Pretty When You Lie...

Just finished watching the last aired [10th] episode of
"Ore No Imouto Ga Konna Ni Kawaii Wake Ga Nai"
And there was one place, that I rewatched MANY MANY times,
because it was so damn kawaiiiiiiiiii.

I giggled and sang with it like a little girl.
But I couldn't resist it!.

Here!.

Stardust Witch Meruru Cosplay

How can one thing be so
CUUUTTTEEEE.
*just had her first fangirl kawaiiiiiiiiiiii moment.*

Blergh

2010-12-11T13:26:00.001-08:00

Is it too strange, that I want to cry... when I allow myself now.
I so want to, and yet, something still holds me back, and instead of that I write deepened storylines for my characters for Rp and just... *sigh*

Creating worlds has become my only sanctruary again. Writing poems and stories in my own head, since I am just way too restless to actually write them down, though I should. There is this story, that needs to be continued on, an entire world created. A whole system.

I shall not let you know about this here, since you'll never know who comes and steals it. My ideas are way too unique, so I better keep them to myself and for those, who honor it.

Of course, my father knows perfectly how to make my days brighter. He managed to come home and tell me :: "Yes, continue smoking, so you could end up in the hospital as well with the lung cancer like your grandfather did."

GOD!.
Why can't people tell about these things in a better way?. Why he has to be like a total jerk all the time?. Yes, and he screams at me and my brother, when mom is at work. Then she won't protect us, and he can release his nerves and distress on us.

We discussed about this a little with Elizabeth today, when I went out to meet her and couple of more people, and we were left waiting in the middle of the winter, when these other went to the shop to buy some wine.

She told me that pshycical abuse is a lot better than mental abuse. She is right. The mental bruses tend not to heal, yet the flesh wounds heal.

I know... I know that I will get better, when I finally get away from here, move away. Even my health will get better, as the constant abuse [and the parents even don't realize it] is making things stressed, and this transfers over into a pain. This way my damn organism and body suffers all the time, not to mention what my nerves are doing. Blah. Assholes.

I try. I try so hard and my best, but life is not easy. Yes, I have told many times that nothing is complicated, everything is simple. But my dear person, 'easy' and 'simple' are very different aspects of two sides of a coin. Makes any sense?. No?. Then fuck off.

I don't have to spend my time on useless people. Hah!. I used to be kind and easily used, yet now... the change came long time ago. Few years back. Two and something to it, actually. I became a bitch. I speak up. I am who I am, and I am proud to be here. Not in this damn house, but as a person.

Woke up today, with a huge migraine. It was hard to stand up, was possible only to lay down and do practically nothing. It felt good.

It still hasn't left me, though, but I manage. I just have to find something to make it go away.
To watch anime.
RP.
Listen to music.
Sleep.

Just Names

2010-12-11T10:27:00.001-08:00

No, I am not starting to have a baby.
Names generally have a strong power behind them.

The names that I have begun to like.
[And that I use for my RolePlay doll characters.]

Claudette :: little lame one
Charlotte :: man, little and womanly
Constance :: steadfast
Cecile :: blind
Cendrillon :: little ashes
Colette :: victory of the people

Other names that I just adore.

Constantine :: firm, constant
Julien

Gone Gone Gone [Poem]

2010-12-10T06:48:00.000-08:00

The wings you spoiled,
used to be the only enchantment
    in the passing of eon.

"Gone, gone, gone,"
    the dawn weeped.

& then you left her,
went with the last shuttle.

"What is my name,"
the swallow asked,
spreading its soul
    & went with the boy.

"Next Summer, we will meet again!."
echoed your last promise,
uncoiling from her long mane
& turning its cheek towards the tomorrow.

"Gone, gone, gone,"
she whispered, the lips dry.
"The name is Jaqueline,
    & I will be a star in your sky."

Yet in the next year,
she never came,
    but the air was full of her,
full of the girl,
who bowed down to the death.

Inspiration :: Ray Bradbury stories & AM "5 Centimeters Per Second"

Wishlists...

2010-12-10T06:44:00.001-08:00

Usually I haven't made these kind of things, but the times are different.
From time to time, we all have needs, right?. ^__^

...for coming Christmas & Bday [7th Jan.] ::

Headphones >> I have only right ear working, and it is kind of annoying from time to time. *le sigh*

Webcam

Catring >> the one I saw in this accessories shop. *mew*

A lot of black ink- and gelpens

Pokki >> I know that you can't have it from Estonia *sob sob*

Chopsticks >> my own chopsticks!.

Sake

SUSHI. AND A LOT!!!!.

Mangas.

D & Asagi-san

2010-12-06T05:37:00.000-08:00

D

A Japanese hard rock band formed in 2003 by Asagi, Ruiza and Sin, after their previous band Syndrome disbanded.
Asagi-san, when... okay... when the first time I heard "Snow White", and his voice, I understood that he is equally placed on the same level as Gackt is.
If there was a perfection, it would be named as Gackt or Asagi, for sure.

Asagi

Beautiful, just beautiful.
I am crying inside again.
And my body is in the shivers.
What a vocal!.
What a perfection!.

03. December. 2010

2010-12-06T05:14:00.000-08:00

Music :: KOKIA - Anshin no Naka

When I went to lock the door of our apartment building in the passing of midnight, two hours late, I took the liberty for a smoking brake. There were single nights shining in the night, as I stood under the lamp. Only the wind whispered, and the other sound beside the quietly howling air, my own breathing and falling, glittering snow, was click-click-click against the shed's wooden body.

As I did have minimum access to the computer, the limited time was filled with other things, so I will post these entries later...

Lately all I feel is the feeling of crying, and no Kai... this time I have not said to myself that I can't. I am taking the challenge & let it come over me. I know, though, that in the end there is no use of it, but for a short while it makes me lighter. A lot... lighter & stronger, too.

Talking about Kai and his girl, whom I also love and whom is also my friend, too. Yes, a friend.

There are people, who are also part of my closest range of friends, and don't have the best views about him & her. Then there is this third side, with whom Kai's girl can't get along... So there I am, in the middle of it, but don't get me wrong. This has been fully my own choices, whom to trust, honor and love. You can say that I am a chameleon, I can get along with different kind of people, though it doesn't mean tat I plat to be someone else. Nor I have lied.

NO!.

One main fact is certain ::

Love doesn't choose.

Music :: KOKIA - Tomoni

Yes, I come back to this, but I understand that people are worried of me. Try to lessen it and focus more on your life.

I am a big girl & have been for a long time.

I can take care of myself, okay?.

I can't become strong if people keep their focus on me, which makes me focus on their worry, if that even makes any sense here now. Don't want that, and remember, it is not pushing you away. It is simply keeping you safe... as I manage to make many mistakes, or pull out unnecessary drama, since I have way too big mouth, which makes people take my words wrong or//and way too personally. This is the main problem, too, though. People need to get over of everything in general and understand that anything does not revolve around them. That includes everything. xD

So... please my friends, stop pressuring me!. I live my own life, choose my own friends, live through my own mistakes. & even IF I come to ask advice, it doesn't mean that I fully will follow its path. & where I do ask advice, keep in mind that there [in most cases and situations] are not only two sides of people, but much more. Though taking sides is stupid enough, so better remain in safe place :: simply being neutral.

Yet, who I am to tell, what & how you need to act. I have nothing to do with your life and choices you have taken to made, make or about to be done. These are just tips, how to "get along with me", so huss... huss, my child. Better listen the song of murmuring snowflakes, dancing in the wind.

So, no hard feelings, ye?.

=^__^=

Read Me

2010-12-04T15:49:00.000-08:00

02. December. 2010

"They were ordinary hands. Not thick, not thin, not long, not short, not hairy, not naked, not manicured, and yet not dirty, not soft, and yet not calloused, not wrinkled and yet not smooth, not murdering hands at all - and yet not innocent."

~ Ray Bradbury, "TGAOTS", story 5, "The Fruit of the Bottom of the Bowl".

Blueberries & Nighthowls

2010-12-04T15:44:00.000-08:00

01. December. 2010

"I feel like I'm dead, thought Janice, and in the graveyard on a spring night and everything alive but me and everyone moving and ready to go on with life without me. It's like I felt each spring when I was sixteen, passing the graveyard and weeping for them because they were dead and it didn't seem fair, on nights as soft as that, that I was alive. I was guilty of living."

~Ray Bradbury's "TGAOTS", story 4, "The Wilderness".

+ + +

It is another night awake, by choice mostly, yet there is no cure found for insomnia. When it has spread its roots into you, there is no escape. Even the drugs and medications won't help. These are just an excuse, and people sure do love to make them. Just for escaping or imagining that this way they will have the control back.

Lies & Slander!.

In a way I just adore to be awake, yet I am a professional sleeper.
So you can imagine my sweet dillemma, right?.

Can you see it?.
Feel it?.
Will you embrace it as it was your own humane disease?.

+ + +

Visited Elizabeth during the last day, drank tea, gossiped & checked things from the internet of her little sister's computer. Finally dressed, we headed for a small, crispy walk.

The winter has finally reached in full force & in makes me quite happy. The silence that comes with all of this is completely something different, and possibly the only matter during what I can rest, with body, mind, soul, spirit, heart & every core of my own self.

Thoughts of Nightbird

2010-12-03T06:44:00.000-08:00

30.november.2010

I am just another insomniac in this night. Hot peppermint tea with last sugar from the can & Ray Bradbury's book in English, called ::

"The Golden Apples of the Sun".

I smell like garlic, with the tint of cheese. Choice of taste. & I hoped to hear some better music from the radio's night channel, but my wishes fell for the deaf ears.

+ + +

Bradbury's work has always thrilled me with its stunning simplicity, no doubt. The usage of words & everything else just flows in its unnatural path. He makes me want to write again, write better, write better even via roleplay, that lately has made things harder occasionally for me... The will is tempting to brake down, & yet I hold onto it, since RP is my bittersweet sanctuary, just like grapes without taste...

+ + +

I wrapped the cracks in my window frames today. The room feels a lot warmer, that is for sure. & no cold breeze taints my back and back of the neck with freezing games. It feels better.

& lately I get any normal sleep at all. I run over the right time to fall into dreams, and that means, that this little angel is totally, completely awake; yet body wishes to rest, not to mention the stress in my mind that keeps gathering from nowhere and little things from life battles.

+ + +

& some people are worrying way too much about me lately. I know why, as well, but please, don't... I am way more afraid losing the two of you more... & worrying about my own safety.

I feel like a little child, but I guess we all have one kid inside all of us. This is not a bad thing, though. This inner child supports us and gives strength on the moments, where we imagined to be crashing down like a falling star. On a point, where this "energy" shows us the way through dark, it guides us and we always will know that we will be okay!.

+ + +

[That next paragraph... if some figure and don't understand what I am talking about, don't bother & don't ask. It means that it is none of yours to be worrying about!. I just need a place, where to write about these things and for one person!.]

My dear Elizabeth, what you are going through, is more familiar to me, in more ways than one; and I know that we are not the only ones struggling against the big bad wolf = world!. Yet it is different, because we have different backgrounds. The abuse tends to take forms that might still be unknown to us all, and we even can't be totally sure, if the participants haven't been pulling other strings behind the curtains of our lives as well. Some more than the others...

The fact that I never figured nor noticed & how you spoke that you never let it shine out either, made me understand in two main matters ::

She is stronger than she might ever realize.

To hide it so well, means, again... that person is strong... or at least has the strength to play itself as one.

I have to admit, I admire her for that. I am not at all that kind of a person. I have to let it come out of me somehow, in some way. Roleplay, doing my twisted art, write poetry, watch anime, and//or just ramble through riddle-talk in the blog//journals.

And even that isn't enough, because this struggle seems to be never ending, and as she said [being completely right about it too], it always grows worse.
Fighting all alone against the big bad wolf, you seem to know that you really aren't alone, but why we feel that it is not the truth, then?. What stops us on the way?. What freezes us on this life-journey and steals every bit of hope?.

How to face this giant wave & stop it from crushing us over and over again?.

+ + +

Some would call it a depression, They would say that I am just "ill" again, but I have my own explanation to it, better...

If you are "gifted", which includes empathy and many other things to it, you feel the pressure that is placed upon you more. You FEEL way more than other people. From this another birth.

We are just more sensitive to it all, and it comes to affect us like this.

Even If

2010-11-27T15:14:00.001-08:00

She brought it back to me, when I saw her brake between my hands like a tender glass. The way I have broke many times before. The way that I only know.

She brought it back to me, and I realized, just a moment ago... that this wish hasn't gone anywhere, even though I have promised. But then again... this promise to myself is worth to brake. It is worth to brake, so I could get free from this inner and endless agony, which seems to grow through time.

