pity.
There is no need for any of this human like, emotional bullshit.
It dosen't give me anything.
It dosen't mean anything for me.
Since I don't feel nothing anyhow.
You all, or just most of you, eventually will leave me, will leave my side and go away.
You find me being a bullshit, what I actually am.
Or you just find, that I can't offer you this person, who you simply want to see in me.
You better leave now, and let me breathe with ease.
Not saying that you all are a burden for me.
I am saying that I am burden for all of you!.
Many of you have said, that they wish there were more people like me in the world.
Wrong wish. Don't.
There would just be more good people, who is taken advatage of others, how much they try to keep the guard up. There would be more those people, who are sincere, yes; but who feel more, deeper and therefor go through the hell over and over again. There would be more of those, who wish they were dead and who embrace and admire Death with all of their soul and heart and mind and existence.
Just don't. It won't take you no fucking anywhere.
Yes, I am pushing you all away!. I am pushing you all away, even when some of you all still kindly amuse me. Even, when some of you truly care. I know, one word or statement from me, that is not meant as an insult and you woll flee from me. I am built to hurt. I am built to suffer and you have nothing else to do, than watch my drowning.
I bet many of you even don't read this entry. I bet many of you just slide over with your tiny little bleeding eyes. All you say these good things about me. All you say you "love me", but when I do something, that you dont like, then I am thinking - where you hide this fake I love you thing?. It seems like I am a doll to most of you. Just a puppet, who to pull and push around, and I am stupid enough to let it happen. Yes, you don't know me, and there is only TWO souls in VF, who KNOW me. One more than the other. And here I will drag the line. For now, the devil is the only one, who gets over that border and only, when he comes to claim my life, only when he comes and reaches his hand, so I could leave this phatetic world.
I had a fotosession with my Liisa yesterday. Here are some pics for you to see. They are edited by me, but still. I know these are blurry, but I like them as they are. Blurryness gives them something... this something that the clear ones just can't simply have... the blurryness. xD
When I think of to look someone certain up... I say "shhh" to myself. When I want to.. I say "shh". When I feel like... I say "shh". I say "shh" to a lot of things lately, somehow. I just have the need to feel free of this pain of self agony.
Some qoutes from comic called: "Looking for a Group" (( http://www.lfgcomic.com/page/1 )) Krunch: Cow Pinky: Cale'Anon
Note: These qoutes are written along with the path of my two days and nights filled with stupid decision to drink coffe, take painkillers and stay up overall.
Richard: I'm no physician, but there appears to be a dagger through my chest.
Richard: Is anyone going to apologize for the dagger through my chest thing?.
Richard: A mountain that eats people. /-/ I want one.
Richard: I know I'm not usually the emotional one here. /-/ But I feel it needs to be said. /-/ I love this mountain.
Pinky: Do we enter the camp now and challenge stoll to a duel?. Krunch: No. We sneak in during the middle of the night and you put arrow through his head from a safe distance.
Richard: Life is a bucket.
* Pinky: For Gamlon!. Richard: For Pony!. Pinky: What?. You can't use that as your battle cry. Richard: Why not?. You have one. Pinky: Mine is for nobility, honor and a decased yet no longer forgotten people. Richard: Mine is for ponies. Pinky: That's not- Richard: FOR PONY!.
Richard: The light reflecting off the mast is magnificently engaging. Krunch: Enjoying the view?. Richard: Oh yes.
Pinky: The ground just blinked at me. Richard: As the ever vigilant voice of reason, I feel we should seriously consider dismembering Cale before his crazy infects us all.
Pinky: What now?. Richard: Take a step forward and see if it eats you. Pinky: And what will that tell us?. Richard: That it's hungry.
Richard: Killing means never having to say you're sorry.
Gid: I'm suprised you're not weeping with pride. Richard: Do I have tear ducts?.
The Richard's Pet: Itwasalljoke!.Iloveyou?. Richard: The mistake was making me cute. Gid: Awfully cute.
