Concept of Conclusions

I don't know how to survive in this slumber.
Medicine has got me in the net.
Want to smoke,
want to smoke the dirt,
but everything is circling me in.

I could feel, hear the heart
throbbing everywhere.
Where are you?.
Behind which corner you hide now?.
Where is it?.
Behind what curtain is the closure?.

Where is it?.

But I know. I do know.
How to survive.

Screams. Squeals.

Screams. Dreams.

Why they pull me out of my dreams?.

Pull me.

Pull me, fingers.

I am the trigger.

Battles

I have been struggling with my own darkness for so long, and I have given up. So many time, I have let it beat me up. Beat me up, until my blood flows. And I never fought back.

This time it is different. I have had help. And it is the end of hurting people, whom care about me. I will change. I will become stronger and I will no longer believe in the darkness. I will root it out from my heart, from my soul.

There is only my voice now.
And it feels good...

Need You...

One person, whom before had no face, is now haunting in my dreams. Most likely he is black skinned young man, and he loves me. I know it. I want him back to my side.

He is the reason, why I haven't commited myself into relationships. I miss him, I love him. He is my twin flame and I have been searching for him, waiting for him. He is the only one, whom can make me whole. He is my second part after all. Without him I am just half, non-functioning energetic system. There are only very few who understand it, sadly. But hey, it is okay. I will be patient and craving, and I know we will meet soon enough. Can't lose the hope, I just can't give up on him nor on my own self as well!.

Wherever you are, a man with such dark skin of honey, come sooner!. I need you. I am in love with you, like I always was past life, and every life before it. Come and find me!. Quick!. Sooner!. Faster!. Please...

* * *

It is raining snow here!. But at least it remains on the ground a little bit longer!. You guys have no idea, how much I love it, adore it, embrace it!. Winter is the only season, where I feel absolutely solid, comfortable and safe. I am able to rest during that time, the pain is relieved by the pureness of the "Death Season". Yet it is never the end. It is always the beginning.

* * *

Few days ago I understood, why I can't find words to write solid stuff in Estonian poems and etc. Because...

... I just don't have a muse. So here I sit, in my mind, all these words driving me crazy. Since I just can't put them out there, in the perfect little lines. I can write only in English, and they are drowning in sadness and gore. These are written out, when I just feel like ripping someone apart. When They are being a nauseus family again.

I need Love to write, I need a Muse to write about it all.

Greetings To All Of My Readers!.

OH!. And I have already over 1000 people read my blog!. I am actually really happy about it!. Thank you everyone for supporting me and keeping an eye over the stuff that I am going through!. (:

And if you are afraid to comment on any posts, don't be!. With your help and thoughts added to mine, we all can improve into a better person!.

Mellow Alone In The Autumn City

My small trip started on the 19th October of 2010, yesterday that is. I was sitting in our typical smallt own's bus station, smoking my cherry tobacco, self rolled strawberry minted cigarette and waited in the breezy suburbia the one ride to take me into the larger city. Bigger streets and buzzer society.

From the blink of the eye, when all these ants where gathering, I saw this one person. 

My first thought was :: "It is Little L!." 

Then after a brake of a second :: "No, it is not Little L."  

And after a little observation, I understood from the way she was walking that indeed, it is her!. Oh what a day!. At least I didn't have to ride all the way alone. At least one familiar face in all of this chaotic swirls that kept going and going not only in my mind with a loud bangs, but also in front of my eyes with silent existence.

After having a hug, the bus came soon!. The road went by like riding in a milky way. Beautifully spoken by the soul, whom spent the Saturday in between people, whom are so dear to her and as well communication without these masks and faćades, she has to wear every single moment in home with Them. My soul and heart was at peace, in harmonious silence and happiness, when we arrived home one or two o'clock after midnight. [After the military time, of course. I still haven't gotten totally used to the PM and AM thing.]

We were mingling in different little shops and explored the beauty of the New Yorker and one accessories shop. Oh these little extacies and joyful surprises, when we found little earrings of Geishas, bunnies, bears, cats and everything other that cought our eyes. Ideas flashing through the mind of the soul, what she could do better and with not such cash, something to make on her own and with her small hands, with not so much money and a lot more original ideas!.