Even though it is gone from inside of me, now there is this emptiness, this hole. And the screams hasn't gone anywhere. I do. I do feel lighter and better.

Yet, deep inside...

...we all are still suffering.

None of Us Wants To Die

2010-11-16T13:06:00.000-08:00

Have been away, yes, I am aware of that. Away from the "real" world, but yet... the bitterness is hanging around like a bad scent.

Things to go through.
Thoughts to pull apart.
To escape.

Even then I know, from deep inside, that escaping solves nothing. But we still continue doing it, because it is so easy. It never asks explanations or forgiveness. It comes, and gets you out of the misery. And yet... misery is something we should go through, because it is the pain that makes us stronger.

But are we worth it at all?.
The pain.

The hell that we create for our selves. Single or having a partner, it really does not matter anything. We still die alone. I have always had belief into this. No matter, how much we are loved until the end. There is still no one left but us, and our own soul, heart, body and mind.

We are not worth it.
None of us is.
To be alone.
To push others away.

It is known as fear.
Fear pushes others away.
Fear blocks us to See.

Fear... is just a disease...

Chris Inperspective - Biffy's Not Here

Concept of Conclusions

2010-10-30T06:32:00.000-07:00

I don't know how to survive in this slumber.
Medicine has got me in the net.
Want to smoke,
want to smoke the dirt,
but everything is circling me in.

I could feel, hear the heart
throbbing everywhere.
Where are you?.
Behind which corner you hide now?.
Where is it?.
Behind what curtain is the closure?.

Where is it?.

But I know. I do know.
How to survive.

Screams. Squeals.

Screams. Dreams.

Why they pull me out of my dreams?.

Pull me.

Pull me, fingers.

I am the trigger.

Battles

2010-10-30T06:23:00.001-07:00

I have been struggling with my own darkness for so long, and I have given up. So many time, I have let it beat me up. Beat me up, until my blood flows. And I never fought back.

This time it is different. I have had help. And it is the end of hurting people, whom care about me. I will change. I will become stronger and I will no longer believe in the darkness. I will root it out from my heart, from my soul.

There is only my voice now.
And it feels good...

Need You...

2010-10-22T03:44:00.000-07:00

One person, whom before had no face, is now haunting in my dreams. Most likely he is black skinned young man, and he loves me. I know it. I want him back to my side.

He is the reason, why I haven't commited myself into relationships. I miss him, I love him. He is my twin flame and I have been searching for him, waiting for him. He is the only one, whom can make me whole. He is my second part after all. Without him I am just half, non-functioning energetic system. There are only very few who understand it, sadly. But hey, it is okay. I will be patient and craving, and I know we will meet soon enough. Can't lose the hope, I just can't give up on him nor on my own self as well!.

Wherever you are, a man with such dark skin of honey, come sooner!. I need you. I am in love with you, like I always was past life, and every life before it. Come and find me!. Quick!. Sooner!. Faster!. Please...

* * *

It is raining snow here!. But at least it remains on the ground a little bit longer!. You guys have no idea, how much I love it, adore it, embrace it!. Winter is the only season, where I feel absolutely solid, comfortable and safe. I am able to rest during that time, the pain is relieved by the pureness of the "Death Season". Yet it is never the end. It is always the beginning.

* * *

Few days ago I understood, why I can't find words to write solid stuff in Estonian poems and etc. Because...

... I just don't have a muse. So here I sit, in my mind, all these words driving me crazy. Since I just can't put them out there, in the perfect little lines. I can write only in English, and they are drowning in sadness and gore. These are written out, when I just feel like ripping someone apart. When They are being a nauseus family again.

I need Love to write, I need a Muse to write about it all.

Greetings To All Of My Readers!.

2010-10-20T11:56:00.001-07:00

OH!. And I have already over 1000 people read my blog!. I am actually really happy about it!. Thank you everyone for supporting me and keeping an eye over the stuff that I am going through!. (:

And if you are afraid to comment on any posts, don't be!. With your help and thoughts added to mine, we all can improve into a better person!.

Mellow Alone In The Autumn City

2010-10-20T11:34:00.000-07:00

My small trip started on the 19th October of 2010, yesterday that is. I was sitting in our typical smallt own's bus station, smoking my cherry tobacco, self rolled strawberry minted cigarette and waited in the breezy suburbia the one ride to take me into the larger city. Bigger streets and buzzer society.

From the blink of the eye, when all these ants where gathering, I saw this one person.

My first thought was :: "It is Little L!."

Then after a brake of a second :: "No, it is not Little L."

And after a little observation, I understood from the way she was walking that indeed, it is her!. Oh what a day!. At least I didn't have to ride all the way alone. At least one familiar face in all of this chaotic swirls that kept going and going not only in my mind with a loud bangs, but also in front of my eyes with silent existence.

After having a hug, the bus came soon!. The road went by like riding in a milky way. Beautifully spoken by the soul, whom spent the Saturday in between people, whom are so dear to her and as well communication without these masks and faćades, she has to wear every single moment in home with Them. My soul and heart was at peace, in harmonious silence and happiness, when we arrived home one or two o'clock after midnight. [After the military time, of course. I still haven't gotten totally used to the PM and AM thing.]

We were mingling in different little shops and explored the beauty of the New Yorker and one accessories shop. Oh these little extacies and joyful surprises, when we found little earrings of Geishas, bunnies, bears, cats and everything other that cought our eyes. Ideas flashing through the mind of the soul, what she could do better and with not such cash, something to make on her own and with her small hands, with not so much money and a lot more original ideas!.

After this our ways departed after she had some business in the Wool and stuff shop in the main marketing street of Pärnu. [Yes, it is all still running around in Estonia. Wait for some more time and you'll find me making entries in other places around the world as well. Hopefully!. ;)] Okay, I remember now that I wanted to mention in the beginning, that I had to meet up with Naks, but he didn't call like he told me that he will. And later it came out, when he did, hours and hours later, that he had stuff to do. Oh my!. Is it really that hard to make a small call or send a message that you can't at the moment?. I had everything planned according to the fact that he will call to me!. It pisses me off and I don't like the fact, that someone is so fucking dumb and can't think about other people's time as well. Yes, I felt insulted and ran over, and I still kind of do, because these words that I want to tell him are climbing up to my flesh walls and screaming to be said out loud//written out in the messenger. I know, I know, that none of us acts after the perfect patterns, but cmon, you still should have common sense!.

So I just waited for him in Café Frens, where I ordered some red tea. You get 3 cups of deliciousness with 20 Estonian Krones!. It is something really not that expensive, and I really love this place!. The atmosphere is swirlingly red, black and few other minimal colors. Smooth jazz echoes back from your own mind, creating breathless moments in your little space, that you have inhabited, when taken a seat in chosen location in this place. Tried to start reading "Dorian Grey Portrait", but failed miserably, since I had so much to observate and think of. So many interesting people coming and going and almost like automatically I started to play a game on my own self, that I am sure many people love to play with themselves or between two-three other people. Think what lives these individuals live, what they like and what is happening in their lives at this moment. And you never know how much you hit the right mark, and this is what makes it all mysterious and enjoyable in your own life. Not knowing how much you read them like books. This is what makes it all one beautiful journey of every being that plays a role in your little games of your mind.

* * *

I guess the way I look is eye-catching, even when I don't wear anything particular and I am mingling in my homerooms. Never actually totally cared about the "latest trends", but it does not mean that I don't keep an eye on the Fashion World. The thing is that I don't actually like, and never have, to limit myself. There is constant experimenting, as well just constant "trying-new-things". I take everything that I see that I can add to my collection of Vintage and Retro pieces, and other things, so my own style is even more ME. For long time people wondered how this can be, that I take absolutely idiotic pieces together, put them on and I just wear them out. Simple like that. No problem. Latley, I have started to value that and it helps to grow my still unstable self-esteem. I have naturally curly hair!. I totally loathed them, when I was younger, but people are jealous of it, and damn, I value that as well now and am furious, when they don't hold like I want them to!. x3

Little L. once told me that I remind of Carrie Bradshaw from Sex & the City TV Series. It surprised me. Then she explained that our hair and sense of style is so similar. This made me blush and think over it, that I never actually took anything from her literally. It was more like, aknowleding something that is so natural for my own self and it gave me inspiration, that it is totally okay to dress like that!. That there is nothing to be worried over!. Her character is like a Mentor in a way!.

* * *

Lately I fell in love with Alexander Wang's creations, when I had nothing to watch from the TV several-many days ago at home during another illuminative night howl. It is something that took me, well... breatheless is too little to say. Something to my taste, like totally!.

The man has born on May 17, 1984. And it gives me more gourage to go for it totally. To get rid of my shyness that I have, to press myself through more with my own style of art!. Take the control in my own hands!. Another person, whom inspires me more than I can knowledge at this moment.

His minimalistic and simple designs are something that I would wear so damn proudly, for sure!. And at the same time they are so bold and raw, yet maintain this mysterious elegance that pulls me like a magnet.

His spring collection is so white!. Mixed with tints of rusty golden and brown. And still it all reminds me of Japan or Asian culture, that I adore, deeply hidden in my heart. The edges of the jackets, the free falling-flowing of the materials. Long sleeves of the pullovers just call you to wear them, to embrace the feeling of the sensation, when it touches against your skin. And then there comes blue!. This light seagreen-blue. Baggy kind of pants [I have forgotten the right name, for dammit!.]. Silver!. Shady spots of color that is chosen by the careful, genius eye!. Long pant-costumes. Want!. Want!. Want!. It is like an addiction, and dear Gods, I wish I had money. Just to buy something that is so valuable and not many people understand the value of another artist's work.

Bags!.
Intelligent designs, that is must-be-to-have, yet they keep Wang's usual simple tone to it. Simple, and yet intelligent.

Wang's Tees and Hoodies are... so "mellow". This is the only word to take out of my tired mind at the moment, and it is not meant by the bad way, but by the bestest meaning possible. His work is something for everyday comfortable wearing, and also certainly for those, who have some courage to wear them out.

His homepage. Go and seek my new favourate!.
<333
Alexander Wang

* * *

Okay, so much about this. A good friend of mine worked on my nails, by cutting in!. xD But hey, it happens, she is still learning this stuff. I was lazying around her work place today few hours too, then ran to my appointment like a flash of angry and pusling ball, since the cars were everywhere and their speed and poolsplashings got on my nerves rather quickly. Got my stuff done, and soon my other friend was with me!. We roamed around the shops and boutiques, buying stuff with our eyes. Finally finished in the cafeteria, and meeting my other friend, whom studies in Finland. It was so good to see her too!. I miss my little Marie!. <333

So now I am all home and evereything is so tired in me, but I can't go yet. I need my damn dose of music!. x3

the Soul

xoxo

Substitute People :: One of Them - Me

2010-10-16T05:32:00.000-07:00

Today I felt like talking about this matter[s] of substitute persons and people alike.

I have always felt that I am one, and when I watched the movie called "Elizabethtown" I found out the writer had written down, and said out loud by the characters, something that I have always thought of, but never said out loud.

Here are qoutes and little thoughts throughout the internet that I have found so far.
I have provided the link as well, since I am not the original artist.

Introduction

From Little Nuances blog ::

On one night in the movie, as two main characters [Claire and Drew] are walking through Elizabethtown, she turns to him and says: "You and I have a special talent. And I saw it immediately. We're the substitute people. I've been the substitute person my whole life. I'm not an Ellen. I never wanted to be Ellen. And I'm not Cindy either. Although Chuck's love me. I like being alone too much. I mean, I'm with a guy, who is married to his academic career. I rarely see him and I'm the substitute person there. I like it that way. It's a lot less pressure."

Who hasn't felt like a substitute person at some point? While being a substitute person does mean that you had to be close enough to the real thing to earn the title of substitute, it also means that you weren't quite good enough, or funny enough, or smart enough, or good-looking enough. And the worst thing about it is—you know it, but since being a substitute person is better than not being in the game, you accept the position.

But when two people, like Drew and Claire are drawn together, neither has the look or feel of a substitute to one another. Instead, each person becomes the new standard for originality. But originality often leads to an internal struggle between grasping it while one still can and freedom—without which, originals quickly move into the past tense.

Obviously, a lot of people can relate to Claire's character. I really don't believe Claire when she implies that she likes being a substitute person. She tries to convince Drew, and I'm sure herself, that she likes not feeling needed or in demand all the time during a relationship.

But if that were really true, she wouldn't have spent the entire night on the phone with Drew. She wouldn't have switched her work schedule so she could be with him as he dealt with his father's death. She wouldn't have shared her dreams, and fears, and insecurities with him. She wouldn't have told him that their first kiss was more intimate than most of the sex she'd had in her life. She wouldn't have made him the travel kit. And she wouldn't have been willing to let him go—hoping that he'd choose to be with her at the end of his journey.