Richard to Pinky: You've been doing a lot of staring lately. It's creepy.
Richard: I'm adding lord of the dance to my titles.
Krunch to Richard: How many have we killed?. Richard to Krunch: Give me a moment to count ears. Krunch looks him with a wierd emotion. Richard: What?. Were we not keeping ears?.
Krunch's Father: Warlocks. Richard with bear's arms: I'm bearlock now.
Note: Suddenly Richard became Rachel in my mind. Damn coffe and painkillers and backpain in the middle of the night.
Pinky: Explain our noble intentions!. Richard: Will do. Richard: I mean you harm. Pinky: NO harm!. You mean him NO harm!. Richard: That dosen't sound like me.
Note: I would love to marry Richard. He is sooo cute and.... fluffy!. xD
Richard: Objection!. Judge: On what grounds?. Richard: I wish to stab him.
Note: Anyone recognizes something familiar in the next one?. xD
Richard: As usual, the warlock will get things done. I'll take care of things, Cale. /-/ Look to my coming on the first light of the fifth day. /-/ At dawn look to the east. Richard: I'm not going to be there.
Pinky: Dickzilla... Richard: Rawr?.
Pinky: My cloak's on fire. Richard: Once it reacher your eyebrows, that's when hilarity really ensues.
Misionary Priest: Did your pet just try to maul me, Maikos?. Maikos: No your holiness, he's just playing. Misionary Priest: Carry on then. Maikos: Ha ha. He's got my liver.
Rocka Chase Remember, duckies, life is a bucket. x) xxx
Magnificent story and movie!. I love it with every nuclear of my body. Love it!. Love it!. Love it!.
Just finished watching it. And besides... John Travolta's one of the best roles is in that movie. If not the best!. Damn...
*
The Movie is now in the same catecorie with movie Elizabethtown. There is something that takes you down with you, drowns into you and leaves behind a mark. A purest feeling. Yourself.
*
Quotes from the movie:
Lawson Pines: Time was never a friend to Bobby Long. It would conspire against him, allowing him to believe in a generous nature and then rob him blind everytime. We'd lost Lorraine. All of us. But long before she died.
Georgianna: So now what? Lorraine finally kick ya'll out? Bobby Long: No... she never would. Besides, God wouldn't let that happen. Lawson Pines: Really? And why not? Bobby Long: Cause God knows me and I know God.
Lawson Pines: New Orleans is a siren of a city. A place of fables and illusion. A place Lorraine had to escape from and Bobby and I had to escape to. Away from Alabama, away from lives that no longer belong to us.
*
They were constantly playing a game of qoutes.
*
Bobby Long: We cannot tear out a single page of our lives, but we can throw the whole book in the fire. Lawson Pines: George Sand. Bobby Long: Now I thought that would be a hard one.
Pursy Will: Why'd ya'll leave that school? Lawson Pines: It's complicated. So many reasons. Pursy Will: Tell me one. Lawson Pines: A lot happened really fast. And New Orleans, all this, seemed romantic at the time. Pursy Will: Is it? Is it romantic? Lawson Pines: It has its moments.
Bobby Long: Now just exactly who is Plato and who is Socrates in this equation? Cause fuck, I'll just stay out. Lawson Pines: You are Socrates, of course. You are the teacher. Bobby Long: Goddamn right I am. Pursy Will: I wish you'd all just shut up. Cause if it's gonna be like this, I ain't learning nothing. Bobby Long: Girl, your English is fucking atrocious!
Bobby Long: Someone should have told those Creole people we got something called winter in Louisiana Pursy Will: Well, y'all might've improved on their oversight with this cool new invention called HEAT. Bobby Long: Pursy, where'd you put the vodka? Pursy Will: You told me to hide it. Bobby Long: I did. But where did you hide it? Pursy Will: I'm not supposed to tell you, remember? Bobby Long: Goddamn, you don't do anything else I tell you to do. Now where is it? Pursy Will: Lawson! Bobby's trying to get me to tell him where the vodka is again. [Lawson enters] Lawson Pines: Pursy, it is Christmas. Pursy Will: Oh whatever. It's under the back stairs.