After this our ways departed after she had some business in the Wool and stuff shop in the main marketing street of Pärnu. [Yes, it is all still running around in Estonia. Wait for some more time and you'll find me making entries in other places around the world as well. Hopefully!. ;)] Okay, I remember now that I wanted to mention in the beginning, that I had to meet up with Naks, but he didn't call like he told me that he will. And later it came out, when he did, hours and hours later, that he had stuff to do. Oh my!. Is it really that hard to make a small call or send a message that you can't at the moment?. I had everything planned according to the fact that he will call to me!. It pisses me off and I don't like the fact, that someone is so fucking dumb and can't think about other people's time as well. Yes, I felt insulted and ran over, and I still kind of do, because these words that I want to tell him are climbing up to my flesh walls and screaming to be said out loud//written out in the messenger. I know, I know, that none of us acts after the perfect patterns, but cmon, you still should have common sense!.

So I just waited for him in Café Frens, where I ordered some red tea. You get 3 cups of deliciousness with 20 Estonian Krones!. It is something really not that expensive, and I really love this place!. The atmosphere is swirlingly red, black and few other minimal colors. Smooth jazz echoes back from your own mind, creating breathless moments in your little space, that you have inhabited, when taken a seat in chosen location in this place. Tried to start reading "Dorian Grey Portrait", but failed miserably, since I had so much to observate and think of. So many interesting people coming and going and almost like automatically I started to play a game on my own self, that I am sure many people love to play with themselves or between two-three other people. Think what lives these individuals live, what they like and what is happening in their lives at this moment. And you never know how much you hit the right mark, and this is what makes it all mysterious and enjoyable in your own life. Not knowing how much you read them like books. This is what makes it all one beautiful journey of every being that plays a role in your little games of your mind.

* * *

I guess the way I look is eye-catching, even when I don't wear anything particular and I am mingling in my homerooms. Never actually totally cared about the "latest trends", but it does not mean that I don't keep an eye on the Fashion World. The thing is that I don't actually like, and never have, to limit myself. There is constant experimenting, as well just constant "trying-new-things". I take everything that I see that I can add to my collection of Vintage and Retro pieces, and other things, so my own style is even more ME. For long time people wondered how this can be, that I take absolutely idiotic pieces together, put them on and I just wear them out. Simple like that. No problem. Latley, I have started to value that and it helps to grow my still unstable self-esteem. I have naturally curly hair!. I totally loathed them, when I was younger, but people are jealous of it, and damn, I value that as well now and am furious, when they don't hold like I want them to!. x3

Little L. once told me that I remind of Carrie Bradshaw from Sex & the City TV Series. It surprised me. Then she explained that our hair and sense of style is so similar. This made me blush and think over it, that I never actually took anything from her literally. It was more like, aknowleding something that is so natural for my own self and it gave me inspiration, that it is totally okay to dress like that!. That there is nothing to be worried over!. Her character is like a Mentor in a way!.

* * *

Lately I fell in love with Alexander Wang's creations, when I had nothing to watch from the TV several-many days ago at home during another illuminative night howl. It is something that took me, well... breatheless is too little to say. Something to my taste, like totally!.

The man has born on May 17, 1984. And it gives me more gourage to go for it totally. To get rid of my shyness that I have, to press myself through more with my own style of art!. Take the control in my own hands!. Another person, whom inspires me more than I can knowledge at this moment.

His minimalistic and simple designs are something that I would wear so damn proudly, for sure!. And at the same time they are so bold and raw, yet maintain this mysterious elegance that pulls me like a magnet.

His spring collection is so white!. Mixed with tints of rusty golden and brown. And still it all reminds me of Japan or Asian culture, that I adore, deeply hidden in my heart. The edges of the jackets, the free falling-flowing of the materials. Long sleeves of the pullovers just call you to wear them, to embrace the feeling of the sensation, when it touches against your skin. And then there comes blue!. This light seagreen-blue. Baggy kind of pants [I have forgotten the right name, for dammit!.]. Silver!. Shady spots of color that is chosen by the careful, genius eye!. Long pant-costumes. Want!. Want!. Want!. It is like an addiction, and dear Gods, I wish I had money. Just to buy something that is so valuable and not many people understand the value of another artist's work.

Bags!.
Intelligent designs, that is must-be-to-have, yet they keep Wang's usual simple tone to it. Simple, and yet intelligent.

Wang's Tees and Hoodies are... so "mellow". This is the only word to take out of my tired mind at the moment, and it is not meant by the bad way, but by the bestest meaning possible. His work is something for everyday comfortable wearing, and also certainly for those, who have some courage to wear them out.