Nobody wants to be a substitute person. We just claim that the position is acceptable because we're afraid that nobody will ever consider us an original. But along with way, most will consider us substitute people and that's not a knock against them or us. They have an original in mind and for whatever reason—justified or not, we don't live up to it.

The problem comes when we embrace substitute person status, like Claire did, because embracing it means that we'll never get to see wonder in the other person's eyes as we tell him or her about our theories, our beliefs, our hopes, and our dreams. It means we'll never get that all-knowing, all-understanding hand-squeeze, or look from the person we love that says, "I know exactly what you are thinking or feeling and I want you to know that it means just as much to me as it does to you.

No matter how much we try to convince ourselves that being a substitute person is better than not being in the game, the seeming cruel and mocking indifference we receive from someone who doesn't consider us an original slowly crushes our will to live a vibrant life. I'd much rather be out living the life I choose right now because it allows me to save my experiences in an emotional place where one day I hope to invite a person who considers me to be her original.

Deeper Views

So much for the Introduction part. Let's move on, shall we?.

"If you watch movies long enough, eventually you'll see your life up on the screen."

~ Roger Ebert, in reviewing the movie Angus.

From the Joe Guse ::
This exchange from the movie Elizabethtown truly hit me like a ton of Bricks. This was it. This captured a feeling I’ve had my whole life. I was a substitute person. A second choice. Someone people “settled” for.

How did this happen? In many ways I’ve lived a spectacular life. I’ve been a comedian on some of the most popular stages in the world, I’ve written books, had wonderful adventures, gotten degrees, and been, generally speaking an outgoing, kind, generous, and compassionate person.

And yet……… I’ve always felt second best. Always been the guy in the bar walking out with the cleaning crew. The shoulder to cry on, the “friend”, the third wheel, the seat filler, the loner, the single, the guy by himself at the dinner table.

How does one become a substitute person? Is a substitute person made or are we born? We’re second best because we’ve slowly grown into these roles and now it’s what we think we must deserve. As with many types of pervasive personality patterns, this likely starts in childhood.

From the Facebook Group ::

What is a substitute person? They are people that go through life, being there at events or gatherings or are always there for someone, even if they never get noticed, or talked too. This includes friendships, dating relationships, or engagements sometimes. People can even call you friends but in the end, they don't really know you, just cause they don't take the time "to" know you. But for us, most of the time, that is alright. Cause were there if they need us.

What I Felt...
...going through all this?.

When I read many people talking about how they are as the same as I am, then it cut through me like I was a simple butter. This is no easy life for us, the Substitute People, but we survive, somehow.

It did start for me in the childhood. When my a year younger biological brother was born. He was ill, very ill, but I felt like pushed aside. I still do and there is nothing I can change about it. I can't make people think or feel in different way that they really are. It is not fair, and I have never pushed them to do what they really feel like shouldn't. They make their own decisions, as I make my own. And if someone takes it away, it is actually unwritten law, a real criminal act, barriering someone's freedom of choice.

Even though I am the older child, I still get the "left overs" from my brother, since he gets everything first. The first red bike. The first cd-player. The first mp3-player. The first choice. The first... and I just get what is left of it. Of course this is what the life brings us, we just need to swallow and move on.

"They are the sidekicks, the loyal friends, the fans, and the men and women behind the scenes."

~ Joe Guse

And some people just fantasize being one. Yes, do that, but you never know what it really means to actually be one, be one to the end of your deepest core.

Ignorance

2010-10-10T17:26:00.000-07:00

There is a room, where the light bulb has gotten dirty.
The light shines with murky illumination, distracting flies
from their landing trajectory. This way they never
can burn themselves. They never lose their ignorance.

Bleak trees lick the windless desert, behind these
high windows, that angry voice of obedience has
shattered every square of glass. The everlasting
storm finally have stopped. Stopped screaming.

The hallow silence remains inside. Is there ever end
to this malady that grows on the walls?. Spreading its
black roots, digging deeper in the living,
that only I can water from this delicious starvation.

Where is this bed with this ever sleeping corpse?.
Where is this bed where lays a woman, grief dripping
out from that cracked skin?. Drop by drop, the blanket
of blood is being poured out. To the floor. To the floor,
covered with scribbled words from echoes.

Soundless, endless fall.

The ever lasting storm has finally stopped

just so it all could start from the beginning once again...

Thorns & More Poison

2010-10-09T17:47:00.001-07:00

Seems that there is no chance to trust anyone truly, nor to open up to someone. And I am in the middle of two sides of mine self. To tell him that he betrayed my trust, or just... not. Though there is third choice as well. To make him tell me, that he... hurt me by just telling what I asked him not to.

I don't call them my friends like this. This is not... right, by in many means. If someone has asked me to keep something, and I am confronted like he was. I prefer to die, than brake that promise made. I can't. I just can't tell. It is against the code that I am living. The code of honor and pride. The code of a knight, a warrior.

People tend not to know the true meaning of a promise, it seems. I just... don't understand them. I just want to disappear. Go away from the society. Stay away from it as much as possible, but I know... that I am not ready for that just yet.

2010-10-08T15:59:00.001-07:00

I still haven't cried, for about seven days. I feel it... how it all... gathers inside of me. The silent screams are mixed with those tears of darkness and pain. But I know, that crying makes it all better, easier, lighter... but I can't... just somehow I am not able to lately.

There has been only one tear. One cold tear on my warm human skin. I don't know if anyone ever sees this in me... I don't want others to worry about me. I don't want to burden them, and yet... they protect me. Care for me. I... I don't understand why?.

Most of the times, animes help. They really help, but when there is something familiar to my own self, it is harder and I feel something, I hear something, crashing inside of me. Inside the depth, where no one else can see but me.

Yet there are people, who feel the same that I do. The screaming. The... feeling that you can't name by any name and in no language. I take a deep breathe and try to move on, worrying myself sick over one of my closest friends.

I don't know where I stand at this moment, there is too much going on, and still nothing...

For Joinging A dA Group

2010-10-07T07:27:00.001-07:00

Message:
Rarely am I using the computers to pump up my art, every detail, every line is made by hand. My pen, my ink, my colors and my brushes are my tools. I breathe as traditional artist, and this is what keeps me alive!.

* * *

2010-10-07T06:14:00.000-07:00

Penny today about my later art ::

"the art is perfect, the colors are very well chosen and when you look you can't say if thats paper or created on a computer program"

How To Destroy Angels

2010-10-07T05:19:00.001-07:00

Fantastic!.

Trent & Mariqueen Reznor!.

Thank you, Penny!.
<33

Monroe Fish & The Lady

2010-10-07T05:11:00.000-07:00

The Monroe Fish

Ink- and gelpens.

*From here everything starts.

The Monroe Fish

*The Finished One

Postcard Size

Color pencils, and so forth.

For Sale.

The Lady Blue Pumpkin

* From here it starts...

What The Colors Spill

2010-10-04T04:03:00.000-07:00

Mother Mary, She's the Rain You'll Know

By me!.

A Postcard Size.

Sold.

Familiar Taste of Poison

2010-10-03T17:29:00.000-07:00

Every day I wake up with sore body. There are thousand acid needles throbbing in my head. The pain is constant and never leaves me behind. It is like living hell...

... and lately it has been hard. Emotionally. These drowning and down periods//moments come and go as they please. Mostly they are available, when I stumble over my own rotting spots.

Yesterday I spoke with Kai, and he finally asked from me :: "You have something on your heart too, Sister?. Yes?."
I asked back, surprised that he noticed anything at all :: "How did you figure?."
He explained :: "I have felt it for some time now. I just wasn't sure to ask. I thought it would be unpolite."
[Though, I can't recall the exact wording, but it is the meaning that matters, right?. Right.]
And then we talked, some time... and it still isn't easier for me... the burden is not lighter. I keep wandering, how I can make it better... but the answers keep running away from me, leaving me on the shore of the sea of death.

Often, when I need to go outside and meet someone, hang out and have a good time, and during that time there is something going on, or that I am just gone with my own self, then I pull up this beautiful and happy and joyful facade, a mask that never lets anything through, and no one understands, no one sees that something is awfully wrong. There are very few people, who can dial it up, when they see me. They detect the pain from my eyes, even though these are one part that I can't control. Then I avoid looking into theirs. And one or two from these few feel it in my voice. It has no understanding in my mind. I try, I try my fucking best to hide it. But I guess the most precious, the bestest people around me, whom have known me quite a time, just know... well enough, when something is off. I just would like to shut that part off too, so they wouldn't feel burdened, maybe. I don't really... I just.... blah.

And I have this going with me, when I am down, then I just don't let anyone, and I mean anyone, touch me nor hug me. I just don't want them to see that I can be weak too. I just can't let them. Because there is no room for pity nor any other similar emotion nor act. If you don't understand, then fuck off. Seriously. If you don't have any advice, then you can fuck off even harder. I don't have time for this drama that some can pull off, if I refuse from their affection. Kai asked me once, a while back, when we talked about this, that what I would do, when he'd hug me suddenly like this. I said simply and with a slight pout that I fight back to get free. No touchy!. But then he kept going, and asked again, what I'd do if he would not let go. After a pause I just said giving up, that I just would calm down a little and let you hug me.

*Sigh.*
There is one thing, one energy, one emotion that I am most afraid of, and yet it is the second thing beside Death that I long for, crave for, desire for. People know it as Love. I am so afraid of it, that I just push every possible seed away, when there is any kind of chance, that someone feels the same about me as I feel about him//her. It pulls my all insides out and leave a shell behind, laying on the ground with no blood, but just soil. Rain dropping down, and yet never giving any water to the drought that I have in this landscape. I push people away, when they get too close to me. And then I run.

I.

Just.

Run.

And when I see couples. In the past I wanted to rip them both apart. Into little pieces. Just because I was jealous. But I learned to live with it, learned to honor the commitmet of relationships, and the jealousy disappeared. I feel happy for them, and yet from time to time, there is this tiny little dagger, making my soul sting alongside with my small sized human heart. The Spring is the most painful time, Summer is okay. I hide myself away from the world, and yet...

I still keep running, no matter what, until there comes wall on my way. Maybe this can stop me, for once.

For A Person, Whom Is Uknown To Others

2010-10-02T18:25:00.000-07:00

I don't know why, but the moment, when you went to sleep, I feel empty. You can make a person to smile instantly and it is good. Maybe I shouldn't say these words, but I feel a need to place them and write them out.

We are allowed to hope, right?. But then why I say myself that it is wrong to feel like that?. Desparately looking for someone, whom just... care for and about me as I care about him//her. It drives me insane, mad and angry that I keep torturing myself. Waiting does not help. Searching does not help. And here I am standing on the crossroad and just lurking in the shadows for fake dreams, that I manage to build up...

...but I can't help what I feel. Am I played with?. Or am I just playing with my own self?. So many questions and no more answers. If there was only a muse for me, maybe I could write again as I did few years ago. I know I can, but there is this big hole inside of me that makes me want to drop down and just...

...give up.

* * *

But thank you, my dear friend, for bringing smile on my lips and blush on my cheeks. Talking to you just makes me feel good. Just like I make you feel good, when you talk to me. Maybe we just have a good connection, who knows. (: I hope that you sleep well, and it has been few hours since I told that I will go to sleep soon. I will... Just... there are things to think about, and... yeah. I will go to sleep soon, and I hope that you have nice dreams and you rest well.

<333

* * *

I just love you all, my friends.

So much!.

Kai is Crazy!.

2010-10-02T15:46:00.000-07:00

+ℓуяι¢αℓ+ says:
I will be the one to catch you when you fall.

..:: Gire Gire Docinho ::.. says:
eh?
HAHA
if I am falling, there won't be no one to catch me, I am certain of that!.

+ℓуяι¢αℓ+ says:
Being a pain in the ass, aren't you? heh... <3

..:: Gire Gire Docinho ::.. says:
yes I am xD

* * *

+ℓуяι¢αℓ+ says:
Don't stop baby, Don't stop..
XD

..:: Gire Gire Docinho ::.. says:
hentai you are being again xD

+ℓуяι¢αℓ+ says:
If you wanna "drown," I'll provide you an oxygyn tank, a mask, and a wet suit?

..:: Gire Gire Docinho ::.. says:
stupid Kai! XD

+ℓуяι¢αℓ+ says:
Oh, and a spear gun.... and a light...
And a knife in case.
XD

..:: Gire Gire Docinho ::.. says:
baka xD

Pretty in Vein

2010-10-02T15:27:00.000-07:00

Picture from the depths of the internet.

