Fantastic!.
Trent & Mariqueen Reznor!.
Thank you, Penny!.
<33
Thank you, Penny!.
<33
14 years ago
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Monroe Fish & The Lady
The Monroe Fish
Ink- and gelpens.
*From here everything starts.
The Monroe Fish
*The Finished One
Postcard Size
Color pencils, and so forth.
For Sale.
The Lady Blue Pumpkin
* From here it starts...
Monday, October 4, 2010
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Familiar Taste of Poison
Every day I wake up with sore body. There are thousand acid needles throbbing in my head. The pain is constant and never leaves me behind. It is like living hell...
... and lately it has been hard. Emotionally. These drowning and down periods//moments come and go as they please. Mostly they are available, when I stumble over my own rotting spots.
Yesterday I spoke with Kai, and he finally asked from me :: "You have something on your heart too, Sister?. Yes?."
I asked back, surprised that he noticed anything at all :: "How did you figure?."
He explained :: "I have felt it for some time now. I just wasn't sure to ask. I thought it would be unpolite."
[Though, I can't recall the exact wording, but it is the meaning that matters, right?. Right.]
And then we talked, some time... and it still isn't easier for me... the burden is not lighter. I keep wandering, how I can make it better... but the answers keep running away from me, leaving me on the shore of the sea of death.
Often, when I need to go outside and meet someone, hang out and have a good time, and during that time there is something going on, or that I am just gone with my own self, then I pull up this beautiful and happy and joyful facade, a mask that never lets anything through, and no one understands, no one sees that something is awfully wrong. There are very few people, who can dial it up, when they see me. They detect the pain from my eyes, even though these are one part that I can't control. Then I avoid looking into theirs. And one or two from these few feel it in my voice. It has no understanding in my mind. I try, I try my fucking best to hide it. But I guess the most precious, the bestest people around me, whom have known me quite a time, just know... well enough, when something is off. I just would like to shut that part off too, so they wouldn't feel burdened, maybe. I don't really... I just.... blah.
And I have this going with me, when I am down, then I just don't let anyone, and I mean anyone, touch me nor hug me. I just don't want them to see that I can be weak too. I just can't let them. Because there is no room for pity nor any other similar emotion nor act. If you don't understand, then fuck off. Seriously. If you don't have any advice, then you can fuck off even harder. I don't have time for this drama that some can pull off, if I refuse from their affection. Kai asked me once, a while back, when we talked about this, that what I would do, when he'd hug me suddenly like this. I said simply and with a slight pout that I fight back to get free. No touchy!. But then he kept going, and asked again, what I'd do if he would not let go. After a pause I just said giving up, that I just would calm down a little and let you hug me.
*Sigh.*
There is one thing, one energy, one emotion that I am most afraid of, and yet it is the second thing beside Death that I long for, crave for, desire for. People know it as Love. I am so afraid of it, that I just push every possible seed away, when there is any kind of chance, that someone feels the same about me as I feel about him//her. It pulls my all insides out and leave a shell behind, laying on the ground with no blood, but just soil. Rain dropping down, and yet never giving any water to the drought that I have in this landscape. I push people away, when they get too close to me. And then I run.
I.
Just.
Run.
And when I see couples. In the past I wanted to rip them both apart. Into little pieces. Just because I was jealous. But I learned to live with it, learned to honor the commitmet of relationships, and the jealousy disappeared. I feel happy for them, and yet from time to time, there is this tiny little dagger, making my soul sting alongside with my small sized human heart. The Spring is the most painful time, Summer is okay. I hide myself away from the world, and yet...
I still keep running, no matter what, until there comes wall on my way. Maybe this can stop me, for once.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
For A Person, Whom Is Uknown To Others
I don't know why, but the moment, when you went to sleep, I feel empty. You can make a person to smile instantly and it is good. Maybe I shouldn't say these words, but I feel a need to place them and write them out.
We are allowed to hope, right?. But then why I say myself that it is wrong to feel like that?. Desparately looking for someone, whom just... care for and about me as I care about him//her. It drives me insane, mad and angry that I keep torturing myself. Waiting does not help. Searching does not help. And here I am standing on the crossroad and just lurking in the shadows for fake dreams, that I manage to build up...
...but I can't help what I feel. Am I played with?. Or am I just playing with my own self?. So many questions and no more answers. If there was only a muse for me, maybe I could write again as I did few years ago. I know I can, but there is this big hole inside of me that makes me want to drop down and just...