Bobby Long: Lawson is not in love with you. Georgianna: Bobby, I don't think thats any of your damn business. Bobby Long: I've seen him with a woman that he can't get enough of. A woman that's crawled into every molecule of his being. That consumed his every thought and turned him into a creature of devotion and obsession. I have the scars of that love on my face, have ya told her about that? Have you told her about the difference between true love and a warm bed to pass the time away? Lawson Pines: Oh cool it man. Don't go after her, I never said I was going anywhere. Bobby Long: I only speak the truth. The woman deserves to know the truth. And you, you're free to do as you please. Lawson Pines: Am I, really? Finally free huh? Bobby Long: I wanna say something on this occasion where I celebrate my love and frienships with one another. Friend, my enemy, I call you out. You, you, you there with a bad thorn in your side. You there, my friend, with a winning air. Who pawned the lie on me when he looked brassly at my shyest secret. With my whole heart under your hammer. That though I loved him for his faults as much as for his good. My friend were an enemy upon stilts with his head in a cunning cloud. Lawson Pines: Bravo, man. Now why dont you come out and fucking say what you really mean. Does every word out of your mouth have to be in character? Or is that the idea? Just to be anyone but who you really are. You want to tell me that your disappointed in me? Cause maybe im disappointed in you. You know I never asked to write your damn book. Your redemption and my penance, right? Havent I paid? Nine fucking years. I'm sorry. I am sorry all right. I am so fucking sorry. Bobby Long: It's Dylan Thomas. That's an easy one.
Lawson Pines: Some people reach a place in time where they've gone as far as they can. A place where wives and jobs collide with desire. That which is unknowable and those who remain out of sight. See what it is invisible and you will see what to write. That's how Bobby used to put it. It was the invisible people he wanted to live with. The ones that we walk past everday, the ones we sometimes become. The ones in books who live only in someones mind's eye. He was a man who was destined to go through life and not around it. A man who was sure the shortest path to Heaven was straight through Hell. But the truth of his handicap lay only in a mind both exalted and crippled by too many stories and the path he chose to become one. Bobby Long's tragic flaw was his romance with all that he saw. And I guess if people want to believe in some form of justice, then Bobby Long got his for a song.
Pursy Will: Everyone knows that books are better than life! That's why they're books!
Bobby Long: Well, years ago he trusted my opinion. Lawson Pines: Years ago you were easier to trust.
Epitaph on Bobby Long's gravestone at the end of the movie: And were an epitaph to be my story I'd have a short one ready for my own. I would have written of me on my stone: I had a lover's quarrel with the world. - Robert Frost
*
The movie is very comforting, specially for me, as it helps me to forget my troublesome faith and heart; as it gives something invisible, something secretly: as it shares the hope and fake love; as it just is, leaving and giving and takeing and makeing the movie you and you as the movie. Beautiful!.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
...never I can truly tell, what I feel. It won't take me nowhere. 'Cause I am still drowning, and it won't stop. Just cause I don't want it to stop. Enjoying every bit of it. They say, reaching the bottom will hurt. They say many other things. I say, let it hurt. I say a lot more things, just 'cause I know myself more than these They and Them. These feelings will tear me apart. Let them. Let them have everything from me. Let them. I will let them take every bit and piece of me. Three more years. Three more years. And there won't be no one to stop me!. Never!.
...and still I know. Or don't know. What will happen with me. But three more years. And I will finish my last masterpiece. You all wait and see. Wait. And. See.
Eating my first brakefeast. Eating my second brakefeast after few minutes. Watching trailers of potential and digestable incredible movies. The sound of Clint Mansell, moves my body electroimpulses on another trajectory.