Edit by Penny.

Lyrics by Nine Inch Nails

<333

She's Psyche!.

2010-10-02T14:38:00.000-07:00

Photo :: Me

Model :: Little L.

Manipulation & Edit :: Me

The Lyrics :: Massive Attack :: Psyche

This is a silent burn....

2010-10-02T09:23:00.001-07:00

Never is too late to pray...

2010-10-02T08:41:00.001-07:00

The day is filled with something
that you quite can't speak of.
Are they shadows from the dreams,
where the highway was nothing
but empty
with one ghostly car
roaming over the desert
that lays on both side of the road?.
Or was it certain someone from the past,
now without any kind of possibility
to claim back his face?.

I do not have answers for you.
Pass on and leave me
all alone
in this sandstorm.
Catching last breathes,
when I drown into the lake of desires.

Newest Discoveries on the Music Landscapes.

2010-10-02T04:20:00.000-07:00

The Be Good Tanyas :: Human Thing

The Be Good Tanyas are an acoustic trio with folk and americana influences, hailing from Vancouver, British Columbia. They play a combination of original and traditional material, and are notable for their lush vocal harmonies.

The group features Frazey Ford (guitar, vocals), Samantha Parton (guitar, mandolin, banjo, vocals) and Trish Klein (electric guitar, banjo, harmony vocals). Jolie Holland is a former member and also a frequent guest.

* * *

Old Crow Medicine :: I Hear Them All

Old Crow Medicine Show is a folk/country group from Nashville, Tennessee. Along with original songs, the band performs many pre-World War II blues and folk songs. The style of music they perform is sometimes called alt-country, but today more often referred to as Americana.

The song Wagon Wheel is written based off a chorus composed by Bob Dylan for the film Pat Garrett and Billy the Kid.

* * *

Xela :: Afraid of Monsters

* * *

Straight Line Stitch :: Black Veil

Armed with an unstoppable work ethic and a musical vocabulary that stretches from face-ripping metal to soulful, stratospheric rock, Knoxville, TN, quintet STRAIGHT LINE STITCH are poised to grab heavy music by the horns with their Raging Nation/KOCH Records debut, When Skies Wash Ashore. Though just 11 tracks in length, the album packs more dynamics and diversity than many bands’ entire catalogs. Not surprising, then, that the five individuals that make up STRAIGHT LINE STITCH have spent a lifetime honing their craft to reach this point.

Technically speaking, the STRAIGHT LINE STITCH story begins nine years, a handful of lineup changes, and two early releases (a demo EP and album, to be exact) ago. However, to understand the force that is STRAIGHT LINE STITCH today, simply fast-forward to 2003, when vocalist Alexis Brown joined the band. Though without formal training (recent screaming lessons from vocal coach Melissa Cross aside), Brown completed SLS’ sound with a multi-octave, multifaceted approach that could be snarling and guttural one moment, angelic and ethereal the next. Making her recorded debut on SLS’ second full-length, 2006’s self-released To Be Godlike, Brown defied gender and genre alike to emerge as one of the most promising vocalists, period, in modern heavy music.

Despite being followed by a few final lineup shifts, To Be Godlike cemented SLS’ core sound and generated a key partnership between the band and Raging Nation Films’ Dale “Rage” Resteghini.

* * *

Trentemøller :: The Very Last Resort

Anders Trentemøller is a Danish electronic musician from Copenhagen.

* * *

Jesca Hoop :: Money

Jesca Ada Hoop is a American singer-songwriter and guitarist from Northern California, who performs music that covers differing genres. Her musical mentor has been Tom Waits.

One of five children in a fifth generation Mormon couple, Hoop was steeped in a musical environment created by her family. She began performing as a child and starred in her high school choir.

Hoop broke away from the strictures of Mormonism just as her parents were separating. During this time, her mother Janette turned the basement into a theatre, and brought in all sorts of eccentrics to rehearse and put on musical plays for the community.

Jesca started to rebel against the traditions of her family and the only life she had known. “My girlfriend and I started smoking pot, which was such an out there thing for me to do given my upbringing. I was singing with the Santa Rosa Chamber Choir at that time. The combination of singing in that style for hours a day and smoking thrashed my voice…until it was gone. I had to leave the choir, and it took me about a year to regain my vocal strength. I had to re-teach myself how to sing in the ways that worked for me… Cut a new pattern and stitch myself back together. It was a blessing. It is why I sing the way I do. Appropriately, at that time I started listening to Kate Bush, Tom Waits, Björk and Diamanda Galas.”

* * *

VAST :: Pretty When You Cry

VAST stands for Visual Audio Sensory Theater, and is the brainchild of Los Angeles-based singer-songwriter and musician Jon Crosby.

The musical outfit began in rather minimalist fashion when Jon was only sixteen, with the other members of the outfit being a drum machine and a bass player.

Their real rise to fame began when a local radio station granted consistent air-time to their demo tape, after which Crosby sent demo tapes to New York City recording companies, eventually signing with Elektra Records. Thomas Froggatt, Steve Clark, and Rowan Robertson made up the hastily-assembled band along with Crosby.

Potion for the Healthy...

2010-10-01T16:20:00.000-07:00

Eh. The days go in a daze. The nights go in a darkness, when I take the pill. It is yet always different. There might be fear, or just joy of grotesque, that only I can enjoy since it all is in my mind...

I am awake. Wide awake, yet still shaking like an autumn leaf and feel like floating on the surface. No chance of drowning, I do not have time for this. And yet... "time" is just a concept. But you have to hold a grip onto it, since you still need to survive in this god damn society. With or without sanity. It does not matter.

Not for you at least.

Because you just go with all of the stupid commerces and mass that roams around the most expensive streets, not knowing whom is moving them like bullets or just some chess pieces.

Mmm... bullets. They are something like... occasional obsession.

I am... a bullet.

Striking through the core of the Illusion that you all know as Reality.

28.September.2010

2010-10-01T16:12:00.000-07:00

Listening to White Lie's "To Lose My Life 4 Play". It fascinates me more and more with every time, every minute, every second. And they speak about the subject that is so serious to most. Death. But.

Death is something part of everything, and people view it rather... wrongly, if I may say?. Yet we all have our own opinions and whom is to judge that?. No one. No one, since control is in YOUR hands. Others can't make your choices for you, since they are not living your life. No one. Not even your parents, nor husband, nor the one whom you love more than your own life... Life. It makes me laugh and amuses me. Is it alright to pray for the future that might not even come since you just make wrong decisions?. Whom is to... and there are going, my thoughts falling off from their path. Even I get lost into my own mind, and it may become a nightmare or just an amazing adventure.

I am alright. I am. I am.
At least this is what I tell to myself everyday, secretly.
I am alright. I am alright. I am...

26. September. 2010

2010-10-01T16:11:00.001-07:00

The clock is turning to afternoon, and here I am, refusing to go out from my own room. Refusing to eat, even. Refusing to go to the bathroom or outside to drink fresh air and smoke one, or maybe more than this one, cigarette.

But I know... that I will not win this battle. My hunger is bigger than me, and my body tends to move on its own, when the mind is on the maze, where I manage to get myself lost perfectly well.

And here I am... hearing how they are placing the cups and spoons and sugar on the living room's table. Is someone coming to visit?. Or are they just drinking this super sweet and strong wine, what's taste I can only imagine, since my stomach is not ready for any kind of alcohol. As much as I would love to. As much as I would love to drink and disappear into the hole of no bottom and distress, that sometimes happens, when the daze is gone and I get sober again.

There is like... this something crawling inside of my own self. On these walls that we call flesh, nerves and many other possible names to name the functions of human body.

Here I am... caught in the net of my own delusions.

Music :: Fog People - Ms. Mad Love
Mood :: Distressed.

Play of the Prey

2010-08-11T08:55:00.000-07:00

You lie to me, and then brake the knees.
Self mutilation comes with guilt.
Let the red flow.
Let the red become your conqueror.

The sound of heavy rain drowns us.
Relapsed into one infinity.
New God is the graves in the wall.
New Black is the morninglight
shining on our entwined bodies.

Decieved by the medicine.
Are these memories still yours?.
Are these memories still available?.

You suffocate me, and then smash the wings.
Self adoration comes with praise.
They only watch you suffer.
Be the prey and play.

11th August 2010
MHK
Inspired by new album of Deftone :: Diamond Eyes

When everything is alright and you still feel it...

2010-07-13T07:29:00.000-07:00

Here I am, my stomach is full and listening to a song about New York. Life is funny ya know, rather interesting with its turns and twists. And being in big city makes you breatheless with its own quiet streets and noisy streets, and with all these people, shirtless or not, cheering for the Netherland, while watching it in your homepub. And still, Spain won and I knew it, I knew it long days before. I told to people, in silence, never out loud, because they don't believe me, instead of this they twist and turn and flee when you appear, knowing more about the "future", though it is nothing but a flow of existence.

Everey time it is harder, when you try to get through the obvious. I am longing to get out of this small town, this small county, this small country, this small land and go outside, go into the world, go to See what the world offers. The dream needs to be chased and being taken into myself, it needs and craves to become Real, and it will, no matter what Mother will say, no matter what They will say. I will not give up, since it is the "future" of mine.

I will have long hair and then let my friend make dreads out of them.

I will have tunnels in my ear and other piercings.

I will have almost whole skin of mine on this sexy body tattood.

I will go away, saying goodbye and send postcards from San Paolo and London, Paris and New York.

I will press through my dreams and become Real.

I will and I will not back down!.

I love my life, but I will love it even more, when I get free again.

Nevesis - 7 000 000 Years

2010-06-28T10:16:00.001-07:00

I really, really didn't realize and think that this one is Estonian!. O__o

I love this song now!.

Last night and day.

2010-06-26T06:02:00.000-07:00

We had the town fire and stuff. Band and dance and people and whiskey, baby!. I still feel like I am drunk, tho I have had some sex and sleep. And now trying to figure out what to eat. >.<

Also, we had this old car and motorcycles show in the town, today they are in Pärnu and it suppouse to be way larger. O.o I was walking around and those mop cars, OH MY FUCKING DEAR THOR!. This was so beautiful, I was in heaven!. I prefer old mop cars and hot rods any time to those modern piece of shits. <333

And old buses too!. OMG. This was more than beautiful!.

20th June of 2010

2010-06-24T17:16:00.000-07:00

Driving back home by bus, from Pärnu.

* * *

Just bought a ticket and took a seat in the back. Well, almost. Heading towards the "home", not that I want to go there. After talk with J. his words made me think about one whole part of my own self, that I have kept behind thousands of locks and hundreds of iron doors. It heads back to the times of my childhood and I was so close to tell him more than I would have wanted to. We are more alike in certain matters than he may realize now, yet we both choce different paths.

What I mean is that not I start another battle with myself to become better individual. This means ripping all those comfort zone locks down and away, and this will take a lot of struggling, not to mention tears, but that eventually makes everything better. Yesterday I sat on the balcony of my dear friend, wore nothing but few clothes and a blanket around me. Lit another cig and slid down the road, and suddenly it hit me like mother would hit robber with a pan. This battle will be harder than I ever imagined. The understanding is there, though. It is something that needs to be done and practiced. But I do admit, certain matters make me be ashamed over myself and there is possibility that my mouth wont speak of it. I can't say never, because nevers and evers tend to take other turns.

Half way have passed. A bit more and then I am back in the place that I have never taken and thought as of home. Also, some good news!. In august of 2010 there will be my first artshow!. If I am lucky, I may recieve a letter or diploma that I have done it. So then I can seek if I can register myself into Estonian Artists Union. But the system of the whole process kind of sucks. They know how to make simple things complicated. And I can't tell about those matters to my parents, because they won't have no good words left to me. Specially Father, who lately has chosent to scream or ignore me.

17th June 2010

2010-06-24T16:52:00.000-07:00

During the time, when I rode to the other town, Pärnu.

* * *

I have understood that certain previous posts in this blog may have no positive energy through thoughts, but from what I see, that through self analyze you won't get where you need to get. This includes the fact that you need to be absolutely, utterly and completely honest with yourself. It might and certanly will cause distress, hurt even, but this happens simply because you ::

a) are not used to this;

b) have been in this phase//state as long as you remember, where things have always been set for and about you

and foremost

c) you are not used to turn all this energy that you turn towards everyone else but yourself (for more about this topic read the previous entry).

I am not trying to tell nor telling you what you need to do and//or about your own life. I am simply opening your eyes, or well... at least give you the chance to open up. Not only your eyes, but also the heart, mind and soul.