...give up.
We are allowed to hope, right?. But then why I say myself that it is wrong to feel like that?. Desparately looking for someone, whom just... care for and about me as I care about him//her. It drives me insane, mad and angry that I keep torturing myself. Waiting does not help. Searching does not help. And here I am standing on the crossroad and just lurking in the shadows for fake dreams, that I manage to build up...
...but I can't help what I feel. Am I played with?. Or am I just playing with my own self?. So many questions and no more answers. If there was only a muse for me, maybe I could write again as I did few years ago. I know I can, but there is this big hole inside of me that makes me want to drop down and just...
...give up.
* * *
But thank you, my dear friend, for bringing smile on my lips and blush on my cheeks. Talking to you just makes me feel good. Just like I make you feel good, when you talk to me. Maybe we just have a good connection, who knows. (: I hope that you sleep well, and it has been few hours since I told that I will go to sleep soon. I will... Just... there are things to think about, and... yeah. I will go to sleep soon, and I hope that you have nice dreams and you rest well.
<333
* * *
I just love you all, my friends.
So much!.
M.
Kai is Crazy!.
+ℓуяι¢αℓ+ says:
I will be the one to catch you when you fall.
I will be the one to catch you when you fall.
..:: Gire Gire Docinho ::.. says:
eh?
HAHA
if I am falling, there won't be no one to catch me, I am certain of that!.
+ℓуяι¢αℓ+ says:
Being a pain in the ass, aren't you? heh... <3
..:: Gire Gire Docinho ::.. says:
yes I am xD
* * *
+ℓуяι¢αℓ+ says:
Don't stop baby, Don't stop..
XD
Don't stop baby, Don't stop..
XD
..:: Gire Gire Docinho ::.. says:
hentai you are being again xD
+ℓуяι¢αℓ+ says:
If you wanna "drown," I'll provide you an oxygyn tank, a mask, and a wet suit?
If you wanna "drown," I'll provide you an oxygyn tank, a mask, and a wet suit?
..:: Gire Gire Docinho ::.. says:
stupid Kai! XD
+ℓуяι¢αℓ+ says:
Oh, and a spear gun.... and a light...
And a knife in case.
XD
..:: Gire Gire Docinho ::.. says:
baka xD
She's Psyche!.
Photo :: Me
Model :: Little L.
Manipulation & Edit :: Me
The Lyrics :: Massive Attack :: Psyche
Never is too late to pray...
The day is filled with something
that you quite can't speak of.
Are they shadows from the dreams,
where the highway was nothing
but empty
with one ghostly car
roaming over the desert
that lays on both side of the road?.
Or was it certain someone from the past,
now without any kind of possibility
to claim back his face?.
I do not have answers for you.
Pass on and leave me
all alone
in this sandstorm.
Catching last breathes,
when I drown into the lake of desires.
that you quite can't speak of.
Are they shadows from the dreams,
where the highway was nothing
but empty
with one ghostly car
roaming over the desert
that lays on both side of the road?.
Or was it certain someone from the past,
now without any kind of possibility
to claim back his face?.
I do not have answers for you.
Pass on and leave me
all alone
in this sandstorm.
Catching last breathes,
when I drown into the lake of desires.
Newest Discoveries on the Music Landscapes.
The Be Good Tanyas :: Human Thing
The Be Good Tanyas are an acoustic trio with folk and americana influences, hailing from Vancouver, British Columbia. They play a combination of original and traditional material, and are notable for their lush vocal harmonies.
The group features Frazey Ford (guitar, vocals), Samantha Parton (guitar, mandolin, banjo, vocals) and Trish Klein (electric guitar, banjo, harmony vocals). Jolie Holland is a former member and also a frequent guest.
The group features Frazey Ford (guitar, vocals), Samantha Parton (guitar, mandolin, banjo, vocals) and Trish Klein (electric guitar, banjo, harmony vocals). Jolie Holland is a former member and also a frequent guest.
* * *
Old Crow Medicine :: I Hear Them All
Old Crow Medicine Show is a folk/country group from Nashville, Tennessee. Along with original songs, the band performs many pre-World War II blues and folk songs. The style of music they perform is sometimes called alt-country, but today more often referred to as Americana.
The song Wagon Wheel is written based off a chorus composed by Bob Dylan for the film Pat Garrett and Billy the Kid.