His homepage. Go and seek my new favourate!.
<333
Alexander Wang

* * *

Okay, so much about this. A good friend of mine worked on my nails, by cutting in!. xD But hey, it happens, she is still learning this stuff. I was lazying around her work place today few hours too, then ran to my appointment like a flash of angry and pusling ball, since the cars were everywhere and their speed and poolsplashings got on my nerves rather quickly. Got my stuff done, and soon my other friend was with me!. We roamed around the shops and boutiques, buying stuff with our eyes. Finally finished in the cafeteria, and meeting my other friend, whom studies in Finland. It was so good to see her too!. I miss my little Marie!. <333

So now I am all home and evereything is so tired in me, but I can't go yet. I need my damn dose of music!. x3

the Soul

xoxo

Substitute People :: One of Them - Me

Today I felt like talking about this matter[s] of substitute persons and people alike.

I have always felt that I am one, and when I watched the movie called "Elizabethtown" I found out the writer had written down, and said out loud by the characters, something that I have always thought of, but never said out loud.

Here are qoutes and little thoughts throughout the internet that I have found so far.
I have provided the link as well, since I am not the original artist.


Introduction

From Little Nuances blog ::

On one night in the movie, as two main characters [Claire and Drew] are walking through Elizabethtown, she turns to him and says: "You and I have a special talent. And I saw it immediately. We're the substitute people. I've been the substitute person my whole life. I'm not an Ellen. I never wanted to be Ellen. And I'm not Cindy either. Although Chuck's love me. I like being alone too much. I mean, I'm with a guy, who is married to his academic career. I rarely see him and I'm the substitute person there. I like it that way. It's a lot less pressure."

Who hasn't felt like a substitute person at some point? While being a substitute person does mean that you had to be close enough to the real thing to earn the title of substitute, it also means that you weren't quite good enough, or funny enough, or smart enough, or good-looking enough. And the worst thing about it is—you know it, but since being a substitute person is better than not being in the game, you accept the position.

But when two people, like Drew and Claire are drawn together, neither has the look or feel of a substitute to one another. Instead, each person becomes the new standard for originality. But originality often leads to an internal struggle between grasping it while one still can and freedom—without which, originals quickly move into the past tense.

Obviously, a lot of people can relate to Claire's character. I really don't believe Claire when she implies that she likes being a substitute person. She tries to convince Drew, and I'm sure herself, that she likes not feeling needed or in demand all the time during a relationship.

But if that were really true, she wouldn't have spent the entire night on the phone with Drew. She wouldn't have switched her work schedule so she could be with him as he dealt with his father's death. She wouldn't have shared her dreams, and fears, and insecurities with him. She wouldn't have told him that their first kiss was more intimate than most of the sex she'd had in her life. She wouldn't have made him the travel kit. And she wouldn't have been willing to let him go—hoping that he'd choose to be with her at the end of his journey.

Nobody wants to be a substitute person. We just claim that the position is acceptable because we're afraid that nobody will ever consider us an original. But along with way, most will consider us substitute people and that's not a knock against them or us. They have an original in mind and for whatever reason—justified or not, we don't live up to it.

The problem comes when we embrace substitute person status, like Claire did, because embracing it means that we'll never get to see wonder in the other person's eyes as we tell him or her about our theories, our beliefs, our hopes, and our dreams. It means we'll never get that all-knowing, all-understanding hand-squeeze, or look from the person we love that says, "I know exactly what you are thinking or feeling and I want you to know that it means just as much to me as it does to you.

No matter how much we try to convince ourselves that being a substitute person is better than not being in the game, the seeming cruel and mocking indifference we receive from someone who doesn't consider us an original slowly crushes our will to live a vibrant life. I'd much rather be out living the life I choose right now because it allows me to save my experiences in an emotional place where one day I hope to invite a person who considers me to be her original.


Deeper Views

So much for the Introduction part. Let's move on, shall we?.

"If you watch movies long enough, eventually you'll see your life up on the screen." 

~ Roger Ebert, in reviewing the movie Angus.

From the Joe Guse ::
This exchange from the movie Elizabethtown truly hit me like a ton of Bricks. This was it. This captured a feeling I’ve had my whole life. I was a substitute person. A second choice. Someone people “settled” for.

How did this happen? In many ways I’ve lived a spectacular life. I’ve been a comedian on some of the most popular stages in the world, I’ve written books, had wonderful adventures, gotten degrees, and been, generally speaking an outgoing, kind, generous, and compassionate person.

And yet……… I’ve always felt second best. Always been the guy in the bar walking out with the cleaning crew. The shoulder to cry on, the “friend”, the third wheel, the seat filler, the loner, the single, the guy by himself at the dinner table.

How does one become a substitute person? Is a substitute person made or are we born? We’re second best because we’ve slowly grown into these roles and now it’s what we think we must deserve. As with many types of pervasive personality patterns, this likely starts in childhood.