* * *

Yes, I am seldom at showing my feelings and emotions, but it does not mean that I am cold or any other like that. I have become even more silent through certain choices that ended up being no right ones at all. I see and always have seen myself from "out of my own body"; as someone else standing in certain range. All of the memories I have, I see through someone else's eyes. Some see it as out of body experience, but the Truth is that I just work out of my human body, {which I call vessel}, most of the time. Though lately I am working on synchronicing body and soul.

About positivity and changes.

2010-06-17T08:24:00.001-07:00

Started to talk with Monkey about some certain matters, and here are my thoughts, including some of his. Seems that we think the same.

So... He asked what I think about certain matters about the "big stars" like Lady Gaga & Co. From my point of view, this is all just pure commerce. Everything is done for them and about them, there is no time and no chance to do the work by themselves. They just don't think and there is no chance given to them, so they have a moment to think. They are being used and they just don't fucking realize it.

A good quote :: "When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace." {{Given to you all by Monkey, but from someone else. xD}}

I am glad that I have found someone, who don't take me as a loco or lunatic!.

Also, I have never taken "stars" as popular people or idols, because they are simple people like we all are; they are equal with us, with all of us. This is just their profession, the job that is famous. And then people beside me are wandering, why I don't freak out like they do, when they see a famous persona or popstar in the mall or in the post office, or somewhere near to them or on the streets.

I think the same about the color of the skin, actually. It is just the pigment of the skin that is different, they are still like all of us. Humans. People. They feel the same way, the have the same jobs, they have families like we do. They are Us and We are One.

"People's time is being wasted to the admire others. This actually should be changed as admire themselves. If everyone would be admirable... then no one would be that no more and then there won't be no jealousy and no other shit like that. People think that they don't have control over themselves, even though the reality is absolutely something else." - Monkey.

People need to realize that every thought, even the slightest and the tiniest bit, is actually an energy; and every that energy is becoming alive on the moment, when it is thought. When someone thinks that she/he feels so bad all the time, then he/she IS feeling bad, because this is the energy that he/she creates for him/herself. This reminds me of one friend, who is having hard time from time to time, like we all do; and when I told to this person that don't try to think positive; to think the opposite way; but just actually THINK differently, it will get better, he told me that he can't lie to himself. From what I see and felt, he has been stuck in this moment, in this energy for a quite long time, and you get used to it in time; and when there is a chance to feel better, to think better it is told to yourself that this is hard to change, because you are USED TO IT!. Take the risk and change it, become happy, become satisfied and balanced; toss away the shell that you carry around with you and look up in the sky with joy and admire about yourself, not for others.

Some qotes and sayings...

2010-06-17T07:20:00.000-07:00

Some geniuses have once said ::

"We are not human beings on a spiritual journey. We are spiritual beings on a human journey".

"There is an old Indian saying that the farther man's feet are removed from the earth, the less respect he has for living, growing things. It follows that the less man realizes his dependence on nature, the more he is apt to foolishly destroy it".

"Life can only take place in the present moment. If we lose the present moment, we lose life".

"So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism.The very basic core of a man's living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a different sun".

"There is no way to happiness, happiness is the way".

*

"Right now, and in every now-moment, you are either closing or opening. You are either stressfully waiting for something - more money, security, affection - or you are living from your deep heart, opening as the entire moment, and giving what you most deeply desire to give, without waiting".

And something good, something a little bit unknown, something precious and talented ::

the Malady

2010-06-15T12:06:00.001-07:00

The room is full of notes,
sharp like knives and daggers.
Cutting through the solitude,
ripping it apart, ripping it sharp.

Hole in this soul is full of poison.
Black as the demon wings.
Every island is burnt down,
by the storms that remain as your eyes.

I take the pleasure and rip you down,
down from that high pedestal.
I want to watch how the blood flows,
how the heart slows down from the eternal beating.

You are wearing a mask on this rotten face.
Hiding, like I don't know.
Like I don't know how everything about you
is just a clockwork of another malady.

* * *

2010-06-13T17:22:00.000-07:00

Monkey was right.

I do cry secretly.

Because I can't let no one see one weakness of mine,

because it is Warrior thing you know.

Some have said before,

why do you suffer in silence?.

I need to, I have to, this is how I work.

In silence. In secrecy.

So no one would ever know that I actually feel more than people may ever realize.

That I need to be strong not only for the sake of my own existence,

but for those, who are counting on me,

since I have made so many bad mistakes,

since so many have been disappointed in me,

since I have been a fool and hoping that this is not too late

to fix things right...

Hearit.

2010-06-10T09:39:00.001-07:00

I want to dig into your lying corpse,
dig my fingers behind those bones.
Drink empty your fading, beating heart.
You are the Butterfly and I am the Butcher.

I nail you on the wall with all these colorful paperpins.
Feel it.
Feel it drop down behind your toes.
I cover the floors with flies,
and lay you sleep on their shattered wings.

Hear it.
Listen every muttered word of those stitched lips.
I cover the floors with masks,
and lay you sleep on their shattered eyes.
Sleep, my child, sleep, like there is no end
to the day that has just begun.

We have lost the immunity...

2010-06-10T09:33:00.000-07:00

I am here, after all these battles with my own self. Not fun, when the human body gives up and gives the ropes in the hands of one and only pain, that you have caused for yourself, by fucking everything up previously. Then you work hard, even harder, just to maintain the peace that you have won between your arms. You scream, when it starts to slid off, slid off and away. You battle again, bleed like never ending river of Memphis.

Carving into the hope, that this time you will survive, no matter what. Because what else you have left?. Who else to count on than just you and your shadow, that doubles, when the nights are extra cold?. Cold... a feeling, an emotion that burries itself, and resembles the pure poisonous minds of masses. Caring is outfashioned, and you are out numbered anyhow. Why to bother?. Why to keep fighting for the sake of Gaia?.

Because the world changes, everything changes and you will change too. You will die. And the stronger will survive. Good luck. Good luck, because you will need it.

Just don't lie to yourself, stop doing it. Just... STOP, for the sake of your own sanity.

Stop fucking with your own self. Stop, stop, stop, stop doing it!.

You all disgust me.

Another new poem.

2010-05-30T17:16:00.001-07:00

Your wings have stains, but not from the sins.
It lasted until the winters ended,
but the spring never came,
...but the spring never came.

The mirror cracks from your terror,
that was meant for another prey.
Collapse of glass is not the only thing to fall,
not the only thing to relapse,
in the rain of blood and limbs.

I rest my head on your broken shoulder.
The wires are hanging loose.
We're not risking with our lives,
just the time has unwind your mannequin youth.

The halo is burning holes into the paper.
Did you hear, when it all stopped turning?.
Did you?.

2010-05-30T16:53:00.001-07:00

You know it as the Horror, I know it as the Sanctuary.

When It Rains

2010-05-08T09:33:00.001-07:00

when it rains

all the leaves has fallen up into the skies

the cold skin flickers

like a candle on the windowsill

the flame is dying down

are you coming?.

are you coming when it rains?.

we miss you, we hate you equally

we miss the world to end

but you only speak of the nights

where leaves are falling up into the skies

when it rains, when it rains

the posthumous flowers climb out from the dirt

in the backyard where we used to swing

and dance on the roofs with angus and julia stone

are you coming and taking me with?.

back to the everlasting spring

where leaves are falling down to the Earth

08.may.2010

25th // 26th April

2010-04-27T09:58:00.000-07:00

She is still haunting me in my dreams. Why so?.

I don't understand it at all. Do we still have the connection

through those illustrations that I made for her poems and word-art

that I made a while back. A year back.

Yet it feels a lot more.

The bitter feeling in me is getting stronger and stronger with each day.

Need to take several steps back and think deeply,

what choices I have made wrong.

Why we make choices that we make?.

Why can't I let go of the past?. Why it comes and drags me down again?.

Why I feel like drowning?.

I figured today, that I don't want no one beside my side,

even though I'd need to. I am still a child, who has a sea full of fear

and this fear eats me up from inside.

I don't want to feel no touches of other people' skins against mine.

And all I manage to do is - h.u.r.t.

With my silence.

With my coldness.

With my words that people take way too seriously and personally.

With the peace and balance that sings inside of me like a blue sining bird.

With my stubbornness.

We choose the easiest paths, the easiest choices,

like alcohol, drugs and smoking, even killing yourself,

and you don't even see, that this is the one thing amongst many

that really is destroying you.

* * *

I see myself.

Standing on the beach.

There is silence, but there is also the wind.

A lonely small bird battling with the waves,

the rush against the shore with the best strength,

that they have to offer.

My toes sink into the cold sand.

The best way, the best sanctuary to find;

& the sun is drowning into timeless waves.

Not many of people passing by.

Red short hair caught into the wind

& cigarette smoke. She is bitter. She is the end.

She is the beautiful rose that stings.

This beach is inside of me.

And to get there,

you need to kill my eyes.

This is the key into

the beach that is inside of me.

Everything and nothing // 19th April

2010-04-27T09:41:00.000-07:00

During the night.

Typical is that I get to sleep early in the morning

& don't have no desire to eat some of those tranquilizers.

Nor painkillers either.

When I would go to sleep in "normal time", I know that I will be up

within two to three hours and this is something that isn't fun to cheer for.

Certainly.

Pain is everywhere, and it hasn't left me. I am sure that it won't for some time soon

either. So here I am. Getting used to it, and the "time" is dragging me behind its

tail, like I am nothing but a corpse of my own illusions and dreams.

Until now, there hasn't been no one on my path, who would have this abstract and crazy

mind like I do. Would there be people, who would enjoy the ride?. Because it ain't

a pretty ride at all. There is this haunting beauty, for sure, but it is stained with the

love of death, gore, blood; flies, moths, human hearts and other grotesque.

The more I evolve, the more I am able to show it all in my art.

And you know what?.

I fucking enjoy it.

I fucking love it.

It gives me life.

Doing and messing with all those paints, brushes, colors, and so forth.

It is the only thing that makes me actually feel alive.

A reason, why to make movies and films.

Sometimes it drives me insane.

& for sure - paranoid on certain level.

Maybe films can become the second chance to feel alive.

Second matter and thing that is the air for me to breathe.

I understand people more than they may ever realize.

I can read them like open books, some are more readable than others.

Even through and via Internet.

The energy patterns tell me all that I need to know.

Such a shame, though, that they keep being plainly in unknown,

in darkness and in blind.

Without digging deeper, they rely on the good ol' preconception.

This is the very first mistake to do.

"What do you know?," they would say and ask,

being afraid of what others might say or think about their actions,

sayings and even life overall.

This is not important what others think!.

They are not living your life - You are!.

They are not making choices for you,

it is you, who needs to rely on your own judgment,

your own strength, because what would you do,

from whom to ask,

when life has set things this way, where you find yourself

being all alone?.

If you are lucky enough you might realize - there is only you

and yourself; there is only one person to rely on -

and this is you, yourself and only your shadow,

because everyone else are gone.

* * *

I miss the noise, which means music. I miss my laptop.

I miss the world to end.

A Tout Le Monde

2010-04-16T18:02:00.000-07:00

Finished watching anime called :: Paradise Kiss :: today and now..

...now there is this hole inside of me, that wants to tear me apart.

Do shed tears or not... it feels that I can't.

There are too many nights where I have disappeared into the net of the tears.

But it is better afterwards, in the mornings, waking up.

Until the next time.

It feels like walking :: no :: running in circles.

Roleplaying and my sweet characters and their stories are my only comfort.

Alongside with the music.

Why I feel so down and shattered all the god damn time?.

About feeling and empathy

2010-04-13T09:18:00.000-07:00

This has been long time, since I have felt my own feelings and emotions.

Most of the time... most of the time they are other people's.

The cause of being strong empath.

There was a time, when I made myself totally numb.

And then there came times, when someone dear to me told:

"Don't push these feelings away from you, feel them, let them suck you, drown you until you feel the bottom. Then release them and become free."

They are so real that want to tear my heart apart.

Strange is, that they don't hurt me the way I thought they will.

I wanna be there when you call
I wanna catch you when you fall
I wanna be the one you need
I wanna be the one you breathe
-Seether, Fade Away

I am nervous, restless. My lungs need cigarette, but I can't ask more money from my mom.

I need to get away from here, from Estonia if possible.

I need to find really good job and place to live.

I need to pay back all this money for my family - parents and brother.

Then I can live for my own, do what I need to do.

I don't know if to fulfill the promise I made for myself.

I don't know what will happen when I am 27.

Will I go, or not.

Dilemmas.

There have swam new reasons on the surface why to stay and live on.

And there are those reasons that haunt, why to go.

Painless.

2010-04-11T09:40:00.000-07:00

I believe that once we die still all alone...

are you somewhere on this planet?.