Old Crow Medicine :: I Hear Them All
Old Crow Medicine Show is a folk/country group from Nashville, Tennessee. Along with original songs, the band performs many pre-World War II blues and folk songs. The style of music they perform is sometimes called alt-country, but today more often referred to as Americana.
The song Wagon Wheel is written based off a chorus composed by Bob Dylan for the film Pat Garrett and Billy the Kid.
* * *
Xela :: Afraid of Monsters
* * *
Straight Line Stitch :: Black Veil
Armed with an unstoppable work ethic and a musical vocabulary that stretches from face-ripping metal to soulful, stratospheric rock, Knoxville, TN, quintet STRAIGHT LINE STITCH are poised to grab heavy music by the horns with their Raging Nation/KOCH Records debut, When Skies Wash Ashore. Though just 11 tracks in length, the album packs more dynamics and diversity than many bands’ entire catalogs. Not surprising, then, that the five individuals that make up STRAIGHT LINE STITCH have spent a lifetime honing their craft to reach this point.
Technically speaking, the STRAIGHT LINE STITCH story begins nine years, a handful of lineup changes, and two early releases (a demo EP and album, to be exact) ago. However, to understand the force that is STRAIGHT LINE STITCH today, simply fast-forward to 2003, when vocalist Alexis Brown joined the band. Though without formal training (recent screaming lessons from vocal coach Melissa Cross aside), Brown completed SLS’ sound with a multi-octave, multifaceted approach that could be snarling and guttural one moment, angelic and ethereal the next. Making her recorded debut on SLS’ second full-length, 2006’s self-released To Be Godlike, Brown defied gender and genre alike to emerge as one of the most promising vocalists, period, in modern heavy music.
Despite being followed by a few final lineup shifts, To Be Godlike cemented SLS’ core sound and generated a key partnership between the band and Raging Nation Films’ Dale “Rage” Resteghini.
* * *
Trentemøller :: The Very Last Resort
Anders Trentemøller is a Danish electronic musician from Copenhagen.
* * *
Jesca Hoop :: Money
Jesca Ada Hoop is a American singer-songwriter and guitarist from Northern California, who performs music that covers differing genres. Her musical mentor has been Tom Waits.
One of five children in a fifth generation Mormon couple, Hoop was steeped in a musical environment created by her family. She began performing as a child and starred in her high school choir.
Hoop broke away from the strictures of Mormonism just as her parents were separating. During this time, her mother Janette turned the basement into a theatre, and brought in all sorts of eccentrics to rehearse and put on musical plays for the community.
Jesca started to rebel against the traditions of her family and the only life she had known. “My girlfriend and I started smoking pot, which was such an out there thing for me to do given my upbringing. I was singing with the Santa Rosa Chamber Choir at that time. The combination of singing in that style for hours a day and smoking thrashed my voice…until it was gone. I had to leave the choir, and it took me about a year to regain my vocal strength. I had to re-teach myself how to sing in the ways that worked for me… Cut a new pattern and stitch myself back together. It was a blessing. It is why I sing the way I do. Appropriately, at that time I started listening to Kate Bush, Tom Waits, Björk and Diamanda Galas.”
* * *
VAST :: Pretty When You Cry
VAST stands for Visual Audio Sensory Theater, and is the brainchild of Los Angeles-based singer-songwriter and musician Jon Crosby.
The musical outfit began in rather minimalist fashion when Jon was only sixteen, with the other members of the outfit being a drum machine and a bass player.
Their real rise to fame began when a local radio station granted consistent air-time to their demo tape, after which Crosby sent demo tapes to New York City recording companies, eventually signing with Elektra Records. Thomas Froggatt, Steve Clark, and Rowan Robertson made up the hastily-assembled band along with Crosby.
Technically speaking, the STRAIGHT LINE STITCH story begins nine years, a handful of lineup changes, and two early releases (a demo EP and album, to be exact) ago. However, to understand the force that is STRAIGHT LINE STITCH today, simply fast-forward to 2003, when vocalist Alexis Brown joined the band. Though without formal training (recent screaming lessons from vocal coach Melissa Cross aside), Brown completed SLS’ sound with a multi-octave, multifaceted approach that could be snarling and guttural one moment, angelic and ethereal the next. Making her recorded debut on SLS’ second full-length, 2006’s self-released To Be Godlike, Brown defied gender and genre alike to emerge as one of the most promising vocalists, period, in modern heavy music.