Unremarkabley I lose my weight how to live in society. My own worlds in my own mind is so much more fun. Though the word "fun" is just a low subject over these matters that hide themselves under the dead flies. Pour the blood and pour the acid. The mind of brilliance and murder. I could write it. I could write it all in one big and fat book with urinary-yellow pages and ratblood ink.
The masterpiece of the butcher. White plane corpse inbetween these green fields of fake freedom. The electricity, the machinery takes it all away, cageing, chaining. Lesser real work with hands and brain. Lesser joy and passion. The orb of happiness has been painted into the Alice In Wanderland rabit-hole.
*
They sit beside the lake of cemetary. Smoking ciggaret by ciggaret. Menthol, without menthol. Pure nicotine heaven. Deepest drag, a push of words. - He tried. He tried his best. But he was afraid. - By overdoseing and failing. - It was brilliant movie. - They were, by the refusement. - Perfect ending for such a movie. - Ending of the Magnus.
*
Wish I had number 30. For ciggarettes. Wish I had bigger number than 3. For life. The mountains of clothes. Small acidflies. Some random cookies. Coctail, made for comfort. Worse than the mother.
*
If there were anyone, anything that could see through my eyes and hear through my ears. In my eyes is the cities of cameras. Everything I see, is filmed by apocalyptic scenes and race of mankind. The impulses of brain give me the talent. The hormones of my own brain give me the hallucinations of reality.
*
The concept of Death is my sanctuary. The secret love. The secret passion. It isnt about blood, or decaying body. It isnt about life or 3 gramms of soul. It isnt about hope or losing one. It isnt about everything and anything.
It is about the beauty. The simplicity. The purity. The It.
Music: 10 Years - Actions & Motives Book: Dan Simmons "Hyperion" ((I know, I know.))
No one is no one. No one is me. No one is you. No one is us and there aint no us.
*
To get to know me... it is rather fucking pumpy ride. Worse than those American Mountains shit, ya know.
*
We went to Pärnu with Liisa (the great gal, one of my two bests). In the middle of the ride, in the car was silence. Only some stupid disco music was doing its best on the bg. On the right side of the field. Green field with sweet little shitting cows. I smashed my elbow, gently, into Liisa's ribbs and growled: "Look. Mmmmeat." The man, who took us from beside the "super highway", looked at me... ...pretty wierd. But hey. You can't live, if you can't make ur life interesting enough.
*
I miss one book. Palanhiuk "Diary". It still haunts me. And I can't get away those pictures of burning building. And those statues in the forest. And the young girl. And the creepy hollow family. I want back into that world!.
*
And I still need to finish my dear Dan Simmons "Hyperion". Geeesh. I am so lazy lately. And yet. It is the best reading, on the holy ceremony - shitting. xD No, seriously.
*
Tin - tin - tin - tin - tin. Lets play the Hangman Game. You're the man and I am the rope.
*
Randomness.
*
The second evening I came home, my mother was drinking alcohol. Beer this time. Saku On Ice. The large bottle. Last evening, when I went away from home with rage and bullshit. And came back hours later. She had brought a white sour-sweet sticky wine. Blue Nun. It aint... cheap wein. I am starting to worry, okay, I already am worrying. And it is getting worse and worse. And father is not even home. He comes back in Tuesday. Fuck it. Suck it up, girl. But in deep, it burns and wounds. Takes the shovel and digs in deep. I am out of the cotton. And my pins and needles are all rusty. And then she whines that there aint no money. Or when I want to have a drink once in a while. And she is takeing the weakest Xanax. What the hell is she thinking?. Even I have more brain at the moment, than she does. Suck it. Fuck it up, girl.
Sorry, that I aint in kolledz or university. Sorry, that I dropped out from school. Sorry, that I don't have job. Sorry, that you pay my unpayed bills. Sorry, that I aint perfect daughter, working as a priest, lawyer or a vet. Sorry, that I am constantly tired and drowning my own fake happiness. Sorry, that all I do is smoke and cause trouble. Sorry, that you are tired from long day of work and I am watching some stupid show from TV. Sorry, that I haven't cooked. Sorry, that I take out the laundry, take out the dog, wash your dishes. Sorry, that you aint asking no help. Sorry, that you have the job and I aint. Sorry, that the world economy is smashed and I am just another unemployee. Sorry, that I have no degree in marketing.