From the Facebook Group ::

What is a substitute person? They are people that go through life, being there at events or gatherings or are always there for someone, even if they never get noticed, or talked too. This includes friendships, dating relationships, or engagements sometimes. People can even call you friends but in the end, they don't really know you, just cause they don't take the time "to" know you. But for us, most of the time, that is alright. Cause were there if they need us.

What I Felt...
...going through all this?.

When I read many people talking about how they are as the same as I am, then it cut through me like I was a simple butter. This is no easy life for us, the Substitute People, but we survive, somehow.

It did start for me in the childhood. When my a year younger biological brother was born. He was ill, very ill, but I felt like pushed aside. I still do and there is nothing I can change about it. I can't make people think or feel in different way that they really are. It is not fair, and I have never pushed them to do what they really feel like shouldn't. They make their own decisions, as I make my own. And if someone takes it away, it is actually unwritten law, a real criminal act, barriering someone's freedom of choice.

Even though I am the older child, I still get the "left overs" from my brother, since he gets everything first. The first red bike. The first cd-player. The first mp3-player. The first choice. The first... and I just get what is left of it. Of course this is what the life brings us, we just need to swallow and move on.

"They are the sidekicks, the loyal friends, the fans, and the men and women behind the scenes." 

~ Joe Guse

And some people just fantasize being one. Yes, do that, but you never know what it really means to actually be one, be one to the end of your deepest core.

Ignorance

There is a room, where the light bulb has gotten dirty.
The light shines with murky illumination, distracting flies
from their landing trajectory. This way they never
can burn themselves. They never lose their ignorance.

Bleak trees lick the windless desert, behind these
high windows, that angry voice of obedience has
shattered every square of glass. The everlasting
storm finally have stopped. Stopped screaming.

The hallow silence remains inside. Is there ever end
to this malady that grows on the walls?. Spreading its
black roots, digging deeper in the living,
that only I can water from this delicious starvation.

Where is this bed with this ever sleeping corpse?.
Where is this bed where lays a woman, grief dripping
out from that cracked skin?. Drop by drop, the blanket
of blood is being poured out. To the floor. To the floor,
covered with scribbled words from echoes.

Soundless, endless fall. 

The ever lasting storm has finally stopped 

just so it all could start from the beginning once again...

Thorns & More Poison

Seems that there is no chance to trust anyone truly, nor to open up to someone. And I am in the middle of two sides of mine self. To tell him that he betrayed my trust, or just... not. Though there is third choice as well. To make him tell me, that he... hurt me by just telling what I asked him not to.

I don't call them my friends like this. This is not... right, by in many means. If someone has asked me to keep something, and I am confronted like he was. I prefer to die, than brake that promise made. I can't. I just can't tell. It is against the code that I am living. The code of honor and pride. The code of a knight, a warrior.

People tend not to know the true meaning of a promise, it seems. I just... don't understand them. I just want to disappear. Go away from the society. Stay away from it as much as possible, but I know... that I am not ready for that just yet.

I still haven't cried, for about seven days. I feel it... how it all... gathers inside of me. The silent screams are mixed with those tears of darkness and pain. But I know, that crying makes it all better, easier, lighter... but I can't... just somehow I am not able to lately.

There has been only one tear. One cold tear on my warm human skin. I don't know if anyone ever sees this in me... I don't want others to worry about me. I don't want to burden them, and yet... they protect me. Care for me. I... I don't understand why?.

Most of the times, animes help. They really help, but when there is something familiar to my own self, it is harder and I feel something, I hear something, crashing inside of me. Inside the depth, where no one else can see but me.

Yet there are people, who feel the same that I do. The screaming. The... feeling that you can't name by any name and in no language. I take a deep breathe and try to move on, worrying myself sick over one of my closest friends.

I don't know where I stand at this moment, there is too much going on, and still nothing...

For Joinging A dA Group

Message:
Rarely am I using the computers to pump up my art, every detail, every line is made by hand. My pen, my ink, my colors and my brushes are my tools. I breathe as traditional artist, and this is what keeps me alive!.

* * *

Penny today about my later art ::

 "the art is perfect, the colors are very well chosen and when you look you can't say if thats paper or created on a computer program"

How To Destroy Angels

Fantastic!.

Trent & Mariqueen Reznor!.

Thank you, Penny!. 
<33  

Monroe Fish & The Lady

 The Monroe Fish 

Ink- and gelpens.

*From here everything starts. 

The Monroe Fish 

*The Finished One 

Postcard Size

Color pencils, and so forth.

For Sale. 

The Lady Blue Pumpkin 

* From here it starts...