Despite being followed by a few final lineup shifts, To Be Godlike cemented SLS’ core sound and generated a key partnership between the band and Raging Nation Films’ Dale “Rage” Resteghini.
* * *
Trentemøller :: The Very Last Resort
Anders Trentemøller is a Danish electronic musician from Copenhagen.
* * *
Jesca Hoop :: Money
Jesca Ada Hoop is a American singer-songwriter and guitarist from Northern California, who performs music that covers differing genres. Her musical mentor has been Tom Waits.
One of five children in a fifth generation Mormon couple, Hoop was steeped in a musical environment created by her family. She began performing as a child and starred in her high school choir.
Hoop broke away from the strictures of Mormonism just as her parents were separating. During this time, her mother Janette turned the basement into a theatre, and brought in all sorts of eccentrics to rehearse and put on musical plays for the community.
Jesca started to rebel against the traditions of her family and the only life she had known. “My girlfriend and I started smoking pot, which was such an out there thing for me to do given my upbringing. I was singing with the Santa Rosa Chamber Choir at that time. The combination of singing in that style for hours a day and smoking thrashed my voice…until it was gone. I had to leave the choir, and it took me about a year to regain my vocal strength. I had to re-teach myself how to sing in the ways that worked for me… Cut a new pattern and stitch myself back together. It was a blessing. It is why I sing the way I do. Appropriately, at that time I started listening to Kate Bush, Tom Waits, Björk and Diamanda Galas.”
* * *
VAST :: Pretty When You Cry
VAST stands for Visual Audio Sensory Theater, and is the brainchild of Los Angeles-based singer-songwriter and musician Jon Crosby.
The musical outfit began in rather minimalist fashion when Jon was only sixteen, with the other members of the outfit being a drum machine and a bass player.
Their real rise to fame began when a local radio station granted consistent air-time to their demo tape, after which Crosby sent demo tapes to New York City recording companies, eventually signing with Elektra Records. Thomas Froggatt, Steve Clark, and Rowan Robertson made up the hastily-assembled band along with Crosby.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Potion for the Healthy...
Eh. The days go in a daze. The nights go in a darkness, when I take the pill. It is yet always different. There might be fear, or just joy of grotesque, that only I can enjoy since it all is in my mind...
I am awake. Wide awake, yet still shaking like an autumn leaf and feel like floating on the surface. No chance of drowning, I do not have time for this. And yet... "time" is just a concept. But you have to hold a grip onto it, since you still need to survive in this god damn society. With or without sanity. It does not matter.
Not for you at least.
Because you just go with all of the stupid commerces and mass that roams around the most expensive streets, not knowing whom is moving them like bullets or just some chess pieces.
Mmm... bullets. They are something like... occasional obsession.
I am... a bullet.
Striking through the core of the Illusion that you all know as Reality.
28.September.2010
Listening to White Lie's "To Lose My Life 4 Play". It fascinates me more and more with every time, every minute, every second. And they speak about the subject that is so serious to most. Death. But.
Death is something part of everything, and people view it rather... wrongly, if I may say?. Yet we all have our own opinions and whom is to judge that?. No one. No one, since control is in YOUR hands. Others can't make your choices for you, since they are not living your life. No one. Not even your parents, nor husband, nor the one whom you love more than your own life... Life. It makes me laugh and amuses me. Is it alright to pray for the future that might not even come since you just make wrong decisions?. Whom is to... and there are going, my thoughts falling off from their path. Even I get lost into my own mind, and it may become a nightmare or just an amazing adventure.
I am alright. I am. I am.
At least this is what I tell to myself everyday, secretly.
I am alright. I am alright. I am...
Death is something part of everything, and people view it rather... wrongly, if I may say?. Yet we all have our own opinions and whom is to judge that?. No one. No one, since control is in YOUR hands. Others can't make your choices for you, since they are not living your life. No one. Not even your parents, nor husband, nor the one whom you love more than your own life... Life. It makes me laugh and amuses me. Is it alright to pray for the future that might not even come since you just make wrong decisions?. Whom is to... and there are going, my thoughts falling off from their path. Even I get lost into my own mind, and it may become a nightmare or just an amazing adventure.
I am alright. I am. I am.
At least this is what I tell to myself everyday, secretly.
I am alright. I am alright. I am...