Or have you already left, before me...

...because you are better, you are better than I ever will be.

Cobain & Staley :: Candles in blood.

2010-04-05T11:41:00.001-07:00

RIP Layne Staley & Kurt Donald Cobain!. Rest in peace!.

I will always remember what you gave into the music and world!.
You both will live on through the music, art and your voice!.
You will always live on in my heart!.

Every day...

2010-04-02T13:08:00.000-07:00

Every day I have a new dream about you.

Every day I blow my brains on the walls.

Every day I watch how you drown,

in the bitter darkness of fake fairytales.

Every day new seeds become old

under my skin.

Every day I die thousands of times.

Every day I learn a new skill.

A skill how to kill.

Every day one memory falls away.

Every day I see how you fade away.

Every day I discover another secret.

A secret about your lies.

Soda Waters: Scketch

2010-03-20T08:57:00.003-07:00

Work in progress...

yenoHHoney

2010-03-20T08:57:00.001-07:00

Honey, can you bring me some of this honey?.

Lady Izzie

2010-03-20T08:55:00.001-07:00

...where have you lost your limbs?.

Please don't go!.

2010-03-18T14:06:00.001-07:00

2010-03-14T12:17:00.001-07:00

Incredibox

You need to check it out!.

Its awesome!.

My Top 10 Overall Best Albums

2010-03-14T09:12:00.000-07:00

1. Otep - The Ascension

2. Otep - Smash The Control Machine

3. Lyriel - Autumntales

4. Nobuo Uematsu - FFVII: Advent Children - OST

5. 30 Seconds To Mars - This Is War

6. Leandra - Metamorphine

7. Theatre of Tragedy - Forever Is the World

8. Katatonia - Night Is The New Day

9. Velcra - Hadal

10. Draconian - Arcane Rain Fell

Blood Into Wine: Must See

2010-03-13T08:30:00.000-08:00

Maynard James Keenan makes wine.

Seriously.

"The trick is to eliminate the risk and I guess the point is that there were grapes grown in Arizona."

- M.J.Keenan

What kept you going?. ((They asked.))

- "The investment. You put so much time and money into it. What are you going to do? Walk away before you actually see what happens? There is just no way I’m going to walk away from this. My entire life is poured into this. Everything I have earned is poured into the ground here."

Has it been spiritually satisfying to you, this whole process?. ((They asked.))

"Yes. Planting anything and watching it grow or watching it not grow... it definitely affects you on some level always."

"And the largest battle is from people who don’t understand how much this is going to benefit the community. People that are resistant to change and don’t realize that the house is on fire and we can’t be quibbling over whether or not you wiped your feet or not."

- M.J.Keenan

"Whatever grape is going into a bottle whatever that final blends ends up being, now it’s time to name it because I’m the storyteller and artist.

I will then listen to what’s coming from the bottle, what’s coming from the glass, and I’ll construct a story that will best describe this larger idea."

- M.J.Keenan

The full interview from here: http://chuckpalahniuk.net/interviews/film-makers/maynard-james-keenan

((Pictures taken from there too.))

Caduceus Cellars

M.J.Keenan descends from Northern Italian winemakers.

While the winery is named after caduceus, an ancient symbol for commerce and staff of the Greek god Hermes, the vineyard is named Merkin Vineyards, after a pubic wig.

Caduceus' first wine, the limited edition Primer Paso (2004, 2005, 2006), sold out, and was followed by a Nagual de la Naga (2004, 2005, 2006) and a Nagual del Sensei (2004, 2005). Later wines include the Nagual de la Naga (2004, 2005, 2006), Merkin Vineyards Chupacabra (2005, 2006), Merkin Vineyards Shinola (2006), Nagual del Judith (2007), and Sancha (2007).

Official site: http://www.caduceus.org/

"I'm an extremely intense and passionate person and I invest myself fully into every endeavour I undertake. Physically, emotionally, and most importantly, spiritually."

- M.J.Keenan

"My job now is to LOSTEN, As if a medium, to every detail no matter how subtle and present her story unaltered. Wish me luck."

- M.J.Keenan

"I trust my intuition. It drew me here. And it just happens, no surprise to me, that my favourite wines come from areas around the world with similar traits to Northern Arizona."

- M.J.Keenan

Wine Review for 2004 Nugual del Sensei

by Filmmaker Kris Pothier & some guy named Joe

"It makes me want to break my glass and slit my throat, so I can pour it down faster."

"This shit gives me the sweats."

Wine Review for 2005 Merkin Vineyards Chupacabra

by Filmmaker Kris Pothier & some guy named Joe

"A true breakfeast wine if there ever were one."

Don't Leave

2010-03-13T07:29:00.001-08:00

Dear Bernard,

if you leave me now, I will not find the love again...

So please, stay.

Dear Bernard,

2010-03-13T05:51:00.001-08:00

The solitude is lost. Do you know from where to look?.

"Look from under the bed. Do you see those hungry eyes of love?. They are your passion."

you will say.

Yours Truly,

The Forgotten Child.

Hush, little Angel, hush.

2010-03-06T19:15:00.000-08:00

A silence, all there is - a silence.

Nothing is golden about it, nor silver.

It has no shape, nor words.

Just... silence.

Everlasting.

Hush.

In the middle of this mum space,

a little angel is sitting on the stool.

Those roots have passed the hole in this soul.

And the small lips in everlasting scream.

Everlasting.

Scream.

Do you know to where this road takes you?.

Angel, little Angel, do you know, do you know?.

No one knows.

And no one has the imagination for this hell.

How long there is more to take it?.

To bear...

...we would love to leave this place.

Away from this suffer.

Too pure is this soul.

Angel, little Angel, did you know, did you know?.

You cry your tears, bitter as acid,

when your words have taken someone's pride.

And they have no idea...

...how much you really suffer....

Picture from here: Silence

2010-03-05T11:11:00.000-08:00

I am nothing as she spoke.

I am gone in my own delusional matters.

One cup mulled wine have given me the peace back.

Where are you?. What is your name?.

Where are you?. Are you alive?.

Over my heart, there is a hurt.

And when she told me those words, the tree in me crashed in this storm.

Since then.

Since then it has bled.

You can call it a "love".

Full of bitter and challenges, that never will exist, anyhow.

There is no use for me. No use, don't lie. No use.

I live only 4 myself, and even then, I waste it away.

There are others, saying what should be done.

Don't hesitate, my child. This is just game.

You are winning it.

Just send them all into the hell.

You ARE winning it.

Last times we spoke.

There was promising energy on one side,

and the other offered only silence.

And still... there is no noise.

"You don't mean a shit to me anymore."

Her words in the plain view.

This life is mine, and no one else's.

Not Yours, not Theirs.

MINE.

After the lack of alcohol in my brain and body,

I will take the tranquilizer and fall into the depths of silent sleep.

There is silence, in me. And it will be, forevermore.

Humor

2010-03-05T04:37:00.001-08:00

You know you live in 2008 when...

1.) You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2.) You haven't played Solitare with real cards in years.

3.) The reason for not staying in touch with your friends is that they don't have a screen name or myspace.

4.) You'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the button on the TV.

6.) Your boss doesn't even have the ability to do your job.

7.) You read this list and keep nodding and smiling.

8.) As you read this list, you think about sending it to your friends.

9.) And you were too busy to notice that #5 is missing.

10.) You actually scroll up to check...

11.) And now you laugh at your own stupidity.

12.) Put this in your journal if you fell for it. You know you did...

Man: Where have you been all my life?

Woman: Hiding from you.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?

Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?

Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?

Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?

Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?

Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?

Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.

Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.

Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.

Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and i together

Woman: Really, I'd put f and u together

Man: Your eyes they're amazing.

Woman: Seeing your back would be pretty amazing.

FRIENDS: Never ask for anything to eat or drink.

BEST FRIENDS: Helps themselves and are the reason why you have no food.

FRIENDS: Call your parents by Mr. and Mrs. and Grandpa, by Grandpa.

BEST FRIENDS: Call your parents DAD and MOM and Grandpa, GRAMPS!

FRIENDS: Would bail you out of jail.

BEST FRIENDS: Would be sitting next to you sayin "DAMN!" we fucked up!

FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.

BEST FRIENDS: Wont tell everyone else you cried...just laugh about it with you in private when your not down anymore.

FRIENDS: Asks you to write down your number.

BEST FRIENDS: Has you on speed dial.

FRIENDS: Borrows your stuff for a few days then gives it back.

BEST FRIENDS: Loses your shit and tells you, "My bad...here's a tissue."

FRIENDS: Only know a few things about you.

BEST FRIENDS: Could write a very embarrassing biography on your life story...

FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing.

BEST FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds ass that left you

FRIENDS: Would knock on your front door.

BEST FRIENDS: Walk right in and say "I'M HOME."

FRIENDS: You have to tell them not to tell anyone.

BEST FRIENDS: Already know not to tell.

FRIENDS: Are only through highschool/college. (aka: drinking buddies)

BEST FRIENDS: Are for life.

FRIENDS: Will be there to take your drink away from you when they think you've had enough.

BEST FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place & say "Bitch drink the rest of that ! You know we don't waste!

FRIENDS: Would ignore this letter

BEST FRIENDS: Will repost this shittttt!!

Kids Are Quick

TEACHER:Maria, go to the map and find North America.

MARIA:Here it is.

TEACHER:Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?

CLASS:Maria.

TEACHER:John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN:You told me to do it without using tables.

TEACHER:Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'

GLENN:K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER:No, that's wrong

GLENN:Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

TEACHERonald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD:H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER:What are you talking about?

DONALD:Yesterday you said it's H to O.

TEACHER:Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE:Me!

TEACHER:Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN:Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER:Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'

MILLIE:I is..

TEACHER:No, Millie... Always say, 'I am.'

MILLIE:All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

TEACHER:George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS:Because George still had the axe in his hand.

TEACHER:Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON:No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.T

TEACHER:Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE :No, sir. It's the same dog.

TEACHER:Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD:A teacher

For bullshit and rambling.

2010-02-28T12:03:00.000-08:00

Making some tests in Facebook.

Just finished manga Kurohime and I want more of it.

Clearly it wasn't the end.

Feeling restless and bored.

Something is going to happen.

God knows when, only he knows, or not so much.

What Crazy Bitch Are You?.

Sinead O'Connor!.

You are one fierce bitch. You are very independent and will take no bullshit from anyone but your personality is actually sort of quiet and shy. You are a natural beauty and you are very comfortable with your feminity. You don't feel the need to overdo it or go out of your way to fuss over your looks. You don't want to distract people from what you stand for and the talents you possess. You are very idealistic and will go to any extremes to stand up for what you believe in even if it creates controversy and people don't understand. Relationships can be hard for you sometimes because men feel threatened by you but time again they come running to you and realize that you are actually very sweet and motherly....until they cross you.

Mwahahahha!.

True, true!.

Indeed, indeed.

The Cather of Souls // Poem

2010-02-25T09:03:00.000-08:00

I wrote a poem.

It is raw, and might have a feeling that it is unfinished, but I want to leave it like this, cause I kind of like it, even!. And it just came out of nowhere. O.o

Sitting on the edge of the milk white porcelain tub,

the bare feet in the murky waters,

toes smashing through the dirty clothes.

The woman.

The woman have leaned backwards,

against the cold and red brick stone wall,

wearing nothing but a ripped red nightgown,

the flesh flashing and sinking into the eyes of any observator.

Piece of cloth has a large collar,

around her neck and back of the head.

The blonde curls are set up into the simple 1940's fashinable set.

Red lips.

Red lips holding a cigarette between them,

embracing and cuddling with the steam

heaving out from between those white bones.

"Come and share the day with me,

as we drink and spread the time,"

she tells me, with this sinister smile.

The rumors.

The rumors are spilled, and chaos starts to evolve.

From the ceilings, last orchestra of Cemetary,

comes and shares the night with us.

"Come and share the night with me,

as we drink and take your soul with greed,"

she sings alongside with the band.

The voices.

The voices and the play,

we all share the same mistakes.

Her spirit flees into the labyrinth of cigarette smoke,

and I try to catch her tender butterfly wings,

that are attatched to the spine,

with cog wheels and buttermilk wine.

The claws of sceletons grab me from behind,

as I run and lost the mind. Please, please, save me from this hell!.

But the lady only laughs on the edge of the tub,

where all the skins of every new victim are held.

"Come, come with us,

to walk on the valley of death."

Follow me down...

2010-02-24T17:48:00.001-08:00

I scream out my soul,
and there is no one to listen.

Still all alone, and die alone.

***

Follow me down, and let those waves take you.
Take you, are you ready to go deeper?.
Follow me, follow me, my child.
Follow me...