So sorry, that you keep steping on my feelings. So sorry, that cause of you I feel so low. So sorry, that you have no idea, why I cut and twist in rage. So sorry, that your words make me turn and wish to drop dead. So sorry, that your tone wants me to run away from home again. So sorry, that I try hard to avoid heroin, LSD and dope. So sorry, that I avoid of how to eat and throw up. So sorry, that I am afraid you end up commiting suicide before I do. So sorry, that you eat Xanax, just cause I have ruined your nervs.
You shouldn't have given me no birth, when all I cause is hurt. You should've killed me, as you have killen me from deep inside. All I ask is respect and hope, but all I get is another crack in my broken cocoon.
[Eminem] There is no escaping, there's no place to hide You scream "someone save me", but they don't pay no mind...goodbye
[1st Verse] Your walking down a horror corridor It's almost 4 in the morning and your in a nightmare its horrible Right there is the coroner, waiting for you to turn the corner so he could corner you Your a goner he's on to you, out the corner of his corner you he just saw you run All you want is to rest cause you can't run anymore your done All he wants is to kill in you front of an audience While everybody is watching in the party applauding it Here I sit while I'm caught up in deep thought again Contemplating my next plot again Swallowing a calotapin while I'm not in and out of ionamin At the Ramada Inn holding on to the pill bottled in Lick my finger and swirl it round the bottom and make sure I got all of it Wake up naked at McDonalds with blood all over me Dead bodies behind the counter shit Guess I must've just blacked out again Not Again
[Chorus] It's 3 Am in the morning put my key in the door Bodies laying all over the floor and I dont remember how they got there but I guess I must've Killed em, Killed em
It's 3 Am in the morning put my key in the door bodies laying all over the floor and i dont remember how they got there but i guess i must've Killed em, Killed em
[2nd Verse] Sitting nude in my living room its almost noon I wonder whats on the tube maybe they'll show some boobs Flipping every channel until I find Hannah Montana Then I reach for the Aloe & Lanolin Bust all over the wall panel and Dismantling every candle on top of the fireplace mantle Grab my flannel and my bandana then Kiss the naked mannequin man again You can see him standing in my front window if you look in I'm just a hooligan who's used to using halucenogens Causing illusions again, brain contusions again Cutting and bruising the skin Razors, scissors and pins Jesus when does it end? Phases that I go through Dazed and I'm so confused Days that I don't know who Gave these molecules to Me what am I gonna do? Pay the prodigal son, The Diabolical one Very methodical when I slaughter them
[Chorus] It's 3 Am in the morning put my key in the door Bodies laying all over the floor and I dont remember how they got there but I guess I must've Killed em, Killed em
It's 3 Am in the morning put my key in the door bodies laying all over the floor and i dont remember how they got there but i guess i must've Killed em, Killed em
[3rd Verse] She puts the lotion in the bucket She puts the lotion on the skin or else it gets the hoes again She puts the lotion in the bucket She puts the lotion on the skin or else it gets the hoes again
I bite and I slash, slice and gash Last night was a blast I can't quite Remember when I had that much fun on the half pint of the jack My last Vic and a half, a flashlight of Kim Kardashians ass I remember the first time I dismembered a family member December I think it was I was having drinks with my cousin I wrapped him in Christmas lights pushed him in the stinking tub Cut him up into pieces and just when I went to drink his blood
I thought I outta drink his bathwater that outta be fun thats when my days of serial murder manslaughter begun
The sight of blood excites me That might be an artery son Your blood curling and screams Just dont seem to bother me none
It's 3 Am and here I come So you should probably run A secret passageway around here Man theres got to be one, or no there's probably none He can scream all that he wants top of his lungs It ain't gonna stop me from choppin him up, up
[Chorus] It's 3 Am in the morning put my key in the door Bodies laying all over the floor and I dont remember how they got there but I guess I must've Killed em, Killed em
It's 3 Am in the morning put my key in the door bodies laying all over the floor and i dont remember how they got there but i guess i must've Killed em, Killed em
First. I didnt recognize him. I heared he was ill. Second. I was shocked over his video. Third. I have always liked and loved his creations. He speaks about things, and not about girls and sex and drugs like other rappers//hip hoppers mostly. Fourth. I fell in love with the video and song.