Music: Chevelle & Breaking Benjamin

You are so very wrong.

2010-02-24T13:44:00.000-08:00

Frustration and Art.

2010-02-24T12:02:00.000-08:00

I started with new drawing after a long time, and I am in the middle with it. I showed it to my parents and asked, what they think about it.

Here is the resolution:

Mother: Why are you always making everything so violent and brutal?.

Me: Others put their frustration and anger into the music and make band, I put it into my art.

I have this light light green paper, and on it a lizard woman, sitting on a skull. These are drawed with black ink. Well, those who know exactly what and how my style is, then they are able to imagine it slightly, but those, who have no idea what so ever, must wait for it, until I am able to scan it in, and first finish it, of course. The woman or creature has one leg stretched forward and through this is black long needle, and the capsule of the needle, where usually is somekind of liquid stuff or whatever, is broken into half. A black blood is dripping out from it. She is naked, instead of her nipples are eyes, one on each breast. She has no fingers, just arms. The ear is stitched and the lips are partly open, smiling. The sky and background is orange/yellow, and there is a pattern running through. I haven't decided on the ground yet and over the skull, which means I have no idea in what color the skull will become. But the lizard lady may become light, indigo blue.

So yeah, they do not understand, why I pain and draw stuff like these, but for me it is a release, a comfort. And I can put the dark things from inside of me into that. Only one person knows what I am talking about, but there may be more.

I will let you all know, when I have it scanned in. It feels so good to draw after a while again, and I have already new ideas running through my head!.

Music: APC - Vanishing ♥

Not again!.

2010-02-24T04:54:00.000-08:00

Managed to spill my food into the bed.

The beauty of doing everything on it!.

Well, I do not believe in tables, anyhoo.

Why to bother?.

Now the sheet is purple on the pink color with white hearts.

Yes, my sheet is worn out baby pink with white hearts on it.

Damn right, I am cool!.

Soon, out with the fam. dog and then out to the shopping.

I can finally have some cigarettes!.

Soon, I am in the heavens!.

Agh, my lungs, your redemption comes soon!.

Music: Bo Bice - Whiskey, Women and Time ♥

This is your fucking life!.

2010-02-23T14:13:00.001-08:00

RaBBit in the Headlights//Comics by Me

2010-02-23T07:51:00.000-08:00

- Listen to the silence, man. -

- I bring you good mood!. -

- Hello?!. -

Newest Art. // Author: Me

2010-02-23T07:31:00.000-08:00

- The Brain Nommer -

- Me & I -

Some have said that I am a psycho.

C'mon, I just love to do stuff, that amuses me.

And if you have problems with that, you may kindly bugger off!.

The Rabbit in the Headlights have better to do!.

We have a war, comrade. We do!.

2010-02-23T07:12:00.001-08:00

We have a war.

In the back yard, forefront.

We have a war.

Behind that line, from where begins the woods.

All the roads have drowned, unwalked and illegally clean.

The snow volcano keeps its own work schedule,

alongside with those cursing and begging.

Enough, enough, enough already.

We have a war.

Heavy pellets fall into our souls.

We have a war.

From the battlefield all those bones brake,

in those elbowdeep craters.

Office of Strategic Influence

2010-02-22T13:12:00.000-08:00

OSI is an American progressive experimental supergroup formed by Fates Warning guitarist Jim Matheos in 2003. The name refers to the short-lived US government agency Office of Strategic Influence which was established shortly after 9/11 to manufacture and promote pro-US propaganda in domestic and foreign media.

Matheos asked Dream Theater drummer Mike Portnoy to lend his talents to what was initially to be Matheos' solo project. The original style of the project can be heard on the special edition of the CD. The track "The Thing That Never Was," a progressive instrumental, was written by Matheos before any collaborators were involved. Steven Wilson (of Porcupine Tree) was asked to sing on the project, but the style of the music that had been written to that point didn't appeal to him. However, late in the project Wilson contributed vocals for one track, "shutDOWN".

Matheos subsequently recruited Kevin Moore (Chroma Key), who had played keyboards on various Fates Warning albums in the 1990s and early 2000s and was the first keyboardist of Dream Theater before leaving in 1994. Moore edited and developed sections of that track, with further contributions by Matheos, into what became the 10 songs on the main CD.

Sean Malone was then recruited to fill the role of bassist and Chapman Stick player for the band. This left vocalist as the only position to be filled. Daniel Gildenlöw of Pain of Salvation was considered for the job, but as Moore was tracking his own scratch vocals in developing the songs, it became obvious that the project should continue with Moore singing.

Fates Warning often performs the songs "shutDOWN" and "The New Math" at their concerts with singer Ray Alder on vocals and Portnoy guesting on drums.

Mike Portnoy had been vocal about his disapproval of how the project turned out and stated he would not participate in another OSI album. Later rumors began to circulate that he would indeed record with OSI again when he was spotted in Toronto at the same time the second album was being recorded. He later confirmed this on his message board though his involvement was minimal the second time around.

OSI released Free in 2006, with Portnoy again on drums. Malone was replaced by Joey Vera, Matheos' bandmate in Fates Warning, on bass for five tracks (the remaining were programmed synth bass tracks by Moore) due to the distance and time issues surrounding Malone's teaching and doctoral studies in music theory at the University of Oregon.

On September 5th, 2008, Kevin Moore announced that he and Jim Matheos had been working on OSI's third studio album for a few months. According to his statement in the news section of the official Chroma Key website, Mike Portnoy has been replaced by Porcupine Tree drummer Gavin Harrison. Matheos will be playing bass. Mikael Åkerfeldt has since revealed on the official Opeth website that he co-wrote and performed vocals for a song titled "Stockholm" on the new record.

The most recent album, Blood, was released on April 27 2009 in Europe and May 19 in the U.S. via InsideOut Music.

Line Up:

+ Jim Matheos (Fates Warning) - guitars

+ Kevin Moore (Chroma Key, Dream Theater) - vocals, keyboards

Guest Musicians:

+ Mike Portnoy (Dream Theater) - drums on Free and Office of Strategic Influence

+ Gavin Harrison (Porcupine Tree, King Crimson) - drums on Blood [1]

+ Steven Wilson (Porcupine Tree, No-Man, Blackfield, Bass Communion, IEM) - vocals on the track "shutDOWN" on Office of Strategic Influence

+ Tim Bowness (No-Man) - vocals on the track "No Celebrations" on Blood

+ Mikael Åkerfeldt (Opeth) - vocals on the track "Stockholm" on Blood

+ Sean Malone (Gordian Knot, Cynic) - bass, Chapman Stick on Office of Strategic Influence

+ Joey Vera (Fates Warning) - bass on Free

Discography:

+ Office of Strategic Influence (February, 2003)

+ Free (April, 2006)

+ re:free (EP) (November, 2006)

+ Blood (April, 2009)

The Last album, "Blood", when I first time heard the new one, I was impressed and taken into the tunnel of amazingness. The absolute first time I heard this band, was in a car, driving somewhere with family, and my father had just found this somewhere, (he always keeps finding new stuff, and I get that from him), I knew I needed to have a closer look to this after we get home. It took me some time, and some growing, when I eventually got it running in my blood properly. And until now - one of the purest projects that I have heard. So complex, and yet simple. It takes me away, and lets me fall and crash and burn with flames, but this is all for good, only for good.

The information from: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/OSI_(band)

The pictures are from: http://www.last.fm/music/OSI/+images

The videos from: http://ww.youtube.com

Pull the trigger, baby!.

2010-02-22T12:12:00.000-08:00

I have tried to write in my own firedim blue room, where the small lamp have exploded, 'cause its importance turned over the red. Now I sit in the plain darkness and write the words, that seem to have no other outlet, than to take me to the trip of insanity.

I keep the eye on and play out the role of visual witness - when you don't know how to live, why to let others suffer. Over and over again. But even Cobain won't make the bitterness better, only tempers and paints it roughly red. Blood, you sear on my lips. Blood, who still longs for you. Blood... you promise me to starve, you let me flee into the opposite direction, from where the wind blows me back. Blood...

Maybe... Maybe I am just naive?. Innocent for eternity. Clear and unspoiled. Lies and falseness!.

No one can be innocent, when intentionally involuntarily and involuntarily intentionally the soul is closing itself into bottomless void, and destroys everything who, what is embracing this lifeless breath. Knowing, that inbetween with itself, things get worse - one by one, step by step - though... this never reaches to it, never it cares of others.

Blood, come and stoke me into the new. Blood, he smiles on my wall, inbetween this gray mass, on that black-white photograph. Blood, he has gone 16 years ago, yet we still remember him. Blood, come and boil me into the new.

I still wait for this money, though money... is just a paper, yet with this paper I can buy my love, my desire, my passion - nicotin. My lungs have whitered and I can not keep up with this drought no longer. Hallucinations play melanholically stringed instruments and scream alongside with the piano - "Want, want, want, want!". Punk rock and grunge play chestris in the most deepest burrow, I still haven't gotten enough of 'em. Grunge have overpowered the punk, and the punk is gone. Long gone. And everyone, still try, still try to fill it with the old fire. Blood, you lie and deceive. He is dead, everything is dead, everything dies.

February 17th // Trail of thoughts.

2010-02-22T11:47:00.000-08:00

Six hours of sleep and the feeling matches with the image of being torned apart. Who's fault is it?. From our own choices we pay: with health, sleep or love.

One day, I woke up in the middle of the apartment, traveling around and looking for the cash. There was none, not even a sinlge penny. The craving in my lungs have pressed itself into my whole guts. The craving after cigarettes. Why that kind of agonizing desire?. Just like a sin, what will save me from plague and doupt.

Human beings are ugly, smartenin' their deck with the stranger's feathers, grabbing after those unknown ideological masks, breathlessly. There is no need to ask about what I write or think, if you are unable to follow the crash. I am lost in my own maze of brain. The only one, who can rip it up is me, myself and I. What is logical to me, is illogical to others and disorganized mess of chaos. Well, you don't need to understand me, only if I don't get myself lost in this, that is important.

Sore Verity

2010-02-22T11:34:00.000-08:00

People love my body, but not the me.

I am the doll, a mannequin on that everlasting life window.

They talk to me the lie, when on their burning lips, they tell to know,

I haven't found that "the One". That my own and intimate. Though, I do

not care, 'cause I am tired of this show, those illusions and dreams, what

seems to have no end. Reality is another chess play, and its men have

illustrative bloodstains. From last lives, the echoing sins become the bodypainting

of our ancestors.

You love my shell, but you have no idea about my entrails.

you have no idea, what rythm beats my heart,

or on what path those white bloodcells are rushing.

You are the Drag, baby. I am the Queer.

2010-02-22T11:19:00.000-08:00

Why this has to hurt, when I see her name somewhere?.

A picture or something else?.

Why I keep torturing myself over and over again?.

Why I can't let go, but keep an eye on her doings...

I feel so awful, like a gas in acid.

Escaping is the easiest way out, when something gets to overwhelming.

I am such a bitch, acting for my own good.

Yet, this is a damn about a time, since all I have done in the past years of my stupid life, is living for others.

Never get anything to myself, just cause I think that this suits, but go after thoughts of other.

And now they wander, why I am silent, bitter and cold, and so mean, when I speak up my mind.

This is called truth, and truth makes me the enemy, the bitch. Oh well, let it make, but I refuse to play those games that you all have played with me so far.

I am not another follower, I am a feline, who walks by herself.

A rebel, an anarchist, a revolutionary.

The Truth:

“I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not.” - K.D.Cobain

Make me bleed, my love.

2010-02-22T11:00:00.001-08:00

I want to disappear.

Make me disappear, darling.

I want to fly away on the eagle wing.

Smash down all those cities.

All they do, all they do is hurt.

I want to disappear.

Make me bleed, darling.

Let the blood flow and make me become one with the enernity.

Pull down all the doors and windows.

Make me bleed, my love, make me fade away.

*

2010-02-20T09:15:00.000-08:00

Things hasn't changed, everything is the same old, same old. Few crushes here and there, but I quit. Maybe too easily, but it doesn't really matter. My own peace is more important.

Started with new Estonian Blog. Sometimes it is good to write in my own mother tongue, the thoughts run smoother, though there is no problems with English too.

I stopped going to see doctors. My migraines and headaches, well... they are still here, but I manage.

Have had couple of wars at home, same as usual.

There is nothing worth to mention.

Have fallen in love for couple of times, but I push this feeling out of myself rather fast.

I miss certain people, but I am too proud to fall back.

Not going to make same mistakes over and over and over again.

Not worth it.

My own peace is more important.

2010-02-20T09:10:00.001-08:00

My...stuff...

2010-01-25T08:20:00.000-08:00

Your dating personality profile:

Liberal - Politics matters to you, and you aren't afraid to share your left-leaning views. You would never be caught voting for a conservative candidate.

Athletic - Physical fitness is one of your priorities. You find the time to work athletic pursuits into your schedule. You enjoy being active.

Big-Hearted - You are a kind and caring person. Your warmth is inviting, and your heart is a wellspring of love.

Your Top Ten Traits:

1. Liberal

2. Athletic

3. Big-Hearted

4. Stylish

5. Adventurous

6. Shy

7. Intellectual

8. Sensual

9. Practical

10. Wealthy/Ambitious

Your date match profile:

Shy - You are put off by people who are open books. You are drawn to someone who is a bit more mysterious. You want to draw him out of his shell and get to know what he is all about.

Intellectual - You seek out intelligence. Idle chit-chat is not what you are after. You prefer your date who can stimulate your mind.

Athletic - You aren't looking for a couch potato. You seek someone who is active and who keeps his body in top shape.

Your Top Ten Match Traits:

1. Shy

2. Intellectual

3. Athletic

4. Big-Hearted

5. Conservative

6. Adventurous

7. Stylish

8. Practical

9. Traditional

10. Wealthy/Ambitious

Some stupid thing.

2010-01-25T07:31:00.001-08:00

About names: Those, who know, just know.
Birthdate: January, 7th, 1986
Place Born: Pärnu, Estonia
Zodiac Sign: Capricorn // Wood Ox // Birch
Height & Weight: 175 cm tall & around 55-60 kg
Eye Color: Different colors = right eye is just blue or has a lot of different colors in it; left eye is usually just blue, and occasionally has green or gray shade.
Hair Color: Coloured red. Natural is ash blonde.
Shoe Size: 36
Ring Size: Have no idea, but it might be something around 5 or so.
Siblings: One brother.
Tattoos: None, but have scetches ready.
Piercings: Had ears and lip piercing. None at the moment, but will come septum, snakebites and stretchened ears.
Hobbies: writing, reading, art, collages, music, being alone, rpg, mmorp, human anatomy, etc.

Favorites

Color: All colours, tbh.
Food: Salads, tomato, mushrooms, ketchup, pasta, bloodsausages.
Candy: Liquorice, sour candies, chocolate.
Pizza: Pineapple and mushrooms.
Cereal: Chocolate. Yumm.
Fruit: Apples, mangos, watermelons, pears, grapes.
Vegetable: Carrots, cauliflower, cucumber, tomato.
Alcoholic Beverage: Whiskey!!!. Also sweet red wines, pina colada, absinthe.
Soda: Natural Tartu lemonade.
Cake: Chocolate.
Book: There is a lot of them. Go check: Literature
Radion Station: AOL different ones. Or Raadio 2 ((EST)).
Type of Music: Practically anything, but the most favourates are classical and hard rock, progressive, gothic, symphonic, dnb, ambient, country.
Movie: Movies
Cartoon: Invader Zim, Steamboy, The Fosterhouse of Imaginary Friends.
Actor: Johnny Depp, Vin Diesel, John Travolta, Heath Ledger ((RIP )), Jared Leto, Jake Gyllenhaal.
Actress: Nicole Kidman, Audrey Tautou, Christina Ricci
Music Group: Last FM
Day of the Week: Don't do days of the weeks.
Month: Dose not matter.
Season: Winter
Holiday: Anti-holidays, thanks.
Number: 3, 5, 7, 13.
Restaurant: Pub "Rolling Beer" in Estonia.
Teacher: My first teacher.
Hangout: "Rolling Beer", Pärnu or "Underground" bar in Tartu, Estonia.
Sport to Watch: Snowboarding, skating, bmixing.
Sport to Play: Volleyball, footbag.
Animal: Foxes, Wolves, Cats, Giraffes.
Flower: Small and simple field flowers.
Party Game: Depends. Usually don't do them. Just like to watch others making fool out of themselves and laugh and drink on my own.
Physical Feature: Necks, hands, hair and eyes.

Have You Ever

Been on a Plane: Nada.
Ran into a wall: Have happened. Many times.
Woke up in someones bed: Yeah.
Smoked: Love it.
Been Drunk: Plenty.
Kissed someone of the opposite sex: Stupid question, of course.
Kissed someone of the same sex: Plenty of times.
Cried over a movie: Yeah. Tears are good, but not to be shown to others, though.
Fallen asleep during a movie: Have happened.
Made a Prank Call: Oh ye.
Skipped School: Oh, many times.
Climbed a tree: Yes, and have fallen asleep on the appletree.
Broken a bone: Nada. Iron bones, mate.
Passed out: Mhmh.
The Last Song you heard: Brick & Lace - Love is Wicked
Thing you said: "I am tired."
Time you cried: Few nights ago.
Movie you saw in a theater: Can't remember. Possibly was one Estonian movie, several years ago. It was the last time.
Thing you ate: Sandwitches.
Thing you drank: Berry tea.
Person to call you: Di.
Person you called: Mom.
Time you showered: Last day.

At this Moment

What are you doing besides this survey: Listening to radio and doing mental disorder tests.
What are you wearing: A lot of clothes. My fave long black-white hoodie.
What are you thinking: I want to die.
What do you wish you were doing: Traveling in US.

Your Future

Occupation: If I live that far. Artist. Producer of movies.
Marriage Site: Fuck that, alone is the best to be.
Honeymoon: Jamaica or Brazil or Spain or Paris.
Place to Live: US, France, Spain.
Kids: Four the most.
Vehicle: Plymouth Road Runner, sky blue and '68.
What are your plans for tomorrow: The same old rutine.
What are your plans for this weekend: To sleep it through.
Next Vacation Site: Nada. Don't do plans.

Out of your Friends

Best Friend: Marju and Liisa.
Funniest: Emy, Liina, Megs.
Loudest: Umm... Braindeath.
Quietest: Max.
Craziest: Megs and Emy.
Smartest: Lili and Lia Lia.
Sexiest: Me.
Most Hyper: Medeabear and myself.
Most Annoying: I don't like those questions, because labeling people like this is not nice!.
Drinks the most: =.=
Parties the most: Fuck you, I don't like it!.
Has Kids: Some have, so what?.
Is Married: Whatever, whoever. Me and Megs.

Other

Who do you wanna hug: All my friends.
Who do wanna kiss: All my friends, who deserve it.
What is something you dont understand about the opposite sex: Is there any?.
First thing you notice in the opposite sex: Shoes.
What do you look for in personality: Stability, humour, understanding, flexibility.
Biggest Turn off: When people step on me and try to get me into chains. I don't do that. The more people gling on me, the more they command me and play tricks with me, the more it pushes me away.
Biggest Turn on: Knowledge, when people know what they want, intelligence, good aura, mysterious existence.
Do you like to hug: Yes, indeed.

This Or That

Coke or Pepsi: Pepsi
Sprite or Sierra Mist: Sprite
Boxers or Briefs: Boxers are more smexy.
Bikini Underwear or Thong: Nada.
Flowers or Candy: Candeh.
TV or Radio: Radio.
Coffee or Tea: Tea.
Sun or Moon: Moon
Day or Night: Night
Dog or Cat:
Ford or Dodge: Dodge, obviously.
Dodge or Chevy: Look up, Dodge, baby.
Blond or Brunette: Brunette
Tall or Short: Taller than me.
Comedy or Romance: Comedy.
Movie at home or Theater: Movie at home.
Single or Group Date: No dates.
Single or Taken: Single and not looking, actually. If things happen, they happen. But I try to avoid relationships, yes.

Other Randomness

What color is your shirt: Stripes. Pink. Purple. Stripes. Violet. Stripes.
What size is your bed: Enough for one.
How long does it take you to shower: A lots of time. Love to take long and hot ones.
What is something you cant live without: Music.
Can you cook: Oh yeah.
How old do you wanna be when you get married: If I even live that long...
Where do you wanna get married: >.<
What is your best physical feature: Neck, legs, eyes.
Do you talk to yourself: Oh yes. Conversations with my "imaginary" friends is very intruiging.
Do you get annoyed easily: Yeah, happens.
Do you like piercing and tattoos: Oui.
Are you crazy?: Indeed.
Do you like to make out: A-sexual I am, thanks.
Can you swim: Oh yes. Can't get out of water, if possible.
Could you be a teacher: Nada.
Do you like Orange juice: Nada.
Are you bored: Very, yes. All the time, mostly.

Lets dance!.

2010-01-25T07:12:00.000-08:00

Personality Disorder Test

2010-01-25T06:46:00.000-08:00

Answered simply honestly.

How can you take the test, when you are not honest with yourself?.

Even, when it hurts.

Disorder | Rating

Paranoid: Very High

Schizoid: High

Schizotypal: High

Antisocial: High

Borderline: Very High

Histrionic: Very High

Narcissistic: High

Avoidant: High

Dependent: Moderate

Obsessive-Compulsive: Moderate

URL of the test: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv

URL for more info: http://www.4degreez.com/disorder/index.html

You..

2010-01-24T09:06:00.001-08:00

... have made my day better.

Why you make me feel good like you do?.

Why is there butterflies?.

What are you?

Who are you?.

Explosions on the highway

2010-01-23T07:29:00.001-08:00

I will be unavailable for a while via internet.

I might check in few, but being too overwhelmed,

I just want to crawl into a hole and stay there.

It is hard times at the moment for me, mentally, psychically and so on.

The vitamins don't help as they should, because the freaking headaches are back.

Last night it felt like my head will fucking explode, literally.

Even simple touch hurts.

Tired of people, tired of being forgotten and then picked up again, if it is needed.

Tired of being used, tired of being accused.

Tired of being alive, as simple as that.

I don't know what is wrong with my head, because I had to cancel my doctor appointments, due the fact that we couldnt afford it. And if they dont find AGAIN what the fuck is going on in my head and WHY those migraines are getting worse, I need to ask letter from my shrink for brain examination and if this dosent help too... Idk what I am going to do. I refuse to eat painkillers, because they simply won't help. >.<

Days of the New

2010-01-20T12:03:00.001-08:00

I introduce you my new addiction:

Mental Redardation is caused by Rock music, darlings.

2010-01-20T10:18:00.001-08:00

Fools.
FOOOOOOLS.
Yeah, everything that is good is mental retardation...
Yer not gonna make us robots!.

Be happy with the mainstream.
Not.
Gonna.
Make.
Us.
Brainless.
Motionless.
Stupid.
Blind.
Robots!.

Some thoughts...

2010-01-18T08:41:00.000-08:00

Today I woke up with Breaking Benjamin in my mind, two songs, one, then another one, then the first and then the second. Switching places, like it is absolutely okay. It isn't okay. Not for me. Never. Because so many have cried into these songs, so many have gone into death, carrying them in themselves. There are so many solutions and no real consequences, because people simply do not like to take the responsibility. They fear, and from fear comes hate. Why do we need to be afraid and therefor, why we need to hate?.

I live on, just because I am not ready to quit yet. There are things to cross my path. Things to be done. I want to have a road trip in United States. And there are so many other things and peoples, to become part of my stupid human life. It is pathetic, simply pathetic, because I am afraid to live. My mind and body freezes, when I need to go and do those everyday things. It all freezes, I turn my back once more and run away, leaving disasters behind me. This brings me to one thing - who am I to speak about responsibility. This is certainly something that I should keep my tongue away from.

It is always good to give advice to others, and never follow them. Good to deny the truth, as so many are doing. Just want it all to disappear and disappear with me. People giving me hope, the same hope that has shattered long ago. Don't want to step into the same pool of dirt, where all that lies are fake memories and stupid illusions. Held it all inside of me, the feelings and thoughts, not letting them sink out and get to others. They don't need my judgement or my worries over something that for them is nothing. Their problems have engaged them, there is no room for others.

Many have called me with a name of "Angel", promised me never hurt me and yet they do. Because they are afraid. Because I am not good enough. This is just another reason in the list. Like the same person, who broke my nerves and just accused and accused and kept doing it, until I just broke. She is another reason in the list as well. There are so many days, when I wish I don't feel. I want to trash my empathic powers and just slide away from the view. Shedding tears, silently in my room. Or hoping that I don't wake my brother, who have come home over such a long time, because I just can't stop the tears. I want to disappear. Can I disappear?. May I...

...disappear?.

And I'm here because of faith
And not all of the times you left me bleeding
It was faith and not all of the times you left me bleeding
/-/
I've been awakened
By the lonely tears falling down my face again
And the bitterness on my skin
It's not forgotten
But you've forgiven everything I've ever done

- Puddle of Mudd "It Was Faith" lyrics