Okay, I know I tend to put my nose in other peoples business too much lately sometimes, but I am just too curious to know, why poeple act like they act, do what they do and hurt others like they hurt. How they can talk in contradiction?.
But why I keep hurting people through the process of knowing?. Why they feel attacked by my questions and actions?. Will anyone eventually get the truth about me?. I know mostly they don't believe it. And mostly I don't fucking care.
I won't start to yell all over the place, who I am and from where I come from. I won't start to hack off your heads, just trying to help, even when my methods seem to trash you. So sorry, so fucking sorry that I just tried to help YOU, even when you don't fucking get it!.
Yeah, thats it. I am a little perfect woman, who just has a happy and whole family. We have a dog. And no, the parents aint devorced. They are still together and deeply in love. And this year younger brother, with beautiful and kind heart. And we have a big apartment. Yeah. I have perfect life. I have everything that I ever wanted. But. You don't know what is really going on behind this beautifully set shade.
So. Fuck you. If I deeply think and believe that if you have promised yourself to a one person, that you should stick to him/her. That if you meet a new friend and feel attatched mentally... and don't tell to your love, what you truly feel. That how I don't understand people, who sleep with their friend over and over again, deeply knowing that they are a marriage//relationship braker. That how people tell one thing and tell something else. If I could feel something... Id feel sorry and hate for all these actions. Id feel sorry for all the mankind.
Fuck you all. If my helping only hurts. I won't do it anymore. I keep away. And don't come to ask help from me. Any of you. Don't ask from me what I think of your design or whatever. Don't ask from me advice. Don't ask help. Just fuck off.
I love to observate humans. Each and every one of them have so many different shades and Masks. Corners. Square corners. Round corners. Triangular corners.
♠
I discovered my beauty today. Earlier. Before I took a shower. Standing in front of the mirror, naked. Thinking that it's the camera. Yes, I admit, I love to be in front of the camera. Many have adjusted to me to begun with the modeling bullshit, yet they all should know, how fucking picky I am. ^^
♥
I talked with a certain person today and even when he didn't realize, he certanly made my day today, giving back my hope, that most deffenetly I will be alright again. (: I found all pennies, that I had and asked some more from my ma and pa. Went and bought sum ciggs. Lately all I'd do is smoke, smoke, smoke and smoke some more, since I hardly drink alcohol anymore. And there goes sixth. David Bowie's "Rocknroll Suicide" and a good nicotine heaven, what else is there to ask. Merci, merci, merci.
♠
The weather is rather hot, quietly stuffy and hot. I am wearing my fave gray coat again. 4 colorful buttons on each sleeve and white letters on black gloth. It used to be a t-shirt.
It used to be small t-shirt. It used to be black t-shirt. It used to be. Merci, merci, merci.
♥
One thing is missing though. Red wine. Red sweet sweet wine. One two three persons are in a great need. A great company. But nah. I gonna go home.
♠
Note: It was written outside, while I was takeing a break from sitting home, just some time ago.
* Penny = The only one beside me, whom knows my Mind.
* Monkey = A guy with big smile.
* Onee-chan = Almost-like-a-twin-non-biological-sister.
* Little L = A friend from past, from the childhood.
* Sunshine = a young man, who just shines.
* Naks = a guy with the big heart.
* Elizabeth = One of my bestest friends.
* Kai = Non-biological crazy Onii-chan.
* Onyx = My lost&found twin brother. Basically he is me as a male